You will have to change your husband's "some guy" status. In other words, you need to acknowledge that you're essentially asking your son to share you with some guy. He's not just "some guy" to you. But to a child, who likely wishes his biological dad was the co-star in his family fantasy, a step-dad is usually unwelcome. And if "some guy" is telling him what to do and making changes to his routines, it's only makes matters worse.
The task is not easy, but it is doable. It will require some talk; some action; and some patience, lots of patience. Start by sitting down with your son, just the two of you. Explain, in a way that he can understand, that "some guy" is "The Guy," and you all are going to make this new family work. Explain to him that it's okay for him to love his Dad and work on loving his stepfather, too. Our hearts are big enough and strong enough to love more than one person at a time.
But let your son know that you're going to help him get to know his stepfather. It is your job to help him understand why your husband is special and important in the building of your new family.
Once that's said, put your words into action. Set up "play dates" between your son and his step dad that will allow the two of them to really get to know one another, without you as a distraction.
When my husband Nick and I first got married, it was a bit of a challenge to blend Mazi--his then-5-year-old son from his first marriage--into our new family: He had a mom and didn't really want a new one. Most important, he wanted to spend the little time he got at our house--every other weekend and some holidays--with his dad's undivided attention.
It only grew more complicated the older he got, because as he aged, he became better at expressing his feelings on the matter. It wasn't that he didn't like me. He just preferred his dad's attention and affection.
As a grown-up, I had to understand this. But I didn't have to accept it. Instead, I'd spend one-on-one time with him, so that he could get to know me better and see that while I wasn't trying to take his mom's place, I certainly wanted to have a place in his life. While Nick kept our girls, Mazi and I would go to the park, check out a movie, hit his favorite pizza spot, or even bake an easy batch of cookies together. And in those quiet moments, when it was just the two of us, he got to see that I wasn't so bad after all--that his heart was big enough to love me, too.
Help your husband create those moments for your son, and soon enough, your child will come to see his step dad as "The Guy," too.
Denene Millner
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