Momtourage > Need Advice? > My teenager is rude. What do I do?

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THE QUESTION :

My teenager has recently become very rude to family and friends. She wasn't like this before. What do I do?
 

THE ANSWER:

Teenagers will test you. They'll try out bad language and bad behavior at home, just like little kids will try out potty language at home. They know you won't disown them. It's a safe place. Nevertheless, even if you won't disown them, it's important for you to respond consistently: "We don't talk like that around here." If the bad language doesn't gain them anything and doesn't create a scene, they're more likely to stop using it.

 

If it continues, you can say, "Excuse me, but that is not language we've ever used in this house. I don't expect to hear it again." Then set what you consider to be a reasonable consequence if it happens again. It's important to set a consequence that you can follow through on. I always recommend talking with kids about consequences at a time when it's not an issue. For example: "You know your language has gotten bad lately. Here's what we'll do if you continue." They might reply: "Oh, Mom, it doesn't matter. All the kids talk this way." You can respond: "That's fine. They can all talk that way, but at our house they don't and we expect that you won't either."

 

When parents ask me how often they have to say that, I tell them, "As often as you have to." Don't give up. If your child's friends come over and start using bad language, you can say, "At this house we don't talk that way." Don't discipline them, but it is reasonable for you to always expect the behavior you want in your home. If it continues, you might have to suggest to your child that her friend might not be welcome until she cleans up her language.



Cindy Post Senning
1 Comments
On May 9, 2009 9:30 AM
Jen DC said:

Hopefully you've been consistent throughout the teenager's childhood, so they already know what to expect when you begin laying out the rules - AGAIN - about being rude. S/he should expect you to follow through with your threats of punishment, which is key. And if you haven't been consistent, well, no time like the present.

Definitely take time away from an incident to talk to your teen about this change in behavior, how you've all (other family members; guests to the home; etc.) noticed it and it's not welcome. Then lay out punishments for infractions. You know, "Right now I haven't punished you because I wanted the opportunity to discuss with you... Can you tell me why you're being this way and what you think it accomplishes? Because here's what you're going to get if this goes on..." And teens like the idea that you are discussing things with them, rather than immediately jumping to, "Go to your room!" Suddenly, you are kind of giving them what s/he wants: The attention an adult would get, the opportunity to have input into their home life. So have your discussion, lay out the rules, the punishments, etc., then stick to it.

You may want to think about an escalation pattern: The punishments get worse as the infractions continue. First, maybe cut out allowance; then start limiting the cell phone time/online time; more duties around the house; less time with friends... The things that are important to teens. Make sure this is all out in the open so you can remind your teen that THIS PUNISHMENT IS NOT A SURPRISE. S/he knew what would happen if the infractions continued. And then let'er rip. Good luck to you!

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