Sherry Davey
Parents need discipline to say no to their children.
An irritated father complained to his golf buddy. "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player in his room!"
"So how do you handle it?" his friend asked.
"I send him to MY room!"
I spent a very frustrating afternoon with Lily and her playdate yesterday it was definitely a double-shot-of-vodka-day. The playmate, Andrew, was a right little so and so who terrorized my child, my last nerve and my living room. Listen, I'm a parent too, I'm not sancti-mommy, Lily tests me as well - they all do - and I know some things are easier said than done. But most importantly, I know and common sense tells me that giving in to a child all the time and not setting limits is setting us all up for disaster.
Andrew, bless his heart, did things like: from the top of the stairs throw down a clump of blocks which flew in every direction possible; when told to clean up the mess he screamed "NO!" at the top of his lungs (funnily enough he doesn't have a problem using the word); he didn't interact with Lily he merely teased her; he screamed in her face the phrase, "You don't have to tell me that twice!" so many times that he proved that he didn't know what he was saying; he was rude; he was crude - he peed all over my toilet (I hate men more every day); and he screamed in his mother's face "You be quiet now!" I know, kill me already.
All the while, his lame-o mother would just pathetically repeat his name over and over again, "Andrew, Andrew......Andrew I'm so disappointed......Andrew I'm not happy." She didn't make any apologies either for him or herself. She said nothing really, she never intervened during any of his outbursts. It was a strange afternoon.
After only one hour of his bratty behavior I reached my breaking point...like I said it was only one hour but it was intense. I simply said, "Andrew, you and your mother have to go home now because you're behaving badly. Good bye." Yes, mean mommy struck again.
It was a terribly awkward, the whole slowly-getting-geared-up-to go-back-outside ten minutes but it was worth it. During that time, as his mother was zipping up his jacket, he pooched out his lower lip and sweetly asked, "Can I come back again tomorrow?"....I swear I could hear that theme music from THE OMEN in my head, that ah ah ah.
"Absolutely not," I replied flatly but politely. I was premenstrual he was lucky that those were the two words I chose and not some others that came readily to mind.
It was then that his mother looked at me and said, "He's going through a lot right now can't you tell by his behavior?"
To which I replied, "Gee that was helpful. Let your kid torture us all and then guilt us as you leave. Thanks. What a fun day."
Lily actually said to him as he was leaving, "I don't want to play with you anymore Andrew, you hurt my feelings." Lily's NO to another play date impressed me. She may be easy going but she's no wall flower my Lily.
Not to sound like Gerry Springer but here it goes: No can be good When a parent uses it with their child their child learns the meaning of it and eventually learns to be empowered by it. Use it effectively and they will learn to use it effectively, like when it comes to peer pressure and putting themselves in dangerous situations (I won't say drugs because we're all sick of that phrase).
Being a consistent disciplinary figure is crucial for your child's sense of security.
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Why do parents seem to be so terrified of their children? If you lay dowm the rules of discipline early, they won't think back to "that time when I was three and you said no to me", it will simply become ingrained over time that you are the authority. My sister-in-law bargains and counts to three with her three year old, and it makes me shudder to realize she is allowing her rule the roost already! It's almost too late for her! Those poor younger siblings of hers won't stand a chance! They'll either be resigned to the background because of their older sibling's tantums, outbursts and voracious sense of entitlement, or they'll jump right on the bad behavior train and my sister-in-law will sink! She has already commented that she "can't handle" her daughter, and it's absolutely insufferable when they come to my house and I have to intervene with some sort of authority so that toys don't get broken and my own daughter doesn't get pommeled. I certainly don't feel guilty about saying no to someone else's child if they aren't obeying the rules of my house, and take steps to ensure my child follows the rules in others' homes (if there are any rules, that is). This may be a harsh rant on my own family member, but I feel it's a valid one as our children will grow up together and no doubt have some level of influence on each other. It just seems to me that "no" is so much quicker than "Now, Suzy, I'd like you to stop that...don't make me tell you again...can you please stop doing that...don't make me count to three...one...two...two and a half...".
I have always loved Denis Leary's quote on this "I don't spank my children, I just wave a gun around." (just a joke kids)
It hard to be a good parent, and some people think by letting they child do as he pleas they are a good parents.
I don't think so. I agree with your point of view.
To put it plain and simple.....parents don't put the fear factor into their own children. Parents don't DEMAND respect from their children, they let everything slide and make excuses for them. You can put fear for their actions into your kids and still show them love and compassion. I won't tolerate disrespect not even once. There is no warning, only consequence. I love my kids more than anything in the world and they know it because I show it. But, they are also raised old school......and they will be better for it as they grow older.
Amen! Discipline is love. Omen theme music - very funny.
My husband is attempting to raise our kids old school. Ultimate Respect first, and no warnings, just consequence. I have a hard time dealing with his way of doing it, and feel like he is too hard on them, but I understand what he is trying to do. How do I explain that to my 10 year old who thinks her daddy is simply too mean? We were seperated for 2 years, and have been back together 4, and she is now saying she wishes we were seperated again, and that it was just her and I again. Another issue is that we have a 18 month old baby now that my husband adores and while yes he is hard on her, he does seem to be harder on our 10 year old than necissary. I hope this doesn't drive a wedge between them, or cause her to have issues later on in life. I wish I had a quick and easy answer, but I know there is not one out there. Just patience and support for my husband, while communicating with him when I feel he is being too harsh with her.
I need to be a mean mom every now and then just to let myself be a disciplinarian. We have had kids over that were horrible, and I had to make my husband deal with them. He is less able to deal with badly behaved children on the outside of our family than in it. When I want to scream GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!! He doesn't want to offend the parents or grandparents...who knows...
You shouldn't judge other parents until you have walked a mile in their shoes. I have found that kids come into this world programmed a certain way and as a parent you do your best with what you are given. I have one child that I am afriaid to take on playdates or out to restaurants, etc., because she is very emotional, loud and has poor impulse control (and has been this way since she was a screaming, colicky infant). Sadly, I find everyone but a few close friends to be very judgemental, assuming it is poor parenting to blame, where in fact, I can guarantee I have spent more time and emotional energy trying to learn how to parent her than anyone I know has with their kids. Luckily for my sanity, my second child always makes me feel like a good mom--she's the kid that never has public tantrums, puts her toys away and natrually treats her playmates and adults sweetly. If I had two of her, I would probably be writing articles like the one above. I read a great quote on parenting once that said something to the effect of, "Raising kids is like growing a garden from an unmarked packet of seeds...you can't control which flowers come up, only how you tend to your garden." For those who must judge me, please do so in 14 years. I'm running a marathon, not a sprint.
It is a member of the site.
Discipline means to teach. Parents need to teach their children the behavior they want. Don't yell "Behave!" and then wonder why the kids continue the bad behavior. Don't yell it from another room. Get down to their level. Physically prevent them from continuing the undesirable behavior and tell them what you expect.
To have this be effective it does help if you begin this while they are young---under a year. If you suddenly decide to take charge when they are 5 or 6 you are in for a full scale battle. Children at 2 years of age begin to establish their independence. "Me do it!!" will be the response. Actually little girls seem to begin even earlier. Right then is when the parent, who at that point is bigger and stronger than the child, takes charge. You don't have control at that age it just gets progressively worse.
I have seen moms shake their heads and moan and say how disappointed they are in the behavior. Obviously that never works. The child will look and see if mom is going to actually do something or just keep sighing. Most pre-schoolers can let that sighing go on for hours as long as they can keep on running the show.
Get a grip moms and dads! Parenting and discipline is not easy. But if you establish rules and consequences and enforce those rules then you will enjoy your children so much and so will others. Kids do want guidelines and believe it or not there is a certain amount of comfort in knowing that someone loves you enough to spend the time to give you direction and rules of engagement.