Sherry Davey
I think we can all agree that nothing builds a summer home for a therapist faster than favoring one child over another......
We have a family friend (let's call her Sara for now) whom we've known for years. Our parents are friends therefore we see them at holidays and so forth. She's definitely not a member of my Brooklyn Momtourage. Let me make that very clear. Last year, much to our dismay, she, her petulant husband and her two children moved three miles from us in Brooklyn.
Sara most definitely favors her younger child and caters to that child to the detriment of all others and most importantly the older sibling. It borders on co-dependency. It so happens the catered-to child is a male.....who is much like her husband whom she caters to on an outrageous level as well....in fact it's Lifetime Movie Of The Week, forget-the-women's-liberation-movement, can-I-cut-your-meat-for-you??, I'm-not-really-hurt-it's-just-a-little-blood catering status. The older, much ignored sibling is a sweet, considerate, little girl.
This has been a topic of discussion for years because we spend every Hanukah/Christmas with them and god forbid the older child receives one gift more than the younger, the younger will throw a fit and the older child will have to give the gift back to Sara who then gives it to charity. Sara merely has to say to her daughter, "Hand it over you're upsetting your brother," and the girl relinquishes the gift....always to the shock and amazement of everyone. We all chime in with our annual, "What?! Are you kidding me?" But she ignores us. And when her son throws these fits I don't know who I want to smack more him or her.
However, this never happens if the younger child receives one more gift than the older. The older child does not even keep count. She really appears to care less or maybe she doesn't even bother because she knows her brother will anyway?? I'm guessing here. The younger child will then flaunt the 'extra' gift like the little prat that he is in front of his sister. Sara will reinforce the behavior by telling the son, "You received more gifts than your sister good for you." It's just like the 2000 election. Oh, the injustice! It's enough to put me off my dessert and you know how I like my food! P.S. - She emotionally castrated her husband a few years ago so when it comes to the children he's as silent as the grave. My husband thinks he's afraid.
Unfortunately, now that they live so close to us they keep inviting us over for non holiday events. I've said no so many times that I actually felt guilty over the weekend and relented. We spent three hours with them on Sunday and I thought I was going to kill myself. (At least now, I don't have to see them till December!)
The favoring has become so appallingly obvious that I have to limit my interactions with her as I'm often so outraged and so heart sick for the older child that I can barely contain myself nor hide my disgust. I also don't want Lily being exposed to that level of latent misogyny. I prefer the women in her life to be empowering and encouraging. Sara's children are also not my children and when I have made a few 'positive suggestions' on the topic they are met with outright hostility and the usual "This is none of your business", or "You only have one child so you have no idea what I go through." This is only after she has asked me for my opinion on the matter as I don't give unsolicited feedback when it comes to other people's children. I know better.
Again, it's none of my business. "But this", in the words of one of my newest readers "is where I vent." Most recently, her son was injured and can no longer attend summer camp. His injury was not the fault of his sister. It was merely an accident that could happen to anyone at any time....it's not life threatening don't worry. It's just a broken arm. However, because the son can no longer attend summer camp she pulled her daughter out as well. I know!! I was furious too when I heard this!
Now, it's not an issue of money as there will be no refunds from the camp nor does she have to work nor pick up the child from camp as they have enough money to have prepaid for transportation as well. To her it's just a matter of principle: if he can't go neither can she, end of discussion. Does that sound rational to you? No. How about - sh*t happens and sometimes you can't always do what you want in life. How about switching him to a more quiet study program for the remainder of the summer close to home so that he can interact with other kids his age? It's not like they don't have the money and he didn't break his 'writing arm'. They are quite well to do. Why does everything have to stop for him? She is setting this kid up for a major fall later in life.
Her daughter was particularly crushed by this news as well as she has developed many friends in camp who obviously (in my professional opinion - I'm being facetious) provide her the attention she doesn't receive at home and now she's stuck at home amusing her younger, bratty brother for the rest of the summer! Doesn't that sound like a form of punishment to you? God only knows how this kid has internalized this whole thing. And for those of you moms out there who work outside the home you have no idea how lonely the summer can be for children who don't attend camp or some type of daycare. As most children are in some form of day care because most moms work, neighborhoods can be like virtual ghost towns. I know. I'm in one now. I'm writing this blog from the Brooklyn Dry Gulch. It's 5:34pm and it's still dead.....not a kid in sight except my own.
I'm so disgusted by this latest development that I have even investigated airfare to Arizona for the holidays as I don't think I can take another one with this chick. My parents are also 'done' with her. They reached their satiety point too many years ago. My father got out of Thanksgiving last year by claiming his Diabetes was acting up. P.S. - He doesn't have Diabetes. I think I'm going to suddenly develop an illness too. But why should we have to suffer through her and have her ruin our holidays every year? I say she's out. I sounded like Kramer just then. Imagine him doing that wacky head thing and then, "Oooouutt!"
Her parents try to counsel her on her favoring her son over her daughter but they are also met with resistance. We've all reached our breaking point. What do you suggest I do? Go to Phoenix to visit my aunt and Lily's godfather for the holidays? Deny Lily time with her cousins and grandparents just because of Sara? Am I giving in by doing this? Or should we all just pretend to be ill this year? In the end, life is short and I am all in favor of limiting the suffering. Sorry Buddha.
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I say it's time to end the relationship, period. I would speak with her candidly and just say that her relationship with her son is so unhealthy that it is causing everyone in her friend/family radious to suffer as well. That watching the damage she is causing her children makes everyone heart sick and you just cannot take it any more. I would also throw in that I would be most happy to have the older daughter come to visit ME anytime she likes, so that she can have the attention and love that she deserves every once in awhile!
Impacting my Earth little, my children much.
http://www.yourimpactmatters.com
you are in a unique position to take your outrage with sarah, and create something positive. as her "friend" you can advocate for her daughter's interests, but acting as her frenemy all you are doing is feeding your own anger-lust. i get this is a vent, im all for the "dump" but now what are you going to make of this. this is an opportunity in my opinion, a frustrating and possibly futile one, but a call to action.
I'm sitting her with one hand over my face, tears in my eyes, and trembling. I know this woman's identical twin. All the way down to the family resemblance. The daughter is treated with disdain, while the son is a veritable little god. The daughter in the case of the family I know has been on mood altering drugs (read anti-depressants) for most of her childhood years, because she's maniac. GEE I WONDER WHY? At age 10, she was anorexic. At age 12, she was cutting. At age 14, she twisted her hair out of her head. At age 16, she's practically a zombie with no confidence, etc. And... if that don't beat all, the teachers at school say she's "unteachable" due to adhd.
We all confronted Mom and Dad, they moved. Another family friend confronted, they moved again. They filed bankruptcy that time and moved again so they could have a fresh start, because everyone was impossibly RUDE to them. Last I knew, they had settled in Georgia.
The son is a round duplicate of his father, spoiled rotten. The daughter is a skinny scrawny little thing, devoid of color, lacking confidence, and with that vacant distant look in her eyes.
Child services?
HA! Their response is that she's a troubled child and her parents have been overly doting on her, she needs discipline. I've seen the parents spank HER when their son was bad. We turned them in. Nothing was done. I'm appalled at the similarities in these two families and outraged that such atrocities actually continue to exist in a land where equality is practiced in most every other form.
This isn't a fact of parenting, but rather a criminal act of abuse.
I am this little girl (only now I'm 33 years old). My brother is 3 years my junior and he is the apple of my families eye. When I was in high school and middle school, I had to clean the enitre house (including my brother's room and doing his laundry). If it wasn't done I was in big trouble and headed for a spanking or grounding. My dad would tell my brother to cut the grass and my mom would do it for him. He would do things when we were little and blame me. She would spank me for it and tell me that he was "too little to make that up". My brother recently told her the truth, as he laughed about all of the beatings I took for him. My parents also let him beat on me when I was young. He would bang on my door and put holes in it. He also caught me in my closet once and beat me. My mom's response "I told you not to let him catch you in a place you can't get out of". I always had to ask him if I could have friends over and if he said "no" then I couldn't. He would also have to escort me on dates and if he didn't want to go, I couldnt' go. He had no curfew in high school and when I would come home from college I had a curfew. I worked at my parent's store for no money and they paid him $20 an hour. I've been in therapy since I was 18 and I dont' think I'll ever fully recover. I'm always trying to "win" their love, when I feel my brother gets it regardless of what he does. I know that if I mess up they will not care as much about me. My aunt says "everyone wants a boy". I think that its true because my grandmother still babies her 50 year old son who lives next to her. She washes his clothes, fixes him food, everthing. It makes me sick. I can't help it that I was born a girl. My mom told me if she went to school with me she would beat me up everyday (she said that when I was 13). Also, my brother and I shared a bathroom and mom would leave his things in the bathroom and put mine in a plastic trashcan and put it in my room because I 'had too much stuff". I might have bought this if she had left one thing of mine in there but no, my brother's stuff got to stay and mine went. I feel so sorry for other kids that get treated grossly different than the other child. I wouldnt' wish this sort of mental hell on anyone.