I have been collecting snippets for my blog (http://mommyniri.blogspot.com/) on this topic from various places including friends, groups and message boards and it became interesting enough that I wanted to share on this site.
I am at the junction of tip-toeing back into the workforce after an absence of 2.5 years and though I look forward to actually finishing a cup of tea (and one that has not been reheated for the 20th time), I do feel pretty passionate about my role as a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom). Before I get totally immersed in the working world I want to find a way to give voice to some of the frustrations we experience. A place we finally can have our say. Maybe having this written down will ensure I never become guilty of saying this to anyone.
"You are so lucky you get to take rest, sleep, eat or watch tv all day" or "You're so lucky!" or "You can do whatever you want all day."
Rest? Man, I can't remember when I could use a bathroom with the door closed. Keeping a pair of
eyes everywhere while you clean, cook, entertain and get no bonus,
raise, time-off or rewards is a bit of a tricky and consuming task. Apparently some spouses are guilty of this too. I still remember being asked a few years ago, just after I resigned to take care of Jia, "How was my vacation?" Grrrr.... Yes, that person is still alive and I hope reading this.
"I could never JUST be a stay-at-home-mom, how do you do it?"
Mmm,.. I don't know, I guess you would have to be crazy or maybe JUST a supermom/superdad. It takes a lot of strength to swap financial autonomy and adult conversations for being a prime caretaker 24/7 and still make dopey faces as needed.
"I work AND take care of my children."
Yes, of course you do, with a lil help from your childcare option.
"Oh!"
This is the response to being asked what I do and responding SAHM. It is always a total conversation ender with eyes already scanning around for someone more interesting to talk to. In the words of my coolest mommy friend "My baby was just born, not me. I have oodles to share and talk about too".
"You are so lucky you can afford to stay at home." aka "You must be rich if you can stay home."
Lucky, are you kidding? We constantly keep re-juggling figures to try and make it work and debate about having two incomes. Very often sacrificing little pleasures and on the constant lookout for bargains. Honest truth is now that I am trying to re-enter the job field and arranging care and all other sundries, I cannot believe how expensive the work I do is. According to Salary.com, if paid, Stay at Home Moms would earn $134,121 annually.
"What do you do all day?" or "What do you do with him/her all day?" or "What do you do with all that time?" or "Don't you get bored?"
Oh, nothing. We place them in front of the tv and let them eat cheetos and wash it down with soda
while we catch up on the latest gossip with the other SAHMs or watch
soaps on tv with the kids. Don't worry, we make sure to clean up in time at end of day so as not to leave evidence behind.
"I'll bet your house is really clean."
What are you smoking? Your socks? Ever tried to clean a home with toddlers underfoot?
"You stay at home because you are lazy."
That's
right because I guess the children get dressed, fed, cleaned,
entertained, carried, disciplined, etc all by themselves, right?
"You are sponging off your husband!"
Totally, and Man what a wonderful sponge my husband makes.
"You are teaching your kids that a woman's place is at home."
No, I am teaching my child that a woman has a right to do what she wants, irrespective of the pressure she gets from society.
"Women should have lives of their own"
You didn't really think I was living your life, right? Whose life is it anyway?
"You're a SAHM? Good for you!" (Said in a condescending tone.)
Why is it that comment "Good for you." always gives me the creepies? Maybe if people just said "Good" or "Great" it would be fine, but somehow the "for you" part kind of sounds like it is just good for you but not me.
"I couldn't be a stay-home mom; I need intellectual stimulation."
Yeah, that's tough. Not everyone can find or create intellectual stimulation at home. It is a difficult job since kids are a tough audience.
"Can you research/buy/install since you're home all day anyway?"
Sure, and while I am down there why don't I shine your boots too?
"Oh, so you don't work"
Ok, the next time I hear that someone is going to get hurt. Enough said!
This
is not a reflection of attitudes of Working Moms (WOHMs) but of the few
ignorant or careless individuals who give a bad reputation to all hard
working moms, whether inside the home or out. I invite comments, whether you agree or not. Feel free to suggest topics you think should bear discussion. Please visit http://mommyniri.blogspot.com/2008/07/what-not-to-say-to-sahm-stay-at-ho... for original article.
Thank you for this blog. "Stay at home parent" is probably the most important and interesting job a person could have. Hardest too! Cliched as it is: our children ARE our future and we should spend as much time as possible nurturing and guiding them. You ARE lucky to have been able to stay at home with your children for a couple years (and your children are lucky too!) As hard as it was financially not everyone is able to pull it off and keep their heads above water. But how wonderful to have been able to spend that quality one-on-one time getting to know your kids. So many parents miss out on that or don't appreciate it when they have it. My husband and I are trying to get a home based business off the ground so we can spend more time at home, so my daughter doesn't have to go to after school care and we won't have to put our baby-to-be in daycare, instead we can spend that time with our family!
Thank you! It's strange how the people closest to you are often most guilty of saying (or thinking) those things. I just received a much-needed boost from this post. Once again, thank you.
Thanks for remembering us stay at homers!
For starters, you can't imagine the stupidity of people. I have a relative that dared to say, "Well, you were a stay at home mom so...."
I was like incensed because in my head I was saying, "Um, for starters I went to three colleges and have the equivalent of a Bachelors degree, I worked on a loading dock, I was a cashier, I worked as a shoe clerk, a cobbler, I was an art teacher, I was a computer lab assistant, I tutored people in Office applications on computers in a community college, and I was what a at stay home mom and raised my children and other peoples children whose parents were not there for them, and an autistic child...Um, and you worked in a refrigeration factory, full-time from the day of your marriage and gripe about your two daughters who you raised from a distance and relied primarily on your wife�s income�."
Yeah. I�ve had a full-time job in a half buddy; back your narrow attitude truck the heck up.
But I kept my mouth shut; I want to have an uneventful Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Sometimes that foot in your mouth might lead you to need a size ten-ectomy.
People need to really think about what they're saying; especially if they don't know what they're talking about....
what about the obnoxious question.... "do you ever plan on getting a real job?'
I want to say "THANK YOU" also.My husband is the main person I get the "not so nice" comments from.I always tear up(I wish I didn't) when we have a disagreement in which he says I do NOTHING all day and my response/reply is that maybe I don't dust and vacuum as often as you think I should but I feel like in other areas,I do more than my share.I get all three kids(ages 5 mos,2 yrs.,and 6 yrs. old),up in the morning in order to take Trey(the oldest ) to school,after I feed and dress them.I take them to ALL their doctor's appointments(scheduled and unscheduled).I still cook supper sometimes 5 days/week.I try mainly to keep the 2 front rooms(kitchen and living room) clean and I MUST clean the boy's bathroom every day or it will smell like pee.I do the grocery shopping MOST of the time(allowance of $100/wk.).I shop for ALL the kids clothes/shoes that aren't given to them.(same $100/wk.).I drive a van that MUST have gas(usually that same $100/wk.) which I don't usually get to fill up(That takes $75).
I could go on and on but I'll stop here for now.Again,THANK YOU FOR THIS.I NEEDED IT!
Thanks guys for reading this. I was SAHM for 3 years, went back to work for a week and after having my childcare option bail on me and trying to scuttle my kids all over, I resigned. Shortest employment record I guess, but I felt now my kids needed me. I may go back but I don;t mind being at home. I just wish it got more respect. Again thanks for reading my post.
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Mommy Niri
Thank you for this post. I was just informed by a working mom (and supposed friend) last night that my job raising three children (two seven year olds and a five year old) is an "easy gig". My husband, who had been drinking at the time, indicated that he could hardly wait for me to "go back to work" so that he could "retire". It's nice to hear that there are other stay-at-home parents out there in the same situation. I might use some of your responses when I hear those criticisms.