Sherry Davey
Our 5-year-old daughter Lily is our only child. It wasn't our plan to have only one child...but so far, that's just how it worked out. If it was though, that would be fine too. We're working on changing her status but in the meantime, we've still got the brand. I feel like every day, in one way or another, I'm reminded that we only have one child.....not from good friends of course but the public at large. I just love it when people meet us for the first time and say things like, "Is she your only one?" Emphasis on only. "You really should have another...just in case." Thanks. Thanks for that reminder...what did you say your name was?....the grim reaper?? Oh sorry, I forgot.
In some small way I think people are trying to be helpful but mostly, I have found in my short life, that when strangers give you advice it really has nothing to do with you. It's all about them needing to be heard or vent. This is particularly true in Brooklyn and when it comes to parenting. Good lord, if I had a dime for all the times complete strangers have given me the wackiest parenting advice I'd have at least ten bucks.
My friends have even noticed how I, not them (they mostly have 2 or more children) am the brunt of this phenomenon. My friend Alissa noticed it yesterday....after the maudlin grandmother announced that tidbit. I gotta tell you, that one produced gasps. It was like a light bulb went off in my friends head. She said and I quote, "I think it's because Lily is an only child and she's so beautiful that people are like, why isn't that woman making more of her?" I concur. I think that's exactly what they're thinking. But shouldn't people realize by now that if someone only has one child that perhaps that was their choice or perhaps they're reproductively challenged??!! So why are they still making comments?
Alissa and I have a new code word we're going to say when some one is making strange comments or giving me weird 'only chld' advice......muskrat. What can I say? We're both big fans of the movie MEET THE PARENTS. So, the next time this happens one of us will say the word and we'll just extricate ourselves from the scene.
Some of the weird slash strange comments and advice I've received over the years for my only child:
make films of other children playing and saying hello and play them when she gets up in the morning so she won't feel alone (yes, TV and multi media really help when it comes to feelings of isolation and loneliness);
tell her that she really has a brother or sister but that they live really far away that's why she can't see them. (That sounds healthy doesn't it?! You have a brother he just lives in a cave somewhere far away because we abandoned him because we're irresponsible people...and we could do it to you if you're not good.)
and the finale.....drum roll please.....
get her a really nice doll and tell her it's her sister (that will build a really nice summer home for her therapist).
If you're the parent of an only child please share with us the comments that you've received. I really need to hear them. Please tell me I'm not alone.
9 Comments
Leave a comment
Sherry, you are not alone. I have a 2 year old daughter named Vanessa. My husband and I had been trying for the last year to have another baby, but it didn't seem to work out. My husband and I recently found out that he couldn't finish the job, if you know what I mean, so we both came to the conclusion that we will only have 1 daughter and we should make the best of it.
The thing that bothers me is that when others talk about our daughter and asks us if we will be having more. We don't want to share our personal dilemma, so we let them know that we only want 1 child. They give us a "what the..." and "why" look. Then they start venting about their children and the joy of having few kids. I don't want sympathy from them, so I just ignore them and move on.
You are not alone and I empathize with you in the situation. Keep your head up and keep trying.
Jamie
I hate when I hear the question- "so when is the next one?" I think society is appalled by the thought of only one child. Even my family used to make comments until I lost it one day with my sister.
I hear a comment about us only have the one 3 year old boy 3-4 times a week. My husband has a 21 girl but that never counts. I sometimes feel like I am defending my right to call ourselves a family. That look of sympathy when I tell people that we will only have one child and are blessed to have him is so frustrating.
I have my "pre-packaged" comments for people and I move on. I have decided to not let people put down our idea of a family and I ignore the sympathetic looks and comments with a smile. Just remember how much you would have missed without your child in your life every day and ignore the rest of the world.
Our daughter is an only; after 14 years I have several canned responses. If it's just a casual question, or remark, I simply reply with a huge smile:
"Why would I want or need another child, when we got it right the first time?" or "I only want more kids if they can be exactly like our first one!" I keep it light, and typically that ends the discussion.
If it's really persistant, nasty, or unpleasant (all three of which have happened) then I simply tell the questioner the truth - that we *did* want more children, but after losing our first two babies, and then having our incredible daughter - we had to stop because I went through menopause when I was 35 years old. Then, I look them square in the eye, and ask "Any more questions about my reproductive life or habits?"
Don't take it all too personally, though - the reality is that we as American are "programmed" to believe the 2.5 kids/white picket fence/minivan lifestyle is "normal". The reality is that families come in all sizes, flavors, colors, and types. Thanks goodness, because otherwise suburbia would be even more boring than it already is! :)
Hi Lily's mom ,
Yes I have a daughter who is 5 yrs old also. Her name is Eryn. I love her to death.
I had a misscarriage before I had her , and am blessed to have such a wonderful little angel in my life. I had her at age 37 and wanted one more after. I told my husband I would like one more child before I turned 40. He agreed. Than for some reason his mind changed and what could I do than? Both parents do need to agree on a thing like this. I felt betrayed and resentful towards him for years and still do. I keep thinking my poor daughter will grow up an only child. Yes people make idiotic comments to me too. Everyone has 2 or more kids and they say I have it easy with only one or that I just dont understand things cause I only have one. I try and just ignore the comments or walk away. I too am a mom, so they should talk to me like one. I feel like I don't fit into the mom scene cause I only have one.
My daughter has been very upset these days since she started school that she is an only child and does not have a baby sister. I don't know how to deal with it?? Help!! Any suggestions from anyone would be appreciated. I just tell her that mommy loves her and she is speciial and I dont want to share her. I dont know what else to say !!!!
My husband is more bold and tells her mommy and daddy are too old. How can a 5 yr old understand that??? They cannot!!! Well, that is my story and I really hope my daughter will be okay growing up an only child. How can I make it easy for her ?
thank you
shar
Thanks so much for all your comments! Glad to see I'm not alone in this.
Dear Shar,
I would just be honest with her and say that not everyone has brothers and sisters and that she does have a family who loves her. Like her cousins, you, your husband, grandparents, her friends, etc. Just because she doesn't have brothers and sisters doesn't mean she's alone and she's not the only one.....in this case.
Hope that helps.
cheers,
Sherry
I am an only child. I never felt lonely growing up an only. I was always bright and mature for my age. And yes people not only make comments to parents but also the child.
Now that I am older people will say things like- "but when your parents die you will be alone"- Nice, huh? The reality is siblings grow up and sometimes apart. I have a wonderful extended family - cousins that I am very close to and many friends. I loved being an only- my parents never played favorites, I never felt resentful towards my parents that they loved the "other" one more, and now that I am an adult I have met many only's in my life.
BTW, My standard canned response to why my parents only had one "when they achieved perfection they decided one was enough"
Hello,
I am 24 year old women, my husband and I have had a long year! We had a son in 2005 and got married in 2007, shortly after got pregnant. Early in 2008 I found out I had a missed miscarriage, had a d&c got pregnant 2 months later. At 18 found out that our unborn child had clubbed hands and later we found out a heart defect. Our world was crushed. We talked to a genetic counselor and she asked about our first born. He had 2 skins tags and one of his cheeks is bigger then the other. We were recommended to a genetic doctor for him, we found out he had mild goldenhar syndrome. Also, that our unborn baby might have a syndrome called fanconi anemia. This was the most depressing situation we had ever had to go through.
So we went on with the pregnancy and she was born November 7, 2008 a month and a week early. She was born only 1.83 lbs, she was the prettiest thing. Her whole hospital experience is another story. But, in the end she didn't make it. Because of all the information we found out with our first born, then the miscarriage and our third child I think I am giving up! If I could have another child I definitely would, but the only thing I could think of doing is adopting. So, many kids are out here in this system that needs a family and God speaks through the situations he puts us through. Maybe our call in life is to adopt so our child won't be alone and we'd be providing another child with a stable home.
My daughter is now 9years old . We have been trying for another child since the day she was born. I then developed many complivations that I haven't been able to conceive. I am now 41 and don't think I will have a chance of having another child. I even had 3attempts on IVF without success. Even now when I meet people even reletives, they keep asking me when is the next one due?They all keep telling me that my daughetr is going to be very loney and that there will be no one to look after her when we are old or dead? They even tell my 9 year old daughter that shewon't have anyone to play with and look after to ask mummy to get a brother or a sister.
My littele girl is very well behaved, better behaved than all her friends who have got siblings. She is not the spoilt child every one expects from a only child. Although she occationally says that she wishes she had a brother or a sister. This mainly comes from watching TV. I feel so guilty and scared that she may get lonely and feel sorry for her 'cosshe does not have a brother or sister to play with
oh dear Anuji, I sooooooo hear you! Thank you for your honest, heart felt comments. We have much in common, we have been trying too for years and I have also developed complications and am 41...people can be so thoughtless and inconsiderate, especially family members. It's enough to make me scream sometimes. You are not alone.
We are also pursuing adoption now. We are adopting an older child from this country (older being 4) because we just don't have the money and time to go trekking overseas for an infant. I, like you, already had the perfect baby. I wouldn't mind an older child.
Feel free to vent here anytime. It feels good and eventually, you will make peace with stupid people and what they say will eventually make you laugh. That's what I do now, just laugh them off....literally. I look like a crazy person doing it but who cares??
cheers and much love,
Sherry