Some days I am really excited about the idea. I really do miss working, I've held a full-time job since I graduated high school. It was a HUGE adjustment for me to not work after Chase was born. I miss the interaction with people, I miss my day being scheduled out and I miss the money. Yes, do I ever miss the money.

But I really, truly can't wrap my head around the idea of being away from the boys for 40 hours a week. Most days I love being home with them, and I love being their primary caregiver. I don't like the idea that someone else is going to know their daytime routines just as well, if not better than I. I don't want Jimmy being rocked to sleep every afternoon by someone else. I don't want Chase running to get his boo boos kissed by someone else. I am lucky that a friend of mine will be watching them so they won't be in a daycare, but it is still painful. I just don't like it.

So day-to-day I go  back-and-forth between being excited about going back to work, and not caring if I ever hear back about the positions I've interviewed for. Yesterday I was planning out in my head the way it would all come together and work so great. Today I can't imagine not being home watching "The Little Mermaid" and dancing with Chase.

My head knows I need to go back to work. My head knows I need to get better insurance for the boys. My head knows throwing money away on rent is silly. My head knows I will still be their Mommy and they will still love me. My head knows that Jim is gone far more than that, and they adore him.

My heart disagrees.

Submitted by adil320 (view blog)