He sees you when you're sleeping he knows when you're awake...is it your friendly neighborhood stalker??...noooooo it's Santa!  But he sure sounds scary!  I was helping my friend Lea potty train 3 year old Gwen, yesterday and I got her (the baby not my friend) to sit on the potty with the promise of toys from Santa if she made pee pee for me.  I was desperate, can you tell?  Lea is really anxious for baby Gwen to be potty trained because Lea has to return to work.  Gwen will be going to day care while dad re-trains.  Another victim of the recession, Lea's husband was let go from his job last week.  So, not only is this recession depressing the crap out of people it's forcing toddlers to make ones on potties too!!  Darn it!  "Job Training and Potty Training Go Hand In Hand"  You'll never see that headline in Newsweek.  So, there she was (the baby not my friend) sitting on the potty playing with her toys....but with no toiletting success.

No kidding....my 6 year old suffers....or rather her clothes do....from under arm odor.  This just started.  I was always told that young children don't have this problem because their sweat glands are not fully developed.  However, in this house that is not exactly the case.  Is this common??  Do you have any children under 10 that require deodorant?  I'm not about to put any chemicals on her young skin so I purchased one of those crystal natural ones and it's helped a great deal. It has no odor so there's no obvious scent of perfume to draw attention...and those lovely onions are gone.  Whew!!  After a day of school, gym class and then after school gymnastics she was really ripe.  She eats organic food, drinks organic milk and wears (mostly) natural fibers so it can't be that.....maybe she's just developing early.  Good lord.  What next?!....and I thought the success of Sarah Palin's book tour was the shocker of the week.

  Tonight, it's Friday and for the first time in a long time, this Funny Mom comedian doesn't have a gig!!  Yes, for a change I'm going to be home and I'm sooooo loving it.  So tonight, we've made a plan to do pizza and bowling with our 6 year old.  She's bringing her friend Madison along so it should be fun.  I know, Madison, not a fan of the name either but the kid is great.  I also don't like the name Brooklyn...I'm like really?? which neighborhood??  What's next, here's my daughter Park Avenue??  Our son Murray Hill??  Which is just an expression people there are no hills in Manhattan so get rid of all those SUVs for gods sake!  Any rate, bowling is cheap (and I have a coupon...so sexy) so it should be a fun night.  My husband can kick back and enjoy a beer.....or as our daughter refers to it....daddy soda.  We're in a recession and he just started his new part time job (there are no full time ones available yet....hello, can you say lagging economy??), so bowling with a coupon will just have to do.  No wonder Netflix stock keeps going up.  Don't our lives sound glamorous?  Just like a TV show?.....yeah Roseanne.  But it'll be fun.  As long as we're together we'll have a good time.  What inexpensive activities are you enjoying with your family these days??

Not to sound like Kate Gosselin with all her self-interviewing last week, "Could I have been nicer to John...yes."  ("Am I annoying....yes.")  But yes, honestly, my daughter's after-school schedule is jam packed with activities.  However, if you read my blog last Friday, you can understand why....there's no one to bloody play with out here!!  Like I said last week, once the kids in this neighborhood get off that bus you never see a living soul again (and play dates seem also to be an impossibility).  I call them the phantom children.  Therefore, we need activities every day to keep Lily occupied.  Luckily, she doesn't come home until 3:35 so there's not too much time to fill before dinner.  One of my neighbors with college aged kids read last week's post and was surprised at how many activities Lily participates in: horse riding; girl scouts; soccer; gymnastics; lacrosse; twirling; etc....and I signed us up for a time management class as well but we ran out of time.

  Playdates these days seem harder and harder to come by.....specifically in the suburbs.  You know, when we lived in Brooklyn, getting together with other children was much easier.  We just used to meet in the playground after school.  Easy enough.  You got to meet the other kids and their parents (good or bad) in a matter of minutes and from there it was on to the greener pastures of individual play dates....or you could just put them on your personal 'do not call list' or click your imaginary 'ignore' button on your face-to-face book.  I really miss that ease of socialization that one gets in an urban environment....it's one of the few things I do miss....the noise, the crowds, the perpetual freak show aspect of New York City, being hit on by the homeless and the constant dog poop under my shoes I do not.  

  Halloween has really become like another holiday in our culture.  This year, with it falling on a Saturday, the madness was really ramped up another notch.  Lily and her cousins trick-or-treated for hours.  The day culminated in a rousing Halloween pizza party complete with 10 screaming, costumed kids.  Here's a picture of Lily as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, her cousin as Raggedy Ann and her other cousin as the Naked Cowboy (from Times Square Fame - he's always an original this kid, no psuedo-edgy Harry Potter stuff for this munchkin).  Don't worry, he was wearing a full body stocking with long underwear underneath.....but with all that sugar coarsing through his veins he couldn't feel a thing anyway.

Lily, our First Grader, had her first assembly of the school year Wednesday.  Sounds harmless right??....apparently not any more.....scary music.....dum dum dummmm.  An official note from the school prinicipal came home in her backpack yesterday warning us that due to the potential dangers of the H1N1 Virus that Wednesday's all school assembly will be the first and the last one of the year due to potential cross-contamination of possibly, allegedly (imagine Law and Order sound track) infected students.  And the Halloween Parade is cancelled too.....and that's outside!!!  No more in school recitals either.  No Holiday Pageant in school the day before Winter Recess and no Pilgrims Parade either.  Do they really believe that keeping the different grades separate will help curb exposure to these viruses??  What about all the different grades riding the bus together in the morning, or the lunch room, or when they cross in the hallways??  Flu segregation sounds like an impossible notion and something out of the middle ages to me.  Doesn't this all sound a little drastic to you?  It's not just me right?!  Can I get a witness??

Lily and her friend Courtney are so excited about Halloween this Saturday (please don't rain) that they donned Lily's old costumes today.  You should have seen them on the trampoline....a mouse and a dragon bouncing about.  Too funny.  It was like Halloween minus the candy...a total sugar high. 

Here's a picture of Lily playing with her cousin Patrick.  Lily enjoys spending time with her cousin but she definitely has a healthy fear of him and it's well earned.  As one can tell from this photo, he likes to play rough.  So does she but boys, even at the age of 7 I find, are already exponentially stronger than girls.  No wonder why girls take Karate!  He likes to give her bear hugs and squeeze her neck (see Exhibit A).  His, is a love that kills.  However, she is about 2 inches taller than him already so he better watch out.  Pay back can be a beyotch my dear nephew.....as we found last weekend.....

  Need a time out from the kids and a few laughs, bring yourself and your girlfriends to see Mama's Night Out at the Hannaford Auditorium, Abromson Center, Portland, Maine on Friday, November 6th at 8:00pm.  Not only will you have a great time but you'll feel even better knowing your ticket purchase goes to support the Cancer Community Center of Maine.  We've been selling out theatres all over the country and we intend to do the same in Maine for the Cancer Community Center.  Look forward to seeing you there!!  The mamas of Mama's Night Out are my fellow momtourage....bring yours and introduce us to them.

Earthquakes, tsunamis, rising unemployment, (my husband is still unemployed 7 months later - so sexy) the economy, failing industries, the health care crisis, global warming, Detroit.  Have you heard enough?  Are you ready to just drive your hybrid car into a tree already?...wait a minute.  We need that tree.  Try driving into a Walmart...that would make us all feel a bit better...just avoid the greeter.  She's probably somebody's grandma and most likely the primary child care provider in her household.  As if all this isn't bad enough, we received some more troubling news yesterday:  Lily is receiving extra help in Math and Reading during school.  What?!  I thought she was doing so well in her new school? 

  Every parenting expert out there warns us not to engage in food battles with our children because it's one of the few places they can exert their control and we'll lose.  Lily has suddenly at the age of 6 begun a nightly ritual of refusing dinner.  I'm of the belief that 'forcing' them to eat is a waste of time and energy.  Life is just too short for all that conflict.  My philosophy has always been, I'm not making her a special meal she eats what we eat and if she doesn't and wants a snack later - tough, no way.  Too bad.  Eat your dinner.  However, last night, I had to work and wasn't around to supervise.  Apparently, my husband gave in and quicky replaced her pork chop with chicken.  I was livid!!  I'm surprised he just didn't give her ice cream for dinner. (I can see it.)  Whatever happened to I have your back?!

I went to the store yesterday to purchase a gift for our friends' baby shower this weekend.  With only a few items left on her gift registry, I was stuck with either bedding or bottle items.  I was pleased to see that all the items she chose for feeding were phthalate and BPA free...however, I was shocked at the prices: $12.99 for only two glass 3.5oz Dr. Brown bottles!!  Are you kidding me?!  Our friend is expecting twins too!  I purchased 4 packages of bottles for her and spent over $50!  You see new moms, you can be safe and phthalate free but it's gonna cost ya.  How can a family with a new baby (how about those with existing children as well) possibly afford these prices in this economy?!  I don't know who's responsible for such mark ups: Dr. Browns or Babies R'Us but either way....shame on them.  The phthalate free pacificers were over $4 for two as well!....and I can't tell you how many of those we lost over the years.  Is there a pacifier heaven along with a sock heaven?  At $2.25 a pop I'd sew them onto their clothing.  Time to start price comparison shoppping on line or to find more economical substitutes.  I guess I've been out of the newborn market for a while because I was simply outraged by the exorbitant prices - well nothing ever goes down does it?...unless it's my money in the market.  No wonder why new moms need baby showers?!  Hillary was right - it takes a village.

As if it's not hard enough being a new mom as it is, now there's the added pressure of stimulating your new baby intellectually as well.  That hypnotic black and white mobile over their crib just won't do it anymore....now it's videos like Your Baby Can Read (which my best friend purchased) and infant playdates.  I saw that commercial again the other day, the one with the baby boy in the high chair giving stock market feedback and I actually thought it was real....a new enrichment program like Your Baby Can Trade.  It's not far off people, "...when baby picks a winning stock we reward him or her with a quiet time or a wheat-free, gluten free, carob cookie."  The New Wining - Teaching Your Baby All About Pinot - I'm telling you it's not that unrealistic.  

Kids can really embarrass their mothers.  Lily got me and good yesterday.  I went to her Open School Night on Monday and met her teacher, the school librarian and other educational professionals.  They're all wonderfully supportive and nurturing....that's why not only am I embarrassed at what happened but I also feel like a real heel.  Lily's school librarian looks just like Miss Piggy.  I mean she's the spitting image of her.  I almost did a double take.  My husband was pinching my leg under the table and whispering "Hi Yah!" in my ear.

Our friend Hunter has sticky fingers and I don't mean from his juice box.  After our play date yesterday, he helped himself to a gratis Snickers bar from the deli.  You see, he wanted Reeses Pieces and a Snickers but was faced with an awful choice when told by his mum that he could only have one.  We didn't realize he had taken the Snickers until we were down the street and he had finished his Reeses only to begin working on the Snickers!  His mother was furious!!  She told him off, gave him a time out, made him go back and apologize and pay for it and it did not end there.  There was an embarrassing conversation over dinner with his father about his crime which resulted in him losing all Wii privelages this weekend.

  With the economy being so...for lack of a better word....slow....and airfares being at an all time low, I packed up our daughter and took her to England for a real summer vacation.  Well, it wasn't actually what we'd define as 'summer' over there but at least school was out of session.  We did some sightseeing in London and then headed southwest to spend time with family in Cornwall.  Cornwall is farm country and Lily, being born and raised in Brooklyn, was thrilled to see sheep, cows and horses on a regular basis.  When I informed her that her cousin owned ponies she replied, "Real ones?!"  Here are some photos from our trip.  By the way, those other blonde children in the photo with the lambs are her cousins.  I know, it was like the aryan children ver playing dahlink (imagine bad German accent).  And don't worry, that cow in this photo was a fake.  They only teach milking on fake cows as the real ones are waaaay too dangerous....and stinky.

We're leaving for England tomorrow and I'm still packing......and it's 12:30am already!  Still, I really shouldn't be complaining.  I remember the days of packing for Lily when she was an infant and all that gear I used to spend hours stuffing into suitcases and the back of our car.  God forbid I had to fly!!!  That was a bloody nightmare....and it was....as I'm a professional stand up comedian and traveling is the name of our game.  I remember getting that car seat or as I used to aptly refer to it- the baby bucket - through security.  What a pain in the *ss!!  Constantly collapsing that stroller for the xray machine.  Thank goodness for Chicco.  Kill me already....though thankfully I never had to prove to any security personnel that those bottles of breastmilk were just that...breastmilk...by drinking them.  That would have been a waste!  I remember you only had to press one button for my stroller to fold down.  The real hilarity ensued when kind strangers would try to help me but didn't quite listen or understand the whole 'button' system.  Ah....those were the days.  How are you dealing with traveling and all that gear??  Is there anything you just can't live without??  Today, it's the mini DVD player for Lily. 

My great grandmother (apparently) used to frequently say, "There's only one beautiful baby in the world and every mother's got one."  The words of a wise woman.  However, It appears, she was wrong.  Yesterday, while at our local pool, I got a gander at one of Lily's swimming mates' new baby sister.  I had to stop myself from recoiling in disgust as she was one of the ugliest babies I've ever seen.  She looked like an alien:  all scrawny; skinny; with horribly splayed fingers and toes.  I found myself struggling for compliments: "She's awfully cute....she's terribly adorable... she's a great eater....she's very long."  Now some of you will read this and think, wow that Funny Mom is a horrible person.  How could she say these things?  Especially on a site that focuses on Motherhood.  May god have mercy on her soul......(pause)......now tell me none of you have ever felt this way about an infant?! 

My gal pal has breast fed her new baby girl for the first 6 months of her life and now she is switching to formula (and still pumping) because she's going back to work...unless you know of a great wet nurse.  That could be the new recession proof career!  She feels so guilty about not being able to nurse for at least 18 months as she did her first two however, I say she's lucky to have had this time with her.  With the current male-cession (it's mostly men out of work), women are putting in longer and longer days.  It feels like years since any of my friends have been able to breast feed longer than 6 weeks.  Nevertheless, the baby is experiencing nipple confusion so mom is feeling even guiltier about her decision.  I keep reminding her, you do what you can when you can.  Just think, if she stays home from work and loses her job then she and the baby can spend endless hours starig into each others eyes.....in the park....in their tent....'cause they'll be homeless.  Do what you can when you can ladies and when you can't, there's always Dr.Browns.  Anybody have any other bottles to recommend for nipple confusion??.....my husband still suffers from it.  (ha ha)

That's right, you heard it moms and dads.  The 16-year old Disney star did a Brittney inspired pole dance last night at the Teen Choice Awards....and this is the young woman my tweenage, 9 year old niece looks up to?!  Talk about the wrong message!  Didn't they have a meeting before the show?  Or a rehearsal?...where someone over the age of 18 would have the chance to say, "Ummmm, I don't think so sweet pea.  Put your wig and your clothes back on and get rid of the pole."  It's bad enough that Disney constantly barages us with busty, small waisted female animated characters like Ariel and Tinkerbell (whom I really think is a drag queen anyway)....now they're bringing those cartoons to life?!   Puh-lease.  I guess this means I have to start working out again.

Sorry I've been away for so long.  I've missed blogging and all the comments from my readers but I had my big Endometriosis Surgery in June and that took me out of commission for literally 6 weeks.  Not kidding.  I'm just starting to feel normal again.  Just to give you a quick update:  I still have my ovaries but only one Fallopian Tube...so we're now officially Reproductively Challenged.  One of my friends asked me recently if I got pregnant, despite my age and my issues (reproductive not psychological) would I keep the baby?!  I was like are you kidding?  Of course!  I would want to have the baby Jesus.  Speaking of miracle babies, above left is the latest addition to our family, our  new niece, born in February.  She's now 7 months old and cuter than ever.

Our six year old is enrolled in swimming classes this summer.  She can swim.  She does what we call 'the advanced doggie' - as she's very quick.  However, the strokes allude her at the moment.  While the other kids are at least attempting the strokes in class my daughter is just slapping the surface.  She's still not crazy about getting her face wet....so this is a problem.

This year, with soooo many people unemployed and the number only rising, take the time to really enjoy the simple things this 4th of July.  Like the freedom to read this blog and not have your text messaging stopped by pro-government, anti populist forces (hello....Iran).   More importantly, really enjoy the company of your friends and family in particular your munchkins.  No matter what age they are they'll always be our munchkins.  And yes it's loaded with carbs but it's only potato salad.  Eat it for gods sake.  You can go back to the gym....or Harry.....or however you work off those calories on Monday.  Happy birthday America.

Here's the latest in what I call extreme toys:  a scooter that creates sparks.  Here's the description of it from Amazon verbatim: "Adding a bit of spark to the original kick scooter, the Razor Spark has modified its A2 scooter with a foot controlled, detachable Spark Bar to light up your ride. The Spark Scooter's spark cartridge creates 20 percent more sparks than other brands on the market thanks to its 5 flint pads. A bonus spark cartridge is included."  Flint pads have been added to a child's toy??!!  Are these toy manufacturers insane??  Did this thing come from China?  Lead based toothpaste, Thalate in baby bottles....it's not a stretch to think China's trying to destroy us.  Maybe it was Al Qaeda?  Sounds like an old Saturday Night Live sketch doesn't it?:  "Here's a great toy for the kids.....Johnny Blow Torch....or how about a bag of broken glass!"  And I thought Pee And Poo Plush toys were ridiculous.  Whoever came up with this latest idea had their head firmly rooted up their a$$.  I smell a recall.  Reeecalllllaaaaa........think Ricola cough drops.

It's the end of the school year and once again, I find myself in the 'shocked and appalled' mode when it comes to the teacher's gift.  For the past two years, I was the official money collector for the teacher's gift in December and the end of the year.  In the past, I found it hard to collect even 5 bucks from the other parents....and that was in better economic times.  They would argue that 5 was too much.  Ultimately, I found myself 'sweetening' the gift kitty to the tune of $50 each time.  Now, I find myself in the complaining position.  Fortunately, this year there are three moms in Lily's class who take care of all 'teacher/party business' and I am eternally grateful.  However, they are collecting $20 from each student, 20 students overall, for the teacher apprecitation gift certificate.  That's $400 people!  Am I the only one who thinks this is a little much?  It feels like a bribe.

We're on our fifth straight day of rain here in the northeast so that means another indoor play date.  Today, one of the other mothers offered to have all the kids over to her house!  Yeah!!! Finally, someone else has stepped up to the plate.  I don't mind having the kids over but between the noise and the constant rain, I'm done.  I'm tired of playing hide and seek and decorating cupcakes already.  They really need to run around outside too but it's just too darn wet and chilly for that.  What are you doing to keep your kids amused during this latest weather set back???

I'm writing this because we had a troubling notice come home from our school yesterday:  apparently, there are several children in our school who have life threatening allergies to peanuts, tree nuts, wheat, milk and eggs.  The officials in our district are actually contemplating segregating these children from the rest of the children during lunch.  I don't remember hearing about all these allergies when I was growing up: the attitude in the 70's was basically - "Oh well, it sucks to be you."  However, that is not the case today.  We can all debate why these allergies exist (pollution, pesticides) but that does nothing to solve the issue of anaphylactic shock.  When a kid can't breathe because of peanut butter fumes the 'why' debate helps no one. 

I had the surgical procedures (on May 22nd) to correct all the fertility problems associated with Endometriosis.  It's almost two weeks since I had the surgery and I'm still sore.  I was assured I'd heal quickly but I think Lily being home sick from school all last week didn't help.  It's hard to heal when you're cleaning up vomit....every 2 hours.  I went for my follow-up exam yesterday and was quite surprised to hear what my doctor advised.......

I've been keeping Lily home from her New York City School this week not because of the swine flu but because of flu-like symptoms:  fever; projectile vomiting (lovely); chills; muscle aches; coughing....the list just goes on and on....and she's sleeping even less as well.  Great.  The pediatrician said give her Tylenol that'll break the fever I was like: "No, you know what will break the fever - daylight because she's sucking the life out of me.  She's a vampire!"  Apparently, I'm not the only one.  I called the school to let them know I'm keeping her home and they told me that 52% of the school was absent on Tuesday!  I don't think it's just a scare either because ALL the children on our block are home sick this week with these flu-like symptoms in addition to their double ear infections and Strep throats.  Isn't childhood just lovely??  Is your child home sick with these flu-like symptoms this week?  What are you doing to pass the time?  Please share.

Ripped from today's headlines there's another story of a Teacher (aged 27) allegedly having sex with her 14 year old student.  Shocking and disgusting.  The mother of the boy was tipped off by another parent at their PTA meeting.  (I will never blow off another PTA meeting again.)  After checking out his cell phone, the mother found hundreds of contacts between the student and teacher who were allegedly having sex on the school grounds no less.  One of the last texts from the teacher told the boy to "erase your phone" which he obviously did not.   Apparently, she's still good at giving directions.....and he's stilll not good at following through on them. 

Lily got a hold of my camera this week and has been taking photos like crazy the fact that it's digital makes it so easy to delete most of the shots anyway.  It's not like years ago when you went to take a photo with your parents' camera and they flipped out because you'd be wasting film.  Here are some of her shots...she takes many of the television and some you just don't know what they are........

OMG!  I have been following this story like a mad woman.  In general, I scoff at reality shows but since day one I've been addicted to Jon & Kate Plus 8 and most recently, The Real Housewives series on Bravo (whether they're from New York City or Orange County I love those bitchy broads).  I've always been addicted to Jon & Kate Plus 8 because just the fact that these people have 6 children all of the same age in one household is completely compelling.  I thought potty training one 3 year old was hard enough....imagine doing it for 6 all at the same time!!  Not fun but these two people handle the children with a lot of grace and patience.  I'm continuously impressed.  So, my obvious fan status makes me uniquely qualifed to comment on their situation.  I've been reading all the comments from our readers to the original post about the story earlier this month and taking in reactions from various television talking heads and I'm appalled.

When Lily was 5 I was the center of her universe....a place I loved being though I knew it was short lived.  I did enjoy it while it lasted though.  The six year old child is a complex, independence seeking, bipolar animal who swings from extremes like, "Mommy I want to love you all day," to "I don't like you, you're not my friend anymore."  And that was only because I wanted her off my computer for a minute...jeeesh.....what's she gonna say when things really get bad?  "You're a disappointment as a mother?!"  Ooowwww!  Tough crowd.  Good thing I have a strong sense of self.  I know Youtube is addicting but puh-lease.

My husband has really frustrated me several times over the past couple of years when it comes to the care of our daughter when I'm away but this past weekend really takes the cake.  While I was in California with my show Mama's Night Out, Lily hurt her ankle in the park after school on Friday.  My husband told me about her injury on Saturday on the phone.  He stated that her ankle was 'slightly' swollen but that despite her injury she was jumping around like a bloody mountain goat and running nonstop (her usual antics).  I flew home Sunday, after two delayed and cancelled flights, and arrived quite late in the evening.  Her ankle looked quite swollen to me on Monday morning so I took her to the pediatrician.  She took one look at it and told us to get an xray immediately as she feared it was fractured.

"I love you so much I'll stab you in the f**kin' heart!"  That's what my neighbor Gina screamed at her husband last year at the block party....in front of everybody!  And she wasn't even drunk.  It's safe to say that most of the people in my neighborhood could easily star in Lifestyles Of The Poor And Unknown.  All I see, (who knows what goes on behind closed doors) are unhappy women married to spouses who are not emotionally present for them nor their children.  All is not well.  However, despite the block party breakdowns and the frequent police visits, Gina bought a video camera so her teenage son can tape her and her family antics for a reality show.  (PAUSE)  OMG! What was that??  A thud?  No, it was Gina hitting rock bottom.

Forget Cinco De Mayo celebrate Nueve De Mayo (minus the Swine Flu of course)!  My show Mama's Night Out is coming to California this year for Mother's Day weekend.  Join us at these theatres for a well deserved time out:

Friday, May 8th, 8:00pm
Lancaster Performing Arts Center
Lancaster, CA

May 9, 2009, 8:00pm
Victoria Gardens Cultural Center
Rancho Cucamonga, CA
Mama's Night Out is Comedy by mothers for everyone.  This show is the perfect gift for your mom or wife on Mother's Day.  Forget flowers or worse - that plant - something else she'll just have to take care of.  Give her a laugh instead.

As you may or may not know, my husband is no longer gainfully employed in the financial world....and I'm sure will never be again....at least at the level he was.  A few weeks ago, I wrote a piece here about it and I have been talking about it onstage.  I've been talking about his desire to go back to school to become a nurse (and when I say his desire I mean my desire for him) - to have a recession proof job.  Well, a news producer with ABC heard me talk about it onstage and caught the article that was done on us in the Financial Times, and they filmed a segment on us that will most likely air this Monday, May 4th, on World News with Charles Gibson between 6:30 - 7:00pm.  We were interviewed by Dan Harris.  Please tune in!  If for some reason it doesn't air Monday most likely it will air Tuesday, May 5th, same time same bat channel.  Have a great weekend!

My show Mama's Night Out is coming to New Jersey and New York this weekend just in time for Mother's Day - May 1 & May 2.  Give yourself and a fellow mama a time out with Mama's Night Out.  These ladies are my momtourage! ...And I promise none of us have the Swine Flu.  Here are all the details:
May 1, 2009, 8:00pm
South Orange Performing Arts Center (SOPAC)
South Orange, New Jersey
Phone - Call 973.313.ARTS (2787) - This is a return engagement!
May 2, 2009, 8:30pm
Don't Tell Mamas
New York, NY
343 W 46th St
New York, NY 10036
(212) 757-0788

At least three days a week after school at the playground, we buy Lily (and at least 2 of her friends) popsicles from the ice cream truck.  They're pretty cheap - only $3.00 a day for 4 small popsicles.  However, since my husband was laid off....again....I've been taking a hard look at our finances.  Fortunately, I've been busier than ever however, we need to be more careful with money.  We still have $3 for popsicles but should we be spending $9 a week on popsicles from the truck when they're cheaper to buy from the supermarket? I don't think so. 

As you may or may not know, my husband and I have been "trying" to have another child for some time now.  Our first pregnancy was a spontaneous one so we thought the next one would be as well.....wrong.  Ever since I gave birth to the uber baby six years ago (nine and a half pounds), I have been suffering with very painful periods.  The pain is so bad I thought I was pre-menopausal or something.   To which my sensitive G.P. told me, "You're not pre-menopausal you're just overweight."  Thanks.  After seeing many specialists (including Infertility Specialists) and having all sorts of humiliating tests done (now when I see a gloved hand I just disrobe....which made skiing somewhat awkward this year) finally I have the answer:  Endometriosis.   

We took Lily to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden this week to see the annual Hanami or Cherry Blossom Festival.  This is one of our favorite things to do and this year, with all the constant bad news we really needed a little pick me up, especially since I had just mailed the IRS a check for $3000.  It's okay, I just made it out to AIG (too bad we couldn't just write them off as a dependent)..  But seriously, we didn't participate in any tea bag temper tantrums - I thought that was the realm of my overbearing mum.  Honestly, who do these people that protest taxes think is going to pay for our way of life: the road fairy? the school fairy?  Grow up already.  These are probably the same people who voted for George Bush....not once but twice.  It came as no shock to me that it was all coordinated by the Fox News Channel.

Lily's class had an Easter slash Passover party last week.  She absolutely adores both holidays so the party was a real treat for her.  I have to admit I love spring too...in fact I wish it would show up one of these days...it's cold as ever and miserable here in the northeast.  So, any kind of celebration that marks a change of season is always welcome to us.  Her teacher asked us all to donate $5 for the supplies so I didn't even have to bake for this party.....I'm loving her teacher more every day.

  Here's a picture of Lily standing next to the table of goodies (and that was just the dessert!) at the Easter Party we attended this past weekend in Brooklyn.  Thank god it was held in a night club with a huge dance floor so the kids could run off all that sugar.   The peeps and juice pouches alone were enough to propel her into outer space...nothing gets you higher than high fructose corn syrup.  If she gets the same amount of chocolate this year from family members as she did last year than I think the tooth fairy will be visiting soon too...and he'll be giving her dental floss instead of money.

I listened to all the vapid talking heads on Good Morning America this morning review the controversial new PSA on domestic violence featuring actress Keira Knightley.  You know you live in a misogynist culture when people take issue with a psa on domestic violence.  Yes, the images are graphic and disturbing....but here's a dose of reality.....domestic violence is graphic and disturbing.  It's only a film and it's meant to be wake us up out of our anesthetized state of stupidity on the subject.  Enough with the sugar coating already.  We're all so overweight as it is.  Let's thin down on reality.  That's the plan for spring: let's all shed 20 pounds worth of denial.

Sorry I've been out of touch but we've had bad news around here lately:  my husband's company had another round of lay offs and he was included.  It was the fourth round of lay offs since they started having them back in January of 08 (hello churning stomach acid and explosive diahrea).  He managed to cling to his job for a very long time for which I'm very proud of him......it appears that the same stalker qualities he exhibited when meeting me came in handy around the office.  However, it appears the financial industry he worked in for many years is just disintegrating.  So now it's time for more change.........

Lily had two girlfriends over today for a play date as it's still too bloody cold here in the northeast to play outside for longer than one hour.  That trip to Florida last week ruined me for the rest of winter...I'll be complaining and shivering long into June.  Any hoo, the girls had a great time except for the tears, bickering, whining, door slamming, foot stomping drama....and that was just me.....no, just kidding.  That was all the domain of the other ladies in the house.....

Snow on the first day of spring got you down??!!  Then give yourself a time out with the hit theatrical comedy MAMA'S NIGHT OUT coming to South Jersey tomorrow, Saturday, March 21st at 7:30pm.  Oh, by the way, I'm in the show too....did I forget to mention that??  Our show has been selling out venues all over the country.  March 6th & 7th we just had two sell out shows in Pennsylvania!  Proving that especially in this economy, people need a good laugh and Mama's Night Out delivers clean, family style comedy for moms and dads of all ages.  So join us for some real belly laughs at the Stafford Township Arts Council this weekend!  Hope to see you there.

Despite the economy or perhaps because of it, I'm on a quest to have Lily visit with her oldest relatives this year.  Not that we're looking to have her grandfathered into any wills, we're just happy to see her with grandmothers and great grandmothers on both sides.  No great grandfathers left I'm afraid.  The men in our family usually die early....because they can.  This photo of four generations of my husband's family was taken last week in Florida.  That's my husband's grandmother on the right and she's almost 94! 

You know, it isn't only the fat cats on Wall Street who have become synonymous with greed and excess these days.....self-important celebrities are right up there too with the overpaid and undeserving.  Today, I learned that Oprah just penned a deal with XM Satellite Radio for $55 Million.  

  Finally, a Hollywood actress is doing more with her breasts than just flaunting them on the red carpet.....and people are upset?  I generally don't write about celebrities unless they're doing something monstrously stupid or ridiculously funny because let's face it:  they're over exposed; completely boring; unimportant; narcisstic; and mostly irrelevant.  However, this story really has me intrigued.  Apparently, Selma Hayek, was in Sierra Leone and breastfed a malnourished baby boy....whom she's not related to.....(pause)....okay.   Sounds good to me....right?  Sounds like she may have even saved the baby's life.  So.....isn't that a good thing?  Haven't people ever heard of wet nurses?   Wouldn't you share your breast milk with a starving baby?  I don't see a problem. 

If you need a laugh this weekend, a time out from all the bad news about the economy, join my friends Nancy Witter and Karen Morgan and I for our own laughter stimulus package, Mama's Night Out, in Pennsylvania:

March 6, 2009
8:00 PM
Majestic Theatre
Gettysburg, PA

March 7, 2009
Sellersville Theater
Sellersville, PA

 "Obama said he hopes the terrorists don't follow us home, but if they do, and they want to bring down a building, the CitiCorp Center is at Lexington and 53rd." --Bill Maher

I have always tried to shield my child and other children from bad news or tragedy....which both apply to this economy.  However, there are some invaluable lessons to be learned from the current global financial crisis.  My in-laws, frugal as they are (admittedly sometimes embarrassingly so), grew up in the post-depression era Midwest.  Consequently, they really know how to squeeze a penny and have never lived beyond their means.  They, like my Hungarian refugee father, live by the mantra, "If I don't have the cash I can't afford it."  Very wise words indeed. 

I have to say, the phrase necessity is the mother of invention is very true....now more than ever.  Years ago, when my husband was unemployed and I could no longer go on the road for weeks doing comedy, my mom comedian friends (Karen Morgan and Nancy Witter) and I put together our mommy-centric theatrical comedy experience Mama's Night Out.  Three years later, I'm thrilled to report Mama's are selling out theatres all over the country.  We saw a niche and came up with a product to fill it.  We had to.  We're not bragging.  There were simply no producers out there willing to take on three non-famous, over forty-something (two of us overweight too) moms.  So we produced ourselves, got a manager, eventually an agent and years later here we are. 

Many parents of Lily's fellow Kindergarteners are getting anxious about the upcoming annual testing for our district's Eagle Program - accelerated classes for exceptional students.  I spoke with four mothers after school yesterday in the park about how they feel their children are 'perfect candidates' (believe me I was sucked into the conversation, I tried to back out gracefully several times but, like the Godfather, they just kept pulling me back in).  

When Lily was a tiny baby, my husband and I joined the organic food revolution.  We started shopping at Whole Foods and went out of our way to find local farmers' markets.  Every time we'd pass a McDonalds we'd shudder and say, "The horror, the horror."  However, with our current household budget shrinking, I've had to make cuts (many) where I can and sadly, organic food is one of them.  We can always go back to our healthier, more expensive, nutritional lifestyle when things improve but for now, we'll just have to stomach preservatives, fill-ins and chemicals.  Which all makes me sad because contrary to what you might think, I don't believe organic food makes us live longer it just makes the time we have here healthier.  In a strange twist of fate, I believe it's all those preservatives that actually make people live longer and at the rate things are going - global warming, potable water shortages - I don't know if I want to be around for all that.  I hadn't planned on it.  However, I had to remind my husband last night that we should just be thankful we have food in the fridge to even debate over (and now we at least have a little extra for the beer we need to help us forget).  What cuts have you had to make in your budget?  Please share, you'll feel better about it.

As if there isn't enough pressure on kids today, there seems to be a push to get babies to read now.  Remember when teaching your baby to sign was all the rage?  I remember seeing tons of babies in restaurants signing the 'eat' sign and thinking, "What a shame.  There are so many deaf children in the northeast."  I had no idea at the time that it was a movement!  I woke up late last night, after passing out on the couch around 8:30pm.  Lily is on vacation this week from school so we took her and her friend for a fun-filled day at the New York Hall of Science, needless to say I was wiped out.  The place was so crowded we could barely move but the kids didn't seem to mind.  I guess the native New Yorker in them doesn't mind 20 person ques for the toilet and various science/math games.  Any rate, I digress, around 2am I came across an infomercial for Your Baby Can Read or some such thing...I can't remember the exact name and I don't care to give them a plug here anyway.  It was so ridiculous it was laughable.....

I've learned in my short life that the key to happiness is lowered expectations.  So I'm not expecting any boxes full of chocolates this Valentines nor any naughty lingerie (which is really a present for him more than for me).  I've been hinting for weeks that I like dark chocolate with nuts but I'm sure those hints fell on deaf ears.  Not to worry, they'll taste even better at half price on Sunday.  I'm not expecting much at all:  a hug from my husband; a lovely crayon drawn picture from my 6 year old (the best presents I could ever receive actually).  But one of my girlfriends passed along a great laugh to me for Valentines and I'd like to share it with you....

A man asked his wife what she'd like to have for her Birthday.  "I'd like to be six again'", she replied.

It's not just me who thinks the now famous Los Angeles mom of octuplets bears a striking resemblance to Angelina Jolie...they must have the same plastic surgeon....it's all over the internet and all the comedians in the clubs are talking about it too.  They both have those unnaturally augmented lips going on:  like goldfish being pushed through a key hole.  Angelina also has an ever growing brood of kids (both biological and adopted) but unlike Octomom she also has a mate and tons of dough.  Is Nadya trying to be Angelina?  Is this just a more elaborate form of stalking?  (I also think she wants her own show on TLC like the Gosselins.)  I bet if you do a little back tracking in her email you'll see tons of emails to Angelina's fan site.  I bet she's been 'friending' Angelina like crazy on Facebook.....and I'm sure Angelina's people have her on 'ignore'.

So, I went off to the store today to buy a gift for my friend's new baby.  It's her second so she really didn't need anything besides diapers, wipes and new bottles.  She asked me to pick up ones that were BPA free.  Now I remember a few months ago all the hullabaloo over harmful chemicals in plastic baby bottles and pacifiers from China.....remember when the worst thing you get could get from the Chinese was MSG??....any rate, so off I went to Babys'R'Us to be confused and overwhelmed......

Lily is skating so well this year.  That figures though - she's 6 now.  We started her in lessons when she was 3.  That was kind of useless....she spent most of her time on her tush..she appeared to enjoy it though.  She used to ask me all the time, "Kating?"  She couldn't even say it forget doing it.  Ahhhh memories.  They grow up so fast...makes me sad.

We had a visit from my old college buddy Judy yesterday and her two year old son Joshua.  He's just the most adorable little tot....but at 33 pounds he's not so little considering he's not walking yet.  What a chunky little back breaker he is....good thing he's cute.  Imagine if he wasn't?!  He does the soldier crawl a lot, you know slithering around on his belly....looking for insurgents and cookies.  He's walking with the aide of tables and chairs, pulling himself up but not quite able to walk farther than a few steps without someone or something to lean on.....kind of like Judy's drunken college days. 

My sister gave birth to another daughter yesterday at 3:43pm......all 7lbs 15oz of her!  The biggest one yet for my sister.  This little girl, who is yet to be named, is baby number three.  There are two names being bandied about right now.  Thankfully, my nine year old niece's favorite, Hannah Montana, is not one of them.  She was induced two weeks early but mum and baby are faring well.  I have yet to see the new tot so I haven't been able to play babyrazzi yet but I will soon.  The last time my sister gave birth I was her partner as she was widowed on 9/11.  I'm overjoyed at the birth of this baby but I can't help thinking of when Patrick (or as we like to call him 'the terror') was born.  So, I'm slightly melancholy today but truly happy about non Hannah Montana.

Now that the cold weather is upon us we're having fewer and fewer play dates in the park.  In fact, all the children are coming over here....or we just have no play dates at all.  I don't mind the all kids coming here but shouldn't some of the other moms be reciprocating with play dates at their house by now?  What's up with that?  Have they forgotten?  Are they suffering from momnesia?  Should I send them a leading group email with the re: Playdate At Your House This Thursday? 

Again, I don't know where my friend finds these photos but everytime she sends them my way I feel the need to share them with you.  This one brought a much needed chuckle as I received it the moment the current wave of job losses was announced.  I don't know which is worse - his legs (or just that stance??!!), those wings or that wall in need of a power washing.  Laugh it up people.  Comedy is a much needed remedy in these times.

That was what someone told me at a child's birthday party last week.  As the parent of an only child I've heard many stupid, thoughtless remarks from other parents but this one took the cake....I just had to vent about it here.  You see, I made the mistake of engaging one of the other parents in what I thought was going to be a harmless, plesant conversation.  I paid a father a compliment on his identical twin sons, I told him that they were so well behaved and sat so patiently while the cake was handed out.  They were dear little boys.  The father then launched into a tirade about "What a handful" they are and that before he had them that he only had one child...like me.  And that, "Having one kid is easy.  Having three is a whole different story.  That's when you know you're a real parent - when you have more than one!" 

Considering our bleak economy (or at least that's what the media war drum keeps beating), the war and all the job losses this past year, I made it very clear to many of our friends that we are no longer exchanging gifts for Christmas & Hanuhkah.  I explained that not only were we doing it for monetary reasons but to reduce stress levels (mine, as I do ALL the shopping) and to emphasize "less is more" for our children (or at least my child).  I explained that we'd much rather spend time with our friends and loved ones this holiday season (and from now on) rather than money. 

I only turned on the television a few times over the holiday week and each time I did it was more depressing: from the recession; to the war; to the attacks in the middle east; and to the most depressing of all - the press' relentless coverage of the Obama family in Hawaii.  I'm sure you saw the countless photos of him with his girls just trying to buy ice cream.  There were times when one could just read from the President Elect's face that his B.S. Barometer had reached fever pitch.  It raised the same annoyance levels in me as when Sarah Palin would spout words like "dontcha" or "gotcha". 

Now that I have one of my own, it's no wonder A.A. Milne wrote a book of poetry for six year olds.  Something magical happened when Lily turned six on 12/22/08: she blossomed socially.  It was like she awoke from baby slumber into a true, young girl: she's chatting like mad; very confident; sassy; cracking jokes; telling her friends to copy her; had her first sleep over; and is suddenly full of 'poo poo and pee pee' songs.  It's a lot of fun....but it also makes me melancholy for my baby.  Now that we're in this stage of life the curtain has officially closed on 'totland'.  She had her friend Eleanor sleep over last night.  I was so relieved when Lily came into my room for a cuddle after her friend fell asleep.  I was actually heartened to hear her say, "I miss you mama."  I miss you too my darling....but I'm still here for you.  I always will be.

Hours after posting Santa Phobia, my post about my 6 year old daughter's irrational fear of jolly Old Saint Nick, my friend sent me these photos of other scared children with that awful Santa.  I don't get it!  Is is the suit?  The beard?  I understand being scared of a giant rabbit at Easter, I get that too, it's like an acid flash back or something.  But this guy is harmless...and he brings presents!!  Enjoy these, I don't know where she got them but they're hilarious... I think I would have felt better if the kids in the photo were 6 years old and up and not visibly babies. 

No, it's not fear of saints and religious artifacts.  In fact, Santa Phobia has nothing to do with religion at all (just like Santa himself).  It's just that unreasonable fear kids have of that kindly, old fat guy who comes once a year in a red suit bearing gifts.  What's so scary about that?!   Beats me.  Here's a photo of Lily's annual pose with Santa -  with her back to him - that's the only way she'll pose with Santa.  She refuses to make eye contact, typical city kid.  She acts like she just met him on the subway or something.  She's 6 now and still petrified of him.  It's starting to be embarrassing.  Will this ever end?  Are your kids scared or still scared of Santa?  Please share the pain.

I can't believe my baby girl is turning 6 next week.  We had her birthday party yesterday and when it came time to sing Happy Birthday I got all verklempt.  I actually had to hold back the tears.  Suddenly, it hit me.  My baby isn't my baby anymore.  She's growing up faster than I ever imagined.   Enjoy them while you can 'cause before you know it: they don't want to sit on your lap anymore; don't want you to cuddle them; and would much rather walk in front of you than hold your hand.  Cherish your babies while you can and tell them you love them every day.

As I posted earlier today, my husband is very anti-Christmas including the decorations.  So, to reduce seasonal stress I try to use ones that won't depress him too much and cause him to fly off into one of his 'it's so commercial' rants (I call them Blitzen Fits).  See our peace frog and Christmas Lobster....definitely not Kosher for my side of the family.  One thing we both agree on:  we both detest those giant, outdoor, snow globe things that use a fan to blow bits of styrofoam around encased Santas or Snowmen.  It's like, "Oh look, Santa's got respiratory problems."  Weird and such a waste of electricity.

My husband hates Christmas decorations so in order to keep the peace in our home over the holidays we have to put up lights that barely have anything to do with the season.  Our daughter is just glad that we have any lights up whatsoever so she's oblivious to the obviously out of season Diving Dolphin light at right.  Just the ritual of putting up the decorations was enough excitement for her.  What concessions are you making this holiday season?

I was at the mall yesterday and realized something, I just don't have the money nor the patience this year for the holidays.  I'm so behind on shopping and we didn't even take our holiday photo yet either.  However, for the first time,......I'm not really bothered by it all.  I really could care less.  We just wrote a check this morning for $2k to our adoption agency so that's where our money is really going this year.  I think that would be a much better present to the family anyway - a new life rather than a new pair of gloves.  So I need to make it down to Washington soon to get a Christmas bail out because we've only got $600 this year and this is how far it has to be stretched:  12 presents; 6 birthday presents; tips for the babysitter, manicurist, aerobics instructor, teacher, mail man, crossing guard; and a new bike for Lily's b-day on the 22nd.  Oh...and I won't be taking the family jet either....I'll just drive down in my 97 Corolla with the broken door now that gas prices are so low.....

What I loved this year the most about Thanksgiving was the fact that I didn't have to cook it...again.  Though I did bring several awesome (if I do say so myself), Weight Watchers friendly side dishes, I didn't have to serve a lot of people.  What a relief.  It's not like I don't do it all year long, between birthdays and barbecues and Easter/Passover, I'm all 'entertained' out.  In fact, we had such a good time at our friend's gathering that I already put in dibs to have it there again next year.  Our friends and family all drew straws to see who would be doing it next year.  I put in for our friends twice.  They had no idea.  I acted all bummed out when I didn't draw the short straw, "Darn it.  I lost again!"  That acting training comes in very handy.

I'm not the even hosting the family Thanksgiving Dinner this year but that doesn't mean I won't be busy preparing my 'dishes' to bring:  sweet potato pies; biscuit wreath; and two Spaghetti Squash Casseroles.  My Thanksgiving To Do List was ridiculously unrealistic.  As of this morning:  it had 23 separate tasks listed.  So, I had a big glass of wine and took a deep breath.  I got rid of 14 tasks now there's only 9 left to do before Thursday morning.  I got rid of the 'doing laundry' one, heck that's what perfume is for and the 'baking cookies' one too (hello Shop Rite).  Now that I can handle.  Do you overschedule and multi-task too much too?  Tell me about it.

We had four kids over this afternoon for an after-school playdate as it was waaaaay too cold to meet at the park.  We actually did meet on the playground but after only 25 minutes of that bone chilling, blustery north east wind, we were all headed for the comfort of the indoors....our indoors and I found myself scrounging for snacks for five hungry kids. 

We had our first official Parent Teacher Conference with Lily's new Kindergarten teacher last night, not that I didn't speak with her every day the first three weeks during Lily's transition from first grade back to Kindergarten but who's counting?  I'm happy to report, for the first time in her schort school history, that she's doing exceedingly well!!!  And I'm not just lying to make myself feel better about it this time!

  My show Mama's Night Out is going to be in two of the coldest spots in the country this week.  Mama's Night Out is comedy by mothers for everyone.  If you're in need of a night out and you're near these theatres here's the ticket information:

Rosza Center For the Arts, Houghton, MI, 11/19;

Grand Theatre, ArtsBlock, Wausau, WI, 11/22

My niece is turning 10 this November 22nd and she's a real tweenager: complete with attitude; the perpetual rolling of the eyeballs; and the desire for a cell phone for her birthday.  She's getting one too....texting privelages as of yet are not a guarantee.  She's only in 4th grade for goodness sake!   My mum is giving her gems to decorate her phone with and a 'cool soft pink leather skin' for it.  Has she lost her mind?!  And since when has my mother purchased anything cool??

We had a neighbor's kid over today for a play date.  He was unusually well behaved and was really happy to be over playing with Lily inside while it poured outside.  She was also thrilled to have him over.  The play date was a success!...until...(dramatic theme music)....duh duh dummm.....his parents picked him up 90 minutes late and didn't answer their cell or my texts.  What to do?....

My husband and I are seeing a fertility specialist, turns out we have reproductive issues.  I had to take the HSG test earlier this week and god was it painful!  They warned me ahead of time to take a painkiller and I was like yeah right.  I had a 9 and a half pound baby the first time!  I gave birth to a toddler!  How bad could it be?  Wrong.  Very bad.  In laymen's terms, it's an xray of one's fallopian tubes, ovaries, the works....  Looks like my right side is completely blocked. Why am I not surprised?  It couldn't be easy but I did conceive Lily 5 years ago with that same blockage (most likely) in place....so keep your fingers crossed. 

Just wanted to let you know that my show MAMA'S NIGHT OUT is coming to Minne-snowta this weekend for three shows!  MAMA'S NIGHT OUT (my momtourage) is comedy by mothers for everyone so you can definitely bring your husband.  Here's all the info:

There's a spring in my step today.  Wonder what it could be?  Could it be.....hope?  That's right, I'm actually feeling hopeful today for the first time in a long time.  I went to vote at 6:50am at our local school in Brooklyn just in case there were any lines.  Guess what?!  There were!  The lines were wrapped around the building.  The turn out is amazing.  I hope our current president sees the news tonight (it comes on right after Barney, George) and interprets the vast voter turnout as I do:  the people's mandate for change, that we're anxious to have the current adminstration over.  There's been a Bush, a Dick, a Colon....I think we got screwed.  Say bye bye boys.  I pray for all the Democrats on the ticket today.  It's important to get out there and vote dear readers....as we don't have this one locked up by a long shot. 

Diana Ross has nothing on our 5 year old Lily.  Last year, we went through three costumes in one day:  dragon; bunny; and finally a mime.  This year, she went to school as a mouse but will trick or treat later on as a ghost.  Here's costume number one:

Semen, stirrups and massaging one's cervix...sounds like a porno right?  Wrong.  Those were the topics of conversation at my first meeting with our fertility specialist on Tuesday....and we didn't even have dinner yet!  No Sade or Luther Vandross playing in the background either and no candles!  Just barked out questions like, "How's your menstrual history?"  I don't know I wasn't very good in that class.  "How many days do you bleed?"  Wow!  I've forgotten what it's like to be pregnant or when one is trying to conceive:  you're no longer a human being you're a science experiment.  Now I know that the good doctor is just trying to help me.  This is his job and I am thankful that he's up for it.....excuse me....ready, willing and able.

My daughter Lily is in Kindergarten in the local public school. There is a new phenomenon in going on in New York City elementary schools:  students watch movies and television instead of playing outside at lunchtime. On this one I'm not going to be a-political and try to show both sides of the issue because as far as I'm concerned, there is no valid argument for this besides furthering the interests of the fat, lazy, overpaid staff at her school... and I say that with all due respect.

I've written about it before in past blogs, juice boxes are full of sugar.  Lily's class is going to have a little Halloween party next week.  I was elected to bring the juice boxes.   Now considering how much sugar these little munchkins will be consuming later that day and at the party (with all those sugary, frosted baked treats), I'm bringing lowfat milk and wateroos instead of juice boxes.  I'm sure none of the kids will be like, "It's not apple juice?!"  Well if they do who cares anyway?!  What's the matter little Johnny?  Need a fix?  Juice boxes are like a gateway drug for meth.

Our daughter Lily is 5 years old and born late in the year... December 22nd to be exact.  She was promoted from Kindergarten to first Grade this year... much to my dismay, despite my begging and pleading. However, the New York City Public School system, in it's infinite wisdom, states that everyone born in 2002 regardless of month is in first grade this year no exceptions...nothing like taking the individual into account. You vill go to first grade und you vill like it!

I don't know where my friend finds these photos but she's always sending me something hilarious.  I just had to share these with you:  this woman could be a poster child for therapy.  The slogan would be "Co-Dependency Issues Treated".  This couple set up camp in Dysfunction Junction.  Wherever these photos were taken they obviously don't have Oprah.

Our 5-year-old daughter Lily is our only child.  It wasn't our plan to have only one child...but so far, that's just how it worked out.  If it was though, that would be fine too.  We're working on changing her status but in the meantime, we've still got the brand.  I feel like every day, in one way or another, I'm reminded that we only have one child.....not from good friends of course but the public at large.  I just love it when people meet us for the first time and say things like, "Is she your only one?"  Emphasis on only.  "You really should have another...just in case."  Thanks.  Thanks for that reminder...what did you say your name was?....the grim reaper??  Oh sorry, I forgot. 

How about this??  Instead of bailing out Wall Street why not just give the money directly to the American people?!  That's the kind of financial Viagra we could all use right now. Go ahead Mr. Bush, with your bad self, and stimulate my economic package already.  That sounds like a much better idea to me than giving more money to the Wall Streeters who lost it in the first place. 

My father-in-law has unfortunately become Lily's grumpa.  He just turned 70 but you'd think it was 90.  He's on medications for all sorts of ailments: high blood pressure; high cholesterol; some liver thing; and a mood disorder.  As a result of this pharmaceutical cocktail, he sleeps most of his life away.  He is a very sweet man....at least from what I remember.  The last time we actually had a real conversation was about three years ago.  Being in a permanent state of slumber and hard of hearing doesn't make participation in family activities nor communication easy for him.  Sadly, Lily now treats him like a piece of furniture.  She'll jump on him once in a while but otherwise she doesn't even notice. 

When I was a teenager, a girl in our school got pregnant.....by a college boy no less.  Very shocking.  At least back then it was.  Today, this is very common and accepted and even more common for the grandparents to raise the child whilst the young woman finishes college and or grad school.  That girl was a friend of mine by the way.  Her son, the mistake, his real name is Robert, is now 25!  The mistake will graduate law school this year.  I remember the days when he wasn't supposed to answer the phone and his family denied his existence.  Thankfully, those days are long gone.  My husband and I waited a long time to have Lily.  She's now five and we're now old.  I'm 40.  I can't believe I actually typed that out loud.  Actually, at first I typed 36.  How pathetic, I'm even lying to people I can't see about my age.  Here's even more shocking news:  this dinosaur is trying to reproduce.  Should my eggs be in the Smithsonian too??

We celebrated new years (the Jewish one) on Long Island at #13 Dysfunction Junction with the family again.  After the awkward moments, the dramatic sighs and slamming doors were all over, Lily and I headed off to one of those roadside haunted farms for a less scary experience.  We picked pumpkins, apples and ate fresh roasted corn.  It was a blast.

Despite all the turmoil in the markets, partisan politics and the war in Iraq, looking at pictures of Mr. & Mrs. Obama in their most "naked" moments - in front of crowds, cameras and all the rest of us - fills me with hope.  Their respectful, tender and encouraging pda-ing including "the bump", are an example of what true love and admiration really look like.  The usual pics of presidential candidates and their wives feature them holding hands and waving to the crowds.  They're clearly just another meaningless photo op.  This is quite different.  She's got his back - literally and philosophically.  Very refreshing.

Lily may be spending most of her time crying in first grade but she is reading too.  I must admit, despite my frequent complaints of too much homework, that she learned a great deal in Kindergarten.  By the time she graduated, (I know sounds funny doesn't it? but Kindergarten is a big milestone and deserves celebration when completed) she was just a few steps shy of reading.  Now, she's reading like a champ.  I'm so proud of her.  I love this picture because she reminds me of the commuters who read on the trains....only I don't remember seeing too many of them reading the Scholastic Weekly Reader.  Maybe that's the problem.  They were usually reading something much simpler....like The Post or the Daily News.

A little girl comes home from her first day of school.  Her mother asks, "What did you learn today?"   The little girl replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

Lily, our five year old, is having trouble adjusting to the 'independent work' of first grade.  She's bright and is operating at grade level but is breaking down (and having trouble pulling it back together again) when she makes a mistake, misses a direction, or something else equally as minor.  She also needs a little prompting to keep up.  However, this is not unusual nor alarming....at least for me.  We just keep reassuring her of her intelligence and ability.  We are her support group...and the meetings are daily not weekly.

Just in case you're in need of some serious belly laughs or a little me-time, that my show MAMA'S NIGHT OUT is going to be appearing in Pennsylvania very soon.  Here are all the details:  Thursday, Oct. 9, 7:00PM, Capitol Theatre in Chambersburg and; Friday, Oct. 10, 7:00pm, at the Shopland Hall/Scranton Cultural Center in Scranton.  Don't worry, we won't be appearing with Sarah Palin or McCain in Scranton....our show is a comedy not a tragedy.  MAMA'S NIGHT OUT is comedy by mothers for everyone.

I know it's way early in the school year to be proclaiming this but I will go out on a limb and say, I love first grade.  I'll tell you why:  less homework than Kindergarten.  I'm not kidding.  Last year, when Lily was a kindergartner, we had at least one to one and a half hours of a homework a night.  It was brutal: trying to get her to focus on new topics (yes, they had us start new subjects at home, and we weren't even on salary), review old ones and do 'busy work' for what seemed like an eternity every day.  Every weekend we had a book report due too!  We were teaching Lily all about sharing at that time and one day she asked me, "Can I share my homework with my friends?"  Smart girl.  This year, so far, we only have one book report a month and only 30-40 minutes of homework a night.  We no longer start crying the minute we leave the playground after school....I'm talking about me!  There is a god.....and she is merciful.  Are you in homework hell?  Let us know your story.

There's a rumor in the entertainment industry (well at least among us comics) that Sesame Street retired the Cookie Monster character because of his unhealthy eating habits.  "He's a monster...he has a different metabolism than humans for gods sake!  And he never actually ate the cookies...more like crushed them."  I'm quoting fellow comic Karen Bergreen with that joke.  I don't see him anymore on new episodes of the popular childrens series.  Am I missing something?  Is he still on them?  Are we just not seeing the episodes featuring him in the northeast?  If it's true it makes me very sad 'cause I really liked him.  His complete lack of decorum around baked goods is rivaled only by my Hungarian grandmother.

This ride was symbolic of the emotional roller coaster we were on with Lily and all her female cousins this past Sunday.  We spent the day at a wonderful (and expensive) amusement park but still....very few of the female children were happy or allowed us to see them being happy.  They're all budding divas and drama queens no matter what their birth order.  It was a day of crying, sighing, demanding, threatening, door slamming, ultimatums, foot stamping and that was just the five year olds.  I was like who wants Midol?  By the end of the day, I felt like Lindsay Lohan's personal assistant.  Do you suffer from little girl drama??  Do tell.

This was the first year since 9/11 that my husband and I didn't go to the pit to memorialize.  Frankly, the scene at the Trade Center every year on the anniversary is too much for us.  We're finding it more difficult now to hear our brother-in-law's name read aloud with the other victims than ever.  I thought time would numb that.....but it hasn't.  My friend Heinrich's last name starts with an A so luckily between my brother-in-law and Heinrich, the tension is over early in the proceedings for us.  So, this year we chose to repeat our walk across the Brooklyn Bridge on the 7th not the 11th.

Lily starts school at 8:05am, eats lunch at 11:50am and has snack at 10:30am.  We, the parents, were advised at first grade orientation by her teachers that we are to send in only healthy snacks.  I've been sending in what I believe to be healthy snacks:  cut up fruit; pretzels; yogurt; organic oreos.  Only to find out, that her teachers have been withholding her snacks because they don't feel they're healthy enough and I quote, "are loaded with sugar."  Do teachers really have the right to tell your children what they can and can not eat?  Should teachers supercede your judgement when it comes to your childrens nutrition?

You know, the whole Sarah Palin nomination for GOP VP has really got me thinking.  Every time I see her, she's posing with her husband and her five children...she's pro-life if you haven't heard already.  Well, she must be pro-babysitter and pro-daycare too because who is raising her children while she's busy being Governor of Alaska and now VP hopeful - campaigning all over the place?  Why have a big family if you're not intending to raise them?  Are all these pictures just more lies being propagated by our society that we can have it all?  That we can have whatever we want:  tons of children, a happy family and a fabulous career?  Is that even possible?

It's all over the internet: GOP Veep Candidate Sarah Palin's unmarried teen daughter is pregnant. And? Why am I not shocked? Heres some new for you - it happens every day in America and all over the world for that matter. It's no secret, we all know that teen pregnancy rates among girls 15-19 years of age in America are on the rise. As the mother of a daughter, I'm hoping that perhaps this will draw some attention to this disturbing trend. I heard the Democratic Presidential Candidate say over the weekend (I'm paraphrasing), "..families and children [of politicians] should be off limits." Exactly. Right on Mr. Obama, once again you have proven that you are the man.

Okay so it's the first day of school and amidst all the drama of getting ready, (yes, there were some tears and nervous rants like, "I can't find my bloody hair clips mama!") Lily lost her second tooth!  She said, "There's something in my mouth."  It was her tooth!...hanging by what looked like a gruesome thread.  We quickly put it in an envelope under her pillow for the tooth fairy.  At least that's what I thought we did....

Home Study? Sounds like we're preparing for a test or something. Well, we kind of are. In short, a Home Study is when a social worker visits your home, checks to make sure it's safe and clean, and interviews your immediate family members in preparation for adoption. I've answered the same questions over and over again to so many different 'official state representatives' that at this point I feel like I should just have myself digitized and laminated.

Lily is starting 1st Grade next Tuesday and she's growing more excited each day.  I'm excited too.....on so many selfish levels.  The only part I'm dreading is the back to school shopping for all her supplies.  The list for 1st Grade supplies for her school is only one page long but it's jam packed with expensive requirements: from oil pastel crayons; to reams of paper; blank CDs; and money for toner cartridges; we're looking at about $125 worth of supplies.  We're not just talking sparkly glue, pretty contruction paper and fancy backpacks anymore.   That is so 90s.  Due to the New York City school budget cuts, parents are now picking up the tab for much needed supplies.

I'm including the latest photo of my healing second degree burns not to shock (nor disgust) you but to serve as a warning to all you moms out there:  beware of citric acid!  We went on holiday last week to Mexico.  We were all having a fabulous time and being very fair, I was very vigilant about sunscreen.  I'm a redhead and my daughter is blonde so as a rule, we wear SPF 50 and higher on a daily basis in the summer....but no one warned me about the limes.  I was prepared for the water, heck I was looking forward to losing another three to four pounds but the limes are another story indeed.

Lately, Lily has been somewhat rude to me.  She is definitely a bossy gal...wonder who she gets that from?!  Not me!  No.  Not possible. 

What ever happened to that sweet little baby who used to worship the ground I walk on?  Honestly, I don't need to be worshipped but at least regarded as a fellow human being deserving some basic rights like: not walking in on me when I'm on the toilet with her friends in tow; talking over me when I'm saying something loving like, "I'm so proud of you,"; sighing a great deal when I'm speaking and/or not finding what I say interesting anymore. 

I guess it's over......and she's only 5.  I thought the tween years start at 10 or 11 not 5.  Help!  Has this happened to you?!

"When we were kids we couldn't afford vacations but my mother's Jewish so we went on guilt trips instead...they last so much longer too."
 -- SherryDavey

Two weeks ago I did a gig at a beach club on Fire Island.  It didn't pay that well in dollars but what it did pay well in was free hotel rooms....a currency I'm all for.  So, we left Lily on the main land with our in-laws and headed off with some friends for a night of laughing, dancing and recharging (left to right:  moi; Dan; and fellow comedian Vicky Kuperman). 

Above right was our view on the ferry over to Fire Island.  We kicked back with some diet cokes (we're all on Weight Watchers so we chose to save our points for something much more satisfying than beer....chocolate) and just stared off into the distance for a dose of late day vitamin D.  With the economy and our savings accounts all being in the state they're in, this was the perfect alternative to the stay-cation.  Getting away with friends or just that one special friend (let's hope it's your husband or wife) even for one night is just what the doctor ordered for parents.  Believe it or not, the kids could probably use a break from us too.

Where have you been this summer?  Got any stories of the perfect staycation or daycations to share? 

Lily is only 5 years old but OMG! she's officially become a drama queen...lately, I think drag queens are easier going.  I asked her to put her shoes in the shoe bin last night, something she's been doing for years.  I don't like shoes in the house because it's like bringing the street in your home...and we live in Brooklyn one can only imagine what goes on in that street.  All she had to do was reach over 3 feet and put them in the bin but instead she had her nineteenth nervous breakdown.

"You're ruining my life!"  She said as she through herself on the floor in a tearful fit.  Then she threw the shoes across the room.  I know....it was really funny, so over the top.  Give her a feather boa already.

"Sweetie, all I ask is that you put your shoes in the bin so you don't trip on them and break your neck.  This is not ruining your life....I have yet to begin to ruin your life," was my response.

Is this kind of dramatic behavior common for 5 year olds?  I hate it when friends say, "It's a girl thing."  My nephew is a drama king as well so obviously that logic doesn't apply.

We went to a great swimming pool/sprinkler/waterslide park in the burbs over the weekend. They had something there to keep children ages 6 months to 16 years happy. It was wonderful except for the kiddie/baby pool. I'm really not a fan of these. Now this little pool, no deeper than 12 inches, did have a fully functioning filtration system but the pool itself was loaded with babies in sagging swimmies. The water temperature was 88 degrees too as we've been experiencing record temps here in the northeast....great breeding conditions for e coli. It was disgusting. I think we're all just better off taking the babies in the big kids pool for short amounts of time.

It wouldn't be summer in Brooklyn, or any other borough in New York City, without another sleazy street festival.  My favorites are the fatty, food-inspector-free sausage and peppers and safety-inspection-free rides.  I always look forward to seeing the callow, greasy, disinterested, often too-busy-texting teenagers they have operating the rides as well.  It's enough to make me pop a Zantac...and a Zoloft for that matter.  (Check out the sign for the slide it reads F Slid.  I rest my case.)  The best part is that they're usually run by church dioceses as well!  I guess they say a few prayers ahead of time and hope that will cover them.  I happen to be one of lesser faith....I believe in insurance.

Here are some pics from the one we just had in our neighborhood.  Thank god it's over.

I took Lily to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in Manhattan last week.  She's only five but we managed to actually look at paintings for almost one hour!  I spent several days really prepping her with books and online photos of famous impressionist works.  She was really thrilled to be able to point out the Van Goghs and a few other Impressionist works.

However, nothing topped her delight (not including the orange popsicle purchased from a street vendor afterwards) like the Jeff Koons rooftop installation work entitled Balloon Dog.  A great twist on an old favorite.  It's like being at a birthday party except I didn't have to buy anyone a present.

I think we can all agree that nothing builds a summer home for a therapist faster than favoring one child over another......

We have a family friend (let's call her Sara for now) whom we've known for years.  Our parents are friends therefore we see them at holidays and so forth.  She's definitely not a member of my Brooklyn Momtourage.  Let me make that very clear.  Last year, much to our dismay, she, her petulant husband and her two children moved three miles from us in Brooklyn. 

Sara most definitely favors her younger child and caters to that child to the detriment of all others and most importantly the older sibling.  It borders on co-dependency.  It so happens the catered-to child is a male.....who is much like her husband whom she caters to on an outrageous level as well....in fact it's Lifetime Movie Of The Week, forget-the-women's-liberation-movement, can-I-cut-your-meat-for-you??, I'm-not-really-hurt-it's-just-a-little-blood catering status.  The older, much ignored sibling is a sweet, considerate, little girl. 

This has been a topic of discussion for years because we spend every Hanukah/Christmas with them and god forbid the older child receives one gift more than the younger, the younger will throw a fit and the older child will have to give the gift back to Sara who then gives it to charity.  Sara merely has to say to her daughter, "Hand it over you're upsetting your brother," and the girl relinquishes the gift....always to the shock and amazement of everyone.  We all chime in with our annual, "What?!  Are you kidding me?"  But she ignores us.  And when her son throws these fits I don't know who I want to smack more him or her. 

OMG!  I just had to share this photo with you.  I took Lily and her friend to the New York Hall Of Science the other day.  They have a great discovery playground with a huge spider's web for climbing.  From a distance, it looks like I dragged a net through the water and caught some children.  Crazy right?  It didn't occur to me till I looked at it on the computer.  Love it. 

Try to find Lily in the net.

Hollywood more excited about bumps than boobs these days. 

I'm not that old at all, but being in show business myself, I do remember the days when having a baby meant the end of a starlet's career.  However, today is a much different story: between the all too excited rumors of Jennifer Garner possibly expecting again; the craziness over J-Lo's twins; and the reported $12 million paid for the first pics of Brangelina's summer blockbusters; I think it's safe to say that Hollywood is gaga for the goo goo set.

One of the many great things about NYC is our free summer concert series.  Let me stress once again - FREE.  In this economy anything helps.  Larry and I try to attend at least one a summer.  We pack a salad dinner, snacks, drinks, bathe Lily ahead of time and we all trek off to see (or rather hear) whoever is playing. 

I wear sunscreen all year long on my face and in the summer I wear SPF 50 every day just to be on the safe side.  Believe me, my friend puts sunscreen on her son he's just got the benefit of Melanin in his system.  He's the ultimate Coppertone Baby.  He even makes Lily look pale and I thought she had a nice color.  Check out his tan line.....left photo.  I love kids with tan lines and opposing white cheeks.  That is just the cutest.  Brian is definitely a handsome little munchkin.

Here's our friend Lora looking very pregnant at my friend Gen's barbeque on Sunday.  The barbeque rocked, the kids were in the pool for about four hours.  Gen & Lora are part of my Brooklyn Momtourage.  Lora was scheduled for a C Section this Friday (7/25).  However, she was experiencing some pre-labor pains at the table that were intense.  With her first child, she went 5 weeks early so she hadn't experienced the 'final week' before.  I have.  All I could think was 'you're at the end kiddo'.  We were all thinking that......it doesn't take a genius.

Well, we were right!  (We should start charging.)  Lora delivered a healthy, 5lb 11 oz, baby girl yesterday - Gianna Grace.   We're all so happy for her and her husband.  It's so exciting, can't wait to meet the newest member of our tot-tourage.  Welcome to the world Gianna Grace!!

Okay, so it's been a while since we traversed to Central Park for a zoo visit.  We just did the Bronx Zoo but why not subject ourselves to more torture seeing as we're WCS members it's free right?!  Wrong.  What you don't pay cash for you pay in blood (literally, Lily fell down some steps), sweat and tears.  Free don't come cheap baby.

Why not go to the Central Park Zoo when it's 95 degrees out??!!....forget the humidity.  The millions of tourists were a blast too.  There's nothing like being surrounded by a swarm of confuzzled looking, non-English speaking, panic stricken people loaded down with bags from "The M&M Shop Times Square" who back up right in front of you while trying to get 20 of their friends and family in one single photo completely crushing your toes at the same time.  And yet, even after they tap dance on my twinkies they still manage to get me to take the photo for them - and with them in it this time of course. 

It's Official:  Lily hates me.  And to think, less than two hours ago I was the best mama in the world....because I put whipped cream on her popsicle.  How fickle is her love!  Just because I had the temerity to ask her to put away her shoes....excuse me, not even put them away, just pop them in the shoe basket less than 5 feet from where she was sitting.  What a shrew!  What a cow I am.  Mean mommy is back.

No matter how much I joke though, actually hearing your darling child spew venom like "I hate you" stings just a little bit.  I try to be all logical and respond with, "It's okay that you hate me for the moment.  I still love you.  Now put your shoes in the basket or no Little Einstein's today."  When inside I'm like, "Screw you kid!  Do you know what I went through to have you?  You were 9 and a half pounds.  That translates to 14 stitches.  My vagina was pretty much rerouted because of you.  Now when I sneeze I pee myself.  Thanks kid.  Take your crocs and blah blah......(various unmentionables)." 

But it's all okay.  She is definitely just asserting her 5 year old, alpha female independence. If I'm feeling particularly needy all I have to do is send a few Oreos her way and I'm back in....but mean mommy is no sucker.  Share your "I hate you mommy" stories with us please....I guarantee you'll feel much better.

I was up in Maine last week with my show MAMA'S NIGHT OUT (click on the link for a great performance clip). We were invited back to Deer Trees Theatre in Harrison for another sold out show, in fact they had to add 30 seats to accomodate the overflow....I'm bragging I know but I'm so proud of the ultimate momtourage - Mama's Night Out.  I'm really proud of our group and I couldn't be happier to be working with fellow funny moms and great friends Karen Morgan and Nancy Witter.

We have a blast when we're on the road.  First of all, it's usually only for 24 hours so we have to pack in days of partying (get the vodka) into one night.  We stay up late ranting, raving and laughing about the economony, politics, our neighbor's horrible children...till the wee hours of the morning.  I still love chatting with my single friends in the city but there's nothing like relating to fellow moms about motherhood, husbands, balancing career and family.....that's why we all need our own momtourages.  I couldn't be happier with mine.  What's yours like?

I used to be able to live frugally but nicely on about $150-200 a week.  It went on food and gas but I still had money left over for the little things like an ice cream at the park, a slice of pizza for Lily (I'm on Weight Watchers remember?), an impulse outfit buy for Lily or a quick trip to the dollar store for some lead laden pool toys.  But now, that $150-200 is just flying out of my pocket! 

I spent $48 filling up my gas tank the other day and that's for a small, economical car.  (I can't imagine what all those fools who drive SUV's were ever thinking.)  My car may be old but it still gets around 32-33 miles per gallon so I'm going to drive it till the wheels fall off.  Then, I went to the grocery store to quickly get some milk, bread, and other staples and I spent another $47 bucks!  Now, I've got just $5 cash till I break down and go to the cash machine.....something I hate doing.

All our friends are feeling the pinch too so we're having our very first 'pot luck' barbecue with our neighborhood momtourage in Brooklyn this Friday.  Everyone brings one dish so the responsiblity of feeding everyone doesn't fall on one family.  And, we each bring a cocktail pitcher or bottle of wine.  It's a cheap night out and it's going to be a blast 'cause there's nothing more fun than hanging with good friends and enjoying good food.....the laughter of all the kids playing in the background is a big help too.

What are you doing to lighten your budget?  Any tips on saving money?

It's summer and schools out!  Time for the annual flood of friends and family from all over the world to visit NYC....and stay with us.  People in our family jokingly refer to our home as the Brooklyn B&B....only we serve dinner and lunch too thank you very much. 

It's only July 9th and we've already had 2 sets of visitors.  Last week, we had the more enjoyable visitor - our friend's eleven year old son Jonathon.  Lily just adores him and they had a fabulous time together.  We did: the beach several times; the Bronx Zoo;  Statue of Liberty (Statued of Liverty as Lily calls it); Chinatown; Little Italy; parks; and the grand finale....the latest Disney Pixar release Wall-E.  Thank god my husband stepped in and let me sit that one out.  I'm fried on children's television and films.  I don't care how cute the trailor is there's not enough alcohol in the world to get me through another kids summer blockbuster release.

P.S. - I bribed Lily with candy to look directly at the camera for this shot!

Just when you think you've got the perfect shot of your child it happens.  You check in 'review' and see that your little darling's eyes were focused somewhere other than the camera.  Darn it!  Thank god for digital cameras.

This is a regular occurrence around here.  The only time Lily ever looks directly at the camera is if it's a professional photo session or by accident or if I'm waving chocolate.  Here's a shot of Lily emerging from a fake log at the Bronx Zoo....and looking somewhere else.  Yes, thanks to global warming the even logs are fake now.

Hey there ladies.  I have great news.  As of this week I lost 20 pounds on Weight Watchers!!!  I'm so pleased.  It's been tough but now I'm eating healthier most importantly eating less and I work out 3-4 times a week.  My cholesterol also went down to 180 so I'm really thrilled.

Today is July 4th one of my two favorite holidays....the other is Thanksgiving because for me it's all about getting together with family and friends and sharing a great meal.  However, today I'm really going to be mindful about what I eat as I tend to overload myself at barbecues with pasta and potato salads (and chips and booze).  This year, it's my turn to host and I'm only preparing healthy salads, no pasta or starchy ones, and lots of lean meat.  I've asked my guests to only bring fruit salads and fresh fruit dishes for desserts.  It's going to be a delicious day.  Freedom from fat is one of the best freedoms of all.

We read to Lily every day and always before bedtime but now that school is out for the summer, we are really rev-ing up the reading and with gas being almost $4.50 a gallon I see a lot of books in our future.  At the moment, my favorite children's author is Mo Willems partly because he's a fellow Brooklynite and partly because his books are just positively hilarious.  He's penned a series of stories about a true George Costanza inspired, urban pest:  the pigeon that are just drop dead, laugh out loud funny and as a comedian I really appreciate that.    "Don't Let The Pigeon Drive The Bus" and "The Pigeon Has Feelings, Too!" are just a few of the titles that we love in this house.

Children's books can be almost as monotonous as children's television so we always appreciate ones that we can all laugh at.  Do you have any recommendations?  Any titles you want to share?  They don't have to be funny.

Just want to give you the heads up that the family centric comedy show Mama's Night Out will be returning to Maine for a special, one night only performance on Thursday, July 10th, at Deer Trees Theatre in Harrison, Maine.  Mama's Night Out is my comedy momtourage or com-tourage starring Karen Morgan, Nancy Witter and moi. 

We all met and became great friends while filming the first season of Nick At Nite's SEARCH FOR THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA.  After that taping wrapped, we put together our own show and we've been touring to sold out crowds across the country. 

Mama's Night Out is comedy by mothers for everyone.  Hope to see you there.

Lily graduated from Kindergarten on Tuesday.  It was a lovely ceremony.  They sang songs that all contained a graduation theme or the lyrics were altered to suit the occassion like instead of the Marine Corp march, "I don't know, but I've been told...."  they sang "Kindergarten is all done first grade here we come".  It was just precious.   I found myself weeping often during the ceremony, I was quiet about it I didn't make a scene, but I was quite emotional....so were other mothers too.

It's sad to think Lily's baby days are really just a memory now.  She looked so grown up on that stage until she started picking her nose.  She brought the house down when they handed her her certificate of completion.  She turned to the audience and did a deep bow and waved to the crowd like she was on American Idol, it was very 'vote for me'.....and she's never even seen that show.  It's easy to see Lily comes from a show biz family.

I went to a baby shower this weekend.  I was a little disgusted and surprised when I received the invitation as the mother-to-be is not a first time mom and her first child is only 4.  It was weird.  I had the strangest sense of deja vu as I can even remember what I gave her for her first shower.  This is her second child but she's expecting a girl this time so her family felt compelled to have yet another one for her.  They were kind of aware they were pushing the limits of taste too as they called it a Baby Sprinkle.  They just should have called it what it was, "Another Opportunity For Someone Else To Spend Money On My Children" or  "Oh you're pregnant again, here take my wallet."

This is up there with the people who get divorced and married again but have the nerve to invite their friends to another bridal shower.  I'm like, "Just use the gift I gave you for your first marriage...if you didn't already break it over his head."  Actually, I stand corrected.  Maybe a second bridal shower is appropriate after divorce as he may have taken half her stuff. 

Any rate, back to the second baby shower.  Have you ever heard of such a thing?!  Is this just a New York thing?  People in this state spend $30k on confirmation parties so I guess the new trend of having more than one baby shower per mom per child is not such a stretch.  7 of the 7 women at my table were all surprised too.  In fact, when my friend Carol (also a friend of the mother-to-be) asked the sister-in-law why she was having yet another shower the woman became all defensive and said, "It's the new thing.  Haven't you heard?" 

Have you heard?  Am I behind on this?  What do you think?  I'm a little peeved.  The mom-to-be-again was also very shocked by the shower (and slightly embarrassed), she said to us on the Q.T., "I'm grateful and it's lovely to see everyone again but this isn't my first."

Any one who knows me knows that I'm for girls having all the same opportunities as boys.  I'm a comedian for gods sake!  Try breaking through the glass ceiling of that boys club.  I'm definitely for the whole, "You go girl" movement.  I loved the Spice Girls.  I always try to set a good example for my daughter and my niece too by demonstrating that women can do anything that men can do...albeit the physically obvious like peeing standing up (unless they're drag queens).

We went to our friend's son's wrestling tournament the other day.  Much to my surprise and delight girls were participating in every weight class of the match.  However, they didn't have a separate girls league yet because there isn't enough interest.  (Give it time I say, whenever we heard there was a girls league in any sport of any kind when we were growing up we participated and our father encouraged us to.) 

Seeing girls wrestle with boys was just wrong.  It looked like an attack or like we were interrupting something....... 

The only thing better than a summer home is a friend with a summer home.  This is the place our little Brooklyn family hopes to be visiting every weekend this summer.  Yes, we have a pool in our backyard but nothing beats the heat of a summer in the city like a weekend in the country.

Long Island Railroad here we come.

Do you have any plans to get away this summer?

The next time your child needs disciplining forget time outs, the naughty chair, loss of privelages and spanking.  How about taking them on a trip to the cemetary to visit Santa??!! 

I don't know where my friend gets these photos.  She's a mother of 5 girls ranging in ages from 2 to 19.  I imagine when one has that many children that psychological torture is something one would rely on from time to time.

I was extremely proud of Lily this weekend....I'm proud of her everyday but this past Sunday she demonstrated a level of confidence and self assurance that I simply did not possess at age 5.  I grew up in the 70s.  Our parents were and still are completely different than the parents of today.  Let's just say our parents could have used a little sensitivity training.  My mother definitely missed that boat. 

I know my mother loved and still loves me but she has difficulty showing it and saying it.  I'm totally fine with it believe me, I got over it a long, long time ago.  She thinks she's being helpful when she puts us down.  She definitely made me into the comic that I am today.  She actually believes her constant comments about my weight (for almost 10 years) will inspire me to lose it.  Comments like: "Maybe you should just use a shovel."; "You shop at Dress Barn because you're as big as cow."  And like a true comic she doesn't work without an audience, these comments are always in front of groups of people, family, in public places etc.....  However, her comments did not inspire me to join Weight Watchers and lose 20 pounds.  That I did all on my own recently.  A few positive words from her once in a while would be more helpful but that's not going to happen.  Unfortunately, she can't even do that for herself forget others.

We've got another lice outbreak in our school in the Kindergarten wing.  Just thinking about it makes me itch.  I'm trying to keep our 5 year old lice free this school year so we're doing the whole 'up do', hair gel, mousse, hair spray thing.  We've also been advised to not wash her hair as often because the dirtier the scalp and hair the less the lice are able to adhere....for lack of a better term.  Does that really work?  Any suggestions?  Any home rememdies you know of that somehow keep these pesky varmints away??  HELP!!  Please share.

Every day we hear crazy stories on the web.  Today apparently, the trend continues.  This one comes from BBC News.  A 30 year old woman gave birth during a friend's batchlorette party in the UK.....the kicker.....she didn't know she was pregnant.  Ally Ashwell, from Newcastle, was touring the seaside town's pubs and clubs in a bumble-bee outfit when she began to feel unwell. She returned to her hotel room, where the shocked 30-year-old found herself delivering her own baby. 

I hope she left a nice tip for the chamber maid.  How selfish taking the attention away from the bride like that.  What a Bridesmaidzilla.  I bet she's out of the wedding party. 

The fragile 2lb boy - named Owen - is being cared for in the intensive care unit of Blackpool Victoria Hospital.  He's doing well.

How the heck can this happen in this day and age?!  This wasn't an underage girl from a third world country this was a hard drinking, hard partying girl from England in a bee costume!  Maybe that was the problem, maybe she's been partying a little too much.  It's a bear in a bee costume!  That's an inside joke for my girls or momtourage - Mama's Night Out. 

I feel like I'm the only woman left in NYC that hasn't seen SEX IN THE CITY  the movie.  It's opening weekend box office topped $55million according to MSN films, a number that way surpasses the population of all five boroughs.  I'm waiting to see it with my Mama's Night Out momtourage 'cause that's how you're supposed to see this movie...with your girlfriends.  The only problem is, I won't be seeing them till July so until then I'm going to be sexless in the city till then. 

Did you see the movie?  Did you see it with your girlfriends or should we be making whipping sounds followed by meowing cat noises for your husband?  How was it?  Please let me know but don't give away the ending. 

Hey there friends.  Just want to let you know that I'll be in Baltimore this weekend for a taping of the debut of the hot new, theatrical comedy experience:  Divercity:  3 Women, 3 Worlds, 1 Stage.  This is the first theatrical comedy that brings together women of different colors and ethnicities on the same stage.  The ladies of this show are my new Momtourage. 

"Sara Contreras , Meshelle and Sherry Davey (moi) bring to life America's true DIVERCITY.  Politics & Stereotypes all hang in the balance, as this Theatrical Comedy Experience launches with its sights set on celebrating what AMERICA hopes to be on its BEST BEHAVIOR.  With Sara's Latina energy, passion, and wit , Meshelle's undeniable African-American consciousness and charm, and Sherry's British-Jewish-ness with the heart of a Brooklyn-ite, you'll get a full course of music,stand-up, and improvisation served with a dose of red/white/blue boldness that is DIVERCITY!"  If we can laugh together we can live together.

We sat through our first very-over-the-top skating recital for Lily this past Sunday.  By over-the-top I mean 4 year old girls in full make up with their hair professionally quaffed in skimpy little outfits.  Some of the parents even hired professional photographers to capture that special moment on the ice for posterity.  What are these people going to do for these kids' weddings?? 

Anyway, I was so proud of Lily.  At five, she's the youngest in her class but had all the moves down just like the older girls.  However, when it came to show time she froze and just stood there picking her nose...literally.  For 90 seconds of the routine, basically the whole thing, that's all she did.  Oh well.  She's 5 for goodness sake.

OMG!  I was watching CNN this morning and they were going on about the dangers of bunk beds.  Give me a break already!  Enough with the scare tactics and the crappy reporting and looking for stories where there are none.  If you are stupid enough to not properly install a bunk bed and then your child gets hurt then you should put your helmet back on, hop on the short bus and go very very far away.  And if your child hits their head on the bottom of the top bunk believe it or not, he/she will survive.  The fun they have with bunk beds far outweighs the dangers.  I'm surprised that bunk beds don't come with built-in safety straps for our litigious, neurotic society.

Bunk beds are dangerous if they're not installed properly?!  No sh**!  Tell me something I don't know.  So are training wheels and baby gates and other child safety devices.  Beware the dangers of the high chair!  Take a pill please.  I'm surprised the media didn't link bunk beds to terrorism:  Al Qaeda is lurking on the top bunk! 

When we were growing up my parents never had enough time nor money to spoil us.  They were so busy just making ends meet that if we didn't like what was on our plate for dinner there were no 'other options' (like "...don't worry, I went to Costco I've got extra grilled chicken in the fridge..."), if we cried because we didn't want to go to bed we got spanked.  There was no negotiating with those two.  But when it comes to their grandchildren, my parents completely indulge them....as it should be.  Consider the photo to your right exhibit A. 

Lily asked for an ice cream yesterday and my mother spent 10 extra minutes cutting up enough strawberries and Hershey's kisses to make a 'Rooster' cone for her.  This is coming from the same woman who said phrases to us like, "I'll knock you into next week."  Go figure.

Do your parents spoil your children? Tell us how.

I love a parade.  I know it sounds hoaky but I don't care.  I especially love small town parades.  I love all the fan fare associated with the local rotary club, the local Kiwanis organization, the blue haired old ladies marching for the local 'historical society' (I particularly love their historically accurate costumes combined with their Easy Spirit flats), the drum majorettes, the firemen, and most importantly, the Veterans of Foreign Wars who are finally getting the respect they deserve.  This past Memorial Day weekend was perfect weatherwise.  In fact, it's the first Memorial Day in five years (I know, I've been keeping track) since Lily was born that it wasn't raining or bloody freezing so we made sure to attend several parades and they did not disappoint.  Here are some pics:

Between Brittney, Lindsay and Miley, I think it's quite clear that children and show business are a toxic (in some cases lethal) combination.  Brittney and Lindsay are now adults and quite dysfunctional too thank you very much.  During the time Brittney was bald and beating up paparazzi with umbrellas all I could think was, "Where is this poor girls mother?"  

Birttney and Lindsay have been working full time since they were children and with their parents acting as their managers and I'm sure drawing a salary from their children's earnings based on that title.  If that's not a conflict of interest I don't know what is.  Some may argue that we don't know the details of their 'financial relationships' but I think we can easily see that Dinah Lohan now has her own reality show based on the fact that her child is a talented star.....not her.  If she wasn't the mother of Lindsay I think it's safe to say she'd make a fabulous nail technician and town gossip back on Long Island.

Would you put your children in show business?

• Yes, the millions they earn as children could pay for all their therapy as adults
• No
• Not sure

I don't think so but so many parents of Lily's male classmates seem to differ.  I think both sexes pose their own difficulties at different ages.  I have witnessed boys in the playground after school fighting more often and more seriously than the girls (literally pummeling each other) but I've also known girls who can hold a grudge for months over the slightest infraction (MY NIECE) or parents of teenage girls worrying about the very real threat of teen pregnancy (my neighbors).  Our niece, Emma, didn't talk to another girl in her class for 6 months because the little girl farted next to her.  Emma claimed she did it deliberately.  Can you imagine?!   

In your experience...

• Boys are harder to raise than girls
• Girls are harder to raise than boys
• Both sexes present their own unique problems at different ages

For years I've been telling Lily not to write on the walls only to have our contractor, Bob the Builder, do the opposite.  I tried explaining this one but she wasn't buying it.  She told him he was naughty and that if he did it again he'd get a time out or that she'd take away his favorite video.  You go girl.

In an effort to sell our triplex in Brooklyn, we're currently updating the walls and electrical fixtures.  We're into our second week of construction already, it's Tuesday morning 9:07am - none of the workmen are here yet and I'm ready to rip my eyes out.  And yes, my contractor is named Bob.  Every time he walks in the door I find myself humming that theme song.

Here are some pix of how it looks at the moment (I keep telling myself it's going to be fabulous when it's all finished):

Isn't this the cutest?  Seeing this piglet nuzzled so peacefully against his mama in sweet slumber almost makes me forget how much I love bacon. 

This mama piggie had 8 piglets in her litter!  Unlike any of those crazy, kid-filled families on the Discovery Channel though no one is offering her her own show.....at least that we know of.  But who knows?  With the trend being tasteless, trashy peeps on all those reality shows (Flavor Of Love, Real Housewives of New York City, etc.) these pigs might be the cleanest thing out there.

Yes, no, maybe, sometimes but not always. Put it this way, my 'balancing act' is constantly shifting to accomodate daily life.  I gotta tell ya, as a working mother, I'm so sick and tired of people constantly telling me how easy it is to balance career and family.  Personally, I have found that the key to having a career and family is constant negotiation and adjusting one's goals to reality (and a great babysitter).  I call it, living a life of lowered expectations.  I'm sure someone is going to read this and say, you're wrong, it's easy and that they've got it all down.  Good.  Good for them.  Recently, I read an article on AOL that offered the latest input on the four (overly simplified) simple steps to balancing career and family.   Here they are: 

1. Incorporate telecommuting into your workday.

Many companies allow their employees to work from home one or more days per week, which is an easy way for you to spend more time in the morning and afternoon with your children rather than in standstill traffic. Check with your human resources department and employee manual to see if telecommuting is an option. Of course, to telecommute you should be self-disciplined and able to get your work done even though the boss isn't leaning over your shoulder.

-- Have these people actually tried working at home??  It ain't easy.  I'm a professional writer and I do most of my writing in the wee hours of the night when everyone's asleep.  (There goes my sleep and my sex life - good thing I don't work in an office or I'd be exhausted, frustrated and snapping at everyone all day.)  Have you ever tried talking on the phone when your kids are around?  If you think that's hard try creating a presentation with them in the next room.  Good luck with all of that.

OMG!  This is by far the worst news story I've heard this morning.  Forget the collapse of the housing market and Hillary's delegate count......a 3 year old hasn't slept since birth.  Kill me already.  And I complain because Lily hasn't napped since she was 18 months old?  I'm starting to feel guilty.  God help those parents.  I recommend Benadryl.  Benadryl is like Cialis for parents.  Millions of kids in this country think they have allergies.  No way baby.  Your parents just need you to sleep.  (Turns out this child actually has a neurological problem, see the link above.)

Does your kid sleep?  Did you have a baby that just didn't need sleep?  Go ahead brag if you must.  I love hearing about children who actually sleep.

Mother's Day is fast approaching and this year, I'm begging my husband for the ultimate gift and it doesn't cost a thing:  time.  Time with my family.  Not even time alone.  I just want him to pack a picnic lunch and go to the park with our daughter and play and have fun.  I say this not to be melodramatic nor because I'm trying to be one of those self sacrificing, "super moms".  I say this because I've just given up on getting any really decent gifts for Mother's Day.  Let's just say that over the five short years I've been a mom, I've received some of the most horrible gifts on Mother's Day.  See below:

My father actually thought this was a cute idea.  Because I like gardening so much why wouldn't I appreciate a garden gnome that flashes my neighbors??  The kids think it's a riot.  Over the years they've written various things on the tush like:  blow me; suck it; go ahead I'm easy.  Delightful.  Just what I want in my front garden.  We live in the city garden gnomes just don't work here.  Finally, over the winter break this year, somebody smashed it.  Aaawww.  What a shame.  Not. 

That's right, I love my friends but they're expensive.  We just attended our third confirmation party this year and it's only May.  We love the parties, we love being included in the guest list, we love seeing our friends and better yet partying with them but for the love of god, I hope they don't have any more children.

I don't know where you live but here in NY (and NJ) for that matter, family celebrations are huge, expensive events.  I have a friend in Kansas City whose daughter's confirmation barbecue was held in their back yard and attended by only 20 people - and that was enough.  Here, confirmations, communions, sweet sixteens all rival weddings.  Between ordering invitations, planning the menu, buying the dress, I look at these parties as Weddings 101 for parents because they seem to be practising for the big day.

Celebrate Mother's Day Weekend with MAMA'S NIGHT OUT. 

Just wanted to let you know that the hilarious comedy show (if I do say so myself) MAMA'S NIGHT OUT is coming to the Avalon Theatre, Easton, MD this Friday for a special Mother's Day weekend show.  See here for more details. 

MAMA'S NIGHT OUT is comedy by mothers for everyone.

Yeah he looks like he really has the situation under control.  This is what happens when dads bring their kids to the park - bedlam.  Who says dads are stricter than moms?

Now you know children are just like monkeys right?:  climbing; swinging in trees; recking your home.  Here's a photo of Lily and her buddies doing what they do best: monkeying around in our tree.

Watch out Jonas Brothers here come the Brooklyn Baboons.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back on the internet another wacky news story is spreading like a virus.  It's manic Monday my dear readers.  This one takes the cake:  A Maine woman was taken to a hospital rather than a jail cell after she began going into labor in the back seat of a police car following her arrest on a domestic violence charge this past weekend.

Police said the 23-year-old gave birth after being arrested earlier in the evening for allegedly assaulting her husband in a fight while driving.  Road rage is taking on a whole new meaning.  I'm shocked - she's married at 23!  Poor thing.

Officer Doug Maifeld told the Sun Journal of Lewiston that the woman, who was eight months pregnant, began going into contractions in the back of the police car. He said an ambulance met them at the police station and took the woman to the hospital.  Police said the mother and baby were then taken to Maine Medical Center in Portland, where they were reported to be fine. 

Perhaps all that exertion brought on labor.  I remember taking walks around the hospital to bring on labor I just should have beaten up my husband....lord knows I was in enough pain too.  Did I miss something?  Is beating up other people the new lamaze?  Breathe and beat ladies.  Do you think she'll blame this on raging hormones? 

Did you beat your husband when you were pregnant?  Did you come close?

Hey there Funny Mom fans, if you want some really good belly laughs this weekend come out to see MAMA'S NIGHT OUT on Saturday, May 3rd, at 8:00PM at the Carlisle Theatre in Harrisburg, PA.  Get an early start to your Mother's Day celebration this year.  

MAMA'S NIGHT OUT is comedy by mothers for everyone so bring your husbands they'll enjoy it too.  MNIO is family friendly comedy but please leave the kids at home!

I just heard the news that J Lo and hubby Mark Anthony are going to star in their own reality show on the Learning Channel about balancing family and career.  I am so fed up with the reality genre already.  What ever happened to a little fiction?  Not to say that reality shows aren't completely produced and fake but enough airing of the boring minutia of the lives of celebrities, their ugly, spoiled families and showing them after they've had unneccessary plastic surgery and calling it entertainment already.  

And J Lo just had her babies like a few weeks ago and suddenly she's the authority on balancing career and family?!  Oh yeah, it's so hard to maintain that balance when you have millions of dollars.  Try balancing my entertainment career with my family!  There's no full time nanny in my house to pick up the kids after school, clean the house, no personal assistant to run my errands or drive me to the airport.  Give me a break.  I'm on the ledge people and I'm gonna jump already.  Sounds like the Learning Channel got desperate in their grab for ratings and lowered themselves for another celeb style reality show. 

PS - I did a season on a reality show and I can say with the utmost conviction that they're completely produced.

My husband and I are friends with another married couple who also have a 5 year old - Samuel. They're really good friends and we always look forward to get togethers. Our husbands get along, our kids do, we do too. We take holidays together on the Cape every summer. Sounds perfect right? It was.....(dramatic music - dum, dum, dum)....till their son started hitting our daughter.

This started about 6 months ago. Admittedly, boys play very differently than girls. From what I've observed in the playground and from my own nephew experiences: boys think nothing of hitting; they actually seem to enjoy it; nor do they appear to hold grudges when they've been hit; they're just a different species. Girls are a very different matter altogether. They rarely hit and god forbid they do get hit they will remind you of the 'incident' for years to come: the time it happened; the day; what they were wearing; what they were feeling at the moment, etc....you get the picture.

Custom cars, custom computers, why not custom kids?  The question is asked of almost every prospective parent: "Would you prefer a girl or a boy?"  Upon first pondering a parent's ability to select the sex of their children I must admit, my knee jerk reaction is NO.  I'm of the belief that this much fooling with nature will only result in an imbalance in the population like the one very present in China.  They have entire generations of men with no wives and no more children.   I realize the inherit conflict in saying this because I believe a woman's right to chose is her own private medical decision so logically it should follow the right to chose the sex of her children should be her decision as well. 

Medically speaking, I am aware that doctors often provide genetic counseling to couples who may be carriers of diseases that are more prevalent in certain sexes leaving the couple to decide.  That's appropriate. 

If I could choose the sex of our next child I have to say I'd have another girl only because I have such great clothes from Lily.  I also have some fabulous shoes for 'her' that I'd hate to waste and some great accessories too.  I even have a great name picked out:  Violet.  Then, I could have my little garden of children:  Lily; Violet.  Sounds like science fiction.  And we all know, little boys can be very gross.  I have nephews.  I've seen their disgusting little habits.  I'm kidding people.....or am I???

What do you think?  Should parents be allowed to pick the sex of their children?  Did you?

We babysat our 4 month old god son, Andrew, on Sunday.  It's only been a few years since Lily required constant carrying but wow have baby slings come a long way!  Now Lily was an enormous baby.  She weighed 9.5 pounds at birth (born naturally by the way - hey drugs are natural - 17 stitches later thank you very much) and was 13 pounds by the end of her first month.  I remember one of my aunts gave me a sling at my baby shower.  She kept saying, "I first saw this in Guatemala, all the women down there use them."  To which I replied, "Great, I'll remember that when I'm picking coffee beans in Brooklyn."

I always thought they looked a bit dodgy.  The one my aunt gave me didn't look particularly strong enough to hold my little butter ball.  It was like a sheet with a clip on it and the whole 'one clip' thing didn't thrill me safety wise.  And quite honestly, our über baby was so heavy I couldn't imagine the positioning of her weight being beneficial to my back.  I also wasn't thrilled with the fact that slings looked like a lot of work.  One minute it's a sheet with a clip the next it's a bandanna.  I was never good at making beds I still can't get my corners to look like sails so how could I possibly handle the sheet thing every day.  I'm sure there are millions of women who use them and the benefits they get from them are innumerable.  Good, good for them.  As we say in Brooklyn, "I'm just saying." 

We're faced with an educational dilemma here in Brooklyn. Lily, our five year old whose birthday is December 22nd, is having trouble keeping up in Kindergarten. Believe it or not, they're only 5, 6 at the most, and they're doing fractions this week! Lily, like most kids her age has trouble paying attention so fractions are really a joke to her and she's the youngest in her class so she has 'maturation issues' already. I even tried to make the fractions homework fun last night: if you have one booger and you cut it in two that makes two halves of a booger. You see maturation issues run in the family.

Now fractions to me, are first grade level work. Even Lily's teachers agree the standards of the state educational board that decides on curricula are not age appropriate. But make no mistake, many, many schools are pushing our children to learn earlier and earlier. New York State isn't alone in this. On a lighter note, I believe in a life of lowered expectations and standards. And that we should start disappointing our children now if we're really going to prepare them for the world.

I think these are the perfect solution for people who want to feel like they live in the city but remain in the country.  If you look closely enough you can see the still in the background.  I'll take the penthouse please.

OMG!  I went to our local Keyfood this morning just to pick up a few items, 5 in fact, and the total came to $29.73.  I was so shocked I made the Express Line cashier (who now really hates me) void out the order and do it again.  I hate that she chews her gum so loudly and then snarls into that awful microphone, "Manager to express register."  Much to my chagrin and disappointment, the total was the same - $29.73 for: cookies (one package); breakfast sausages; milk; scallions; and organic apple juice!  Holy crap people!  Now that I'm a mom, I find myself running to the store every day to pick up some item I've run out of.  Looks like I'll run out of money first.  I don't know about a full on recession but I think it's say to say that inflation is way on the rise. 

Have you noticed prices going up on everything as well?  I know we're getting hammered at the pump but what about everywhere else too?   Share your latest sticker shock with your fellow fleeced parents, misery loves company. 

How much do you spend on groceries for you and your family each week?

• Under $50
• Between $50 and $100
• More than $100

Sorry readers I couldn't help commenting on this photo I saw on AOL.com today.  My b.s. barometer has reached fever pitch and there's not enough Children's Tylenol in this house to break it.  I know what you're thinking.....this photo of Bush must be photo-shopped because we've never seen him expressing real emotion in the form of tears before for the victims of the war that he started in Iraq.  Finally.  But do you think he really cares about all our young soldiers dying over there?  Or for the Iraqi people?  The families (in both countries) that are being destroyed by this senseless war?  The fact that we've taken the most secular country in the Middle East and completely devastated their economy and their infrastructure?  And what about our own economy?  Our own infrastructure?  Our schools? 

The bridge in my neighborhood was just voted one of the 20 most heavily trafficked in the U.S. in need of immediate repair.  And it's over water!  There's no money to fix it either but there's money for a war.  And for those of you who say, that money comes from a different place I say it comes from the same place - the tax payers pocket.  Enough already.  Every great civilization falls:  ancient Rome did too fighting countless wars against supposed 'invaders'.  I wonder if they referred to the Gauls as the evil doers?  A man started this war I think it will take a woman to end it.....and you know who I'm talking about.  But I think it would be even more sweetly ironic if the man to assume office after Bush has the middle name Hussein.  Maybe there is a god after all.

I had lunch with a group of old college buddies today.  Some of us chose to raise our children in urban environments while other parents opted for the burbs.  Now I've always thought there are many benefits to both: urban centers are great for diversity, exposing children to culture, museums, smelly street freaks you know all that great stuff associated with cities; while there's nothing like good 'ole fresh air, green grass, climbing trees, competing with supposedly friendlier people over sh*t no one really needs nor can afford to develop a child's imagination and body.

In a nutshell, I'm saying there are benefits to both.  I've never been one of those people who says I'd choose the city over the country for my child or vice versa.  I'm generally not that black and white about anything.  It's just worked out this way for us career wise: both my husband and I work in NYC.  It's definitely not cheaper to live in the suburbs - let's just dispel that myth.  When all the costs are figured in like commuting and taxes even the New York Times says home ownership costs about the same in the suburbs as it does in New York City. 

We just tend to be city dwellers.  We see the benefits to living in Brooklyn on a daily basis but we love the ease of suburban living....at least it appears to be easier....the grass is always greener because heck we don't even have grass!  If we could just get a Dairy Barn in Brooklyn I swear all our problems would be over: to not have to get out of the car; or circle for hours looking for a parking spot; or wait while some mental patient tries to haggle over the price; just to get a quart of organic milk would be incredible.

One of Lily's classmates was sent to school today with one of her mother's many old Starbucks cups full of juice for lunch.  Now that's definitely an urban child.  I know which mother it was too.  I could just see the poor woman desperate to get her five (that's right I said five!) elementary school children ready for the day.  She probably forgot to turn the dishwasher on the night before and just said, "Oh the heck with it."  Washed out a few old cups she had rolling around the floor of her Cadillac Escallade (someone's got to tell these people that Brooklyn Heights is just an expression not a mountain range) and voila - Lily's friend had espresso apple juice to wash down her PBJ.  She may have started a new trend...espresso apple - for the kid who falls asleep after lunch.

Now despite the negative feedback from readers, I still give my five year old a sippy cup in her lunch bag because sports bottles leak like crazy.  It's not because I have issues with letting go this issue is I've had enough of irate Kindergarten paraprofessionals cornering me at pick up time complaining about sports cups leakage or as they like to call them 'drippy cups' in cubbies.  Generally, when other adults send me notes about 'leakage' it's usually in those naughty spam emails - you know what I'm talking about.  In fact, several terse notes have come home about leakage in the past two months. 

I've often wondered what people in the porn industry and soldiers for hire do for the annual Take Your Children To Work Day.  Apparently, a young woman in Greenville, S.C. brought her infant along to an armed robbery.  Just in time for the annual April event, criminals are getting in on the action.  I guess her sitter cancelled at the last minute.  Don't you hate it when that happens?  And with the rising cost of daycare I guess people really do have to rob a bank to afford it.  To quote one of my favorite bands when I was an undergrad, REM, it's the end of the world as we know it.

Investigators said that they initially thought that 20-year-old Sarah Titi Walker was the victim of a kidnapping that happened last week in connection with an armed robbery.  They said Walker went into the store with the baby, and moments later, a man came in and pulled a gun on the clerk.   He demanded money and after he got the cash, he pretended to kidnap Walker and the baby.  Investigators said they later learned that the armed man was Walker's boyfriend. [Can you say co-dependent?]  Sounds like a very toxic relationship.  Dr. Phil would have a field day with this one.  I could just see the rehearsals for this scam.  Deputies said the couple had set it all up so they could make a quick getaway after the robbery.

Lovely.  I don't even know where to begin with this one.  Fortunately, the baby (and no one else) was injured.  Happy Monday people.  Got any great news stories for us??  Do share.

We have a friend who's 5 year old son is autistic. We've been hearing different theories for years about the causes of autism in particular and most recently the MMR vaccine. Is there really a link between the two? The CDC says no. Many researchers say yes, but this has happened before. Look at the prescription drug Viox. That was the largest drug recall in U.S. history. A pill that was meant to reduce inflammation and swelling actually increased one's chances for heart attack or stroke twofold. Ooops.

I think more attention would be given to the subject of autism if somehow it could be linked to Viagra. 'Cause god forbid that drug was recalled men would be rioting in the streets.....for their friends of course...."It's not for me aaaahhh my friend Joe has a problem."  Then you'd see some real action in the laboratory.

What do you think?  I'm curious to know.

I checked out the Miss Bimbo Virtual Fashion Game today after attending a luncheon for a very dignified female icon in the world of black and white print media: the still gorgeous and glamorous at 85 Liz Smith.  The luncheon was held at the Friars Club in New York City and there were many accomplished, educated, funny, non bimbos in attendance. 

All the ladies at our table were buzzing about the aforementioned site.  We were all pretty much in agreement that it puts the whore in horrendous.  Sadly, we are neither surprised nor shocked by it's existence.  We're female comedians for gods sake - we've been commenting on misogyny for years - and making a living at it. 

We're counting on Hillary to make a comment on the site.  The world needs to hear from the apotheosis of non bimbos on this one.  And I can't wait to hear what she has to say.  God knows this poor woman has had her fill of bimbos over the years.  I'm sure she was the first phone call Mrs. Spitzer made last week.  Forget all the nastiness and back biting associated with endless campaigning Hillary.  (She and Barack are now misspeaking and just plain saying things that aren't true because they're bloody exhausted already.  You can see the fatigue writ large their faces.)  And what's more, the American public seems to be growing weary of the campaign already.  Let's get back to the real issues: ending the war; educating our children; taking care of our economy; feeding the poor; raising non bimbos.  Come on now girlfriend.  We need you more than ever Hillary.

We took Lily and her five year old friend, Daniel, to see Horton Hears A Who? last Saturday.  They loved it.  My husband slept through it but I couldn't get comfortable enough to sleep.  It was actually quite good but I'm just so burned on kids entertainment that I was ready to drink the Kool-Aid after only 12 minutes.  Between the Teletubbies, Elmo In Grouchland and Chicken Run, I'm done.  Remember, I work from home so I've been tortured by this stuff for five long years.  Some of you out there are like, "But Carol Burnett's voice is featured in it!"  Yeah, yeah.  So what.

The best part of the film was when it was long over.  Daniel was eating dinner at our house and he announced to us, "Lily and I went to a movie, now we're having dinner together, is today kind of like a date for Lily and I?"

Priceless.

What kids' movie or TV show have you been tortured by recently?

Not only is she a goddess and a Goodwill Ambassador for the U.N. but Angelina Jolie's also a real mom.  This photo warms the cockles of my heart.  She might be on the raw diet along with all the rest of her Hollywood friends but when the chips are down and her kids get the munchies chips will do....and Cheetos for that matter...not even the baked kind.

I wonder how many bags of Cheetos Heather Mills can buy with $22 million.

What is it with Easter and colored eggs?  Is it a symbol of spring fertility?  The whole rebirth thing?  'Cause it's a bit of a stretch to tie in eggs, chocolate bunnies and jelly beans with the crucifixion.  Actually, it's even a bit insensitive.  Sounds more like a Hallmark invention.  I don't think there are any egg hunts in the bible.

Any rate, Easter and Halloween are Lily's favorite holidays.  She was so excited coloring eggs yesterday that I thought she might need a paxil to calm down.  It's my turn to do Easter dinner this year so we're having 10 adults and 4 kids over on Sunday.  So far the menu is: ham; carrots; turnips; roast beef; asparagus; salad; and mushroom risotto.....and of course cocktails.  'Cause a big ole' martini is the only way I'm going to get through another family get together.  Dysfunction Junction here we come!

Is it your turn to cook this year?  What are you making and how many are you making it for?

Between former Governor Elliot Spitzer and that senator playing footsie in a Minnesota airport, you gotta admit:  politicians take a lot of stupid sexual risks.  I think this has been the busiest week ever for political sexual antics.  Just when you thought it was safe to go back on the internet, there's yet another sexual confession by a New York Governor:  the new, blind (I said blind!) Governor Patterson admitted to having several affairs!  I didn't see that one coming.  Ha Ha.  Oh stop being so sensitive.  I'm a comic, I'm entitled.

Am I the only married person not having affairs?  Maybe if Lily was a better sleeper I'd enough energy for an affair but I just don't.  I don't even have enough time and energy for the gym forget a real Jim.  Even the blind are having affairs.  I'm starting to feel left out.

But the Strangest Sexual Political Confession This Week Award goes to former New Jersey Governor McGreevey:  his now ex wife says she participated in a threesome with him.  The third person was a male aide.....and she said she didn't know he was gay!  Give it a rest!  I guess politics does make strange bed fellows.  But yuck!  Why is this story in the news?!  Enough.  I'd much rather hear about our soldiers in Iraq.

The only sexually explicit story about a politician having an affair that I'd like to hear is:  that Hillary had one.  I think most people would be like 'good for her'.  Seriously, I hope I never see that headline. 

  My nephew just told me he doesn't like fish because it tastes too fishy.  Sounds about right.  I remember hating fish too when I was growing up and that was problematic because we lived on the coast so it graced our table at least twice a week.  I remember my mother griping, "You'll eat it because it's good for you not because you like it.".....as she blew second hand smoke from her Benson & Hedges all around the house.

As an adult, I love to eat fish and shell fish but not more than twice a month because of mercury.....despite the heart health advantages.  Lily eats salmon or as she likes to call it 'pink fish'.  I've been giving her farm raised salmon until I learned that farm raised fish are often higher in PCBs than wild salmon.  Now I'm not exactly sure what to do.  I've been told canned salmon is an option as canned fish are often wild.

The way I got her into eating fish was to involve her in the cooking process.  She actually likes cleaning fish.  Who knew?  What do you do?  Do you serve your children fish? 

When parents say they love homeschooling their children that's the Paxil talking....or maybe they're afraid Jesus might send down a lightning bolt or something.  Whenever I think of homeschooling I think of Andrea Yates....and look at how that ended.  Not Good with a capital N G. 

According to AOL News today:  "A California court ruling that challenges parents' legal right to teach their children at home is angering home schoolers, who hope the state's Supreme Court will overturn the decision. Otherwise, advocates say, thousands of families may be forced to abandon home schooling." 

Good.  I may be a stay at home mom (I work nights) but I'm a big believer in school.....outside of the home.  I only have one child but I could not for the life of me imagine electing to keep her home 24/7.  That just sounds like torture....for both of us.  I know of another institution where people are forced to stay with one group all the time it's called prison....and they're all medicated there too.  Socialization plays a great role in one's education and isolating one's children at home does not sound like a good plan.....unless you have like 13 children.  Then one's backyard truly becomes 'the yard'.

My friend's daughter, Hillary, is only 11 and she's menstruating already.  In fact, she started last fall when she was just turning 11.  Like me, my friend is also into organic food.  That's how we met actually: we struck up a conversation on Flax Seed Oil at our local farmer's market.  She started her kids on an organic diet when they were just infants and she's quite the enthusiast, prompting me to rename her the Nutrition Nazi.

Well Hillary just announced to me yesterday that she has PMS.  It caught me quite off guard, I had no idea.  Not that I would, it's clearly none of my business.  I was like. "You have Pre Math Syndrome?"  I mean, she's 11 for god's sake....I hated Trigonometry too.  Then I suddenly remembered my friend from college, who was quite the hippy, also raising her daughters on organic food and that they all entered puberty quite early too:  like 10 or 11.  My college buddy didn't start menstruating herself till she was 14. 

An 80 year old man decides to take a vacation in Miami to visit his friends.  Whilst on holiday, the old man dies.  They ship his body back to New York for a funeral.  At his funeral, there's an open coffin.  His fellow friends from Queens attend the service.  Afterwards, one was overheard saying, "Didn't he look wonderful?!"  To which another friend said, "Yes, those two weeks in Florida did him a world of good."

We had a great time in Florida.....despite the millions of cranky, old people.  How can one live in such paradise, not work, get all sorts of crazy discounts on food and movies and still be so bloody miserable?!  And they have Viagra!  What else do these people need?

Here we are pursuing Lily's first love:  Lighthouses.  Now we can mark off the Cape Florida Lighthouse on Key Biscayne from our To Do List.

The only thing worse than seeing yourself in the mirror of a department store when trying on bathing suits is finding out that the one you bought last year mysteriously shrunk, over the winter, in your closet.

That's right....the disgust I felt for my ever-growing, size 10 frame last year, was just replaced by a new loathing for the size 12 I've become!  What the heck is going on?!  So the tankini with the built-in skirt that I sported last summer and brought along to Florida for my official Winter Humiliation Week is now too tight!!  I swear ladies, I'm eating the same amount of junk food juxtaposed with guilt relieving organic salads this year that I ate last year.  I always balance my calories:  when I stop at Taco Bell for their Burrito Supreme I always get the diet coke.

I'm a mom.  I don't have time for the gym and I just can't keep up with diets and I've done 'em all.  Remember the Atkins Diet:  couldn't eat bread, bread crumbs; you couldn't even get a yeast infection on that.  I started running again this afternoon....in the rain....as soon as we flew back from Florida...and now my knees are aching (I deserve it).  What do you recommend?

We needed a break from the north east winter so we headed south.  It's 85 degrees and sunny here in South Florida.  I'll post more very soon....until then...stay warm.

cheers,

your Funny Mom,

Sherry Davey

  When the temperature outside drops and the weather turns nasty, we head for indoor play spaces.  Thankfully, we have many in Brooklyn that we frequent, it's the one saving grace to being an urban parent.  My friend and fellow comedian Karen Morgan lives in Maine.  The closest thing they have to an indoor play space is her local PetSmart store.  She tells her kids it's an indoor zoo. 

When I was growing up indoor play spaces were called something else:  other people's houses.  Today, between most moms working and daycare, Lily and I have made many lasting friendships at play spaces that graduated into play dates.  An Indoor play space is like a mom's MySpace:  you can network with other lonely, desperate women who are dying to speak with someone over 3 years old.  And if you're new to the indoor play space or party gym experience, it won't take you long to get over the whole ball pit phobia thing.  I think all the germs they pick up in the ball pit only make them stronger in the long run.  In fact, when Lily dives into a ball pit now I literally hear that song Stronger by Kanye West in my head. 

CNN reports, "Grandfather high on drugs passes out, smothers grandson." BET reports, "Baby found smothered under passed out, drunk mother." With headlines like these I think it's safe to say we're not heading into a recession more like a depression. What's even more shocking is that Britney Spears isn't even involved either!  I don't feel so guilty anymore about letting Lily watch that SpongeBob marathon the other day. What the heck is going on?!! Is getting drunk and then passing out on children becoming a national trend? Will conservatives now start planting signs along our highways that read: Smothering Stops A Beating Heart? My husband sends me links to articles like these all day, he's obsessed. I wish he'd stop and focus more on getting that promotion.

Thanks to global warming we don't really get much snow any more in Brooklyn....which makes me want to run out and purchase a few more cans of hairspray because I find snow to be a major inconvenience in daily city living.  However, we do enjoy our winter sports as a family.  Here's a few pics of how we kept Lily busy over the winter break from school:

There are many firsts in life - first bike, first love, first husband.  In fact there's a new Off Broadway play dedicated to that theme entitled, MY FIRST TIME THE PLAY.  But that's not exactly what I'm talking about. 

Lily had her first haircut two weeks ago just in time for Chinese New Year.  I waited till she turned five before I let any scissors dare touch her head....as is family tradition with girls.  They only took two inches off the bottom but the change is dramatic: no more split ends! 

She loved having her hair professionally washed and her neck massaged at our local hair salon. She told the shampoo girl, "That's niiiiice, more please."

We had a fun time getting our hair cuts together but it made me verklempt.  My baby is growing up and this is yet one of many milestones she'll be trodding upon the pathway of life.  Hopefully, this will be the first of many 'dual' haircuts. 

Maybe it's just me but perhaps Lily has a vision problem?  Maybe that's why she needs extra help in school?.......ha ha

A friend of mine who happens to be a graduate student, needs to place her toddler in day care.  She was pleased when her son became eligible to attend the daycare center at the University.  The director of the day care gave her a tour of the facilities.  To assure herself of the center's high standards, my friend asked about the curriculum.

Her son's been fortunate (rather she's been fortunate) to have been home with mom for the first two years of his life.  However, like with most working families today, child care has become an issue.  She's not one of the lucky ones with extended family that can help either.  I think Day Care can be great because they learn socialization skills, have fun and it prepares them for being in school.  It's wonderful to be at home with an aunt or a trusted babysitter but the group experience can be priceless.....actually, it's very price-y.  I think Day Care is an appropriate name for it because one has to work all day to pay for it. 

It's a tough choice but one many women have had to make.  Which do you prefer:  day care or babysitter? 

My mother used to say to me when I complained about my homework that, "Homework never killed anybody."  To which I always replied, "Yes, but I don't want to be the first."

Lily, our five year old, is in Kindergarten and she gets about 45 minutes to one hour worth of homework every day.  It's insane.  And on top of that, she has a spelling test every Friday!  Our first grade friend Imelia gets about 90 minutes of homework a day and is assigned the most complex, intricate, advanced projects which her full-time working mother (a teacher as well!)  usually winds up completing because they're just too difficult.  Come on people.  It doesn't matter how much information is shoved down our kids' throats, SAT scores have steadily been decreasing ever since the 80's.  So guess what?!  The endless hours of homework and the ridiculous expectations placed on our children are obviously not working.  I'm not a slacker mom either I'm a realistic mom.

That's what my friend Liz refers to Valentines Day as.  After 20 years of marriage and several children later, apparently the magic is gone.  It's a lot of pressure on married people to have be all romantic on a Thursday in February.  I feel really sorry for the single people.  I have a friend who is single and has roses delivered to herself at her office every Valentines with a really sexy note.  Brilliant! 

I have to say, ever since Lily has come into our lives Valentines has been even better.  She makes us these lovely cards that have "I love you mom" written all over them...so of course I'm happy.  I bought some cute little one-bite cupcakes for her to take to class so she was just thrilled this morning.  She insisted on carrying them herself.  She slipped twice on the ice with them but fortunately they're okay (so is she).  It was a drama free morning because of those cupcakes!  I think I'll be buying her cupcakes every day from now on.

My husband and I started dating the week before Valentines.  Talk about pressure.  He gave me a card that had a picture of a camera on it with the caption, "Happy Valentines....let's see what develops."  Very noncomittal.  We laugh about it to this day......18 years later.

What did your kids make for you this Valentines?

Is it just me?......No......it couldn't be.  Everywhere I turn, people are snapping at each other and being generally hostile.  Is it the weather?  I've met many people named either May, June or August in my life but never a February.  If there was a girl named February she'd be short, cold and bitter.  There's nothing like three straight days of single digit temps to make one swear at complete strangers on the street, "It's f**king cold out here!"  Why do people do that?  We know it's cold.  Stop it.

Is it the economy?  My husband just survived (I'm thanking god as I'm writing this) another round of lay-offs at his firm that are a direct result of the bleak mortgage market.  I have a theory about why everyone is so angry now.  We're all getting daily, hopeful glimpses of our potential presidential candidates when we still have 9 months left with our first husband.  Seriously, President Bushs' presidency seems to be lingering on like a bad marriage......he just won't leave, there's no money left and he started all this trouble with the neighbors (Iraq)....it's just awful.

Today in Brooklyn, our local children's librarian yelled at me for trying to sign out THE CHILDREN'S BOOK OF POETRY from the reference section.  I forgot!  I didn't mean it really but she acted like I did it deliberately.  Goodness.  She should be happy I'm trying to take out any books for god's sake.  It's not like there's a kids reading epidemic out there.  Hasn't she read the papers lately?  (No because they're probably in reference and no one is allowed to touch them!)  Kids are failing school all over the place.  Despite rigorous curriculums, standardized test scores have been steadily decreasing since the 70's.  It appears her RIF program has not been introduced to the SAT program.   Jeesh.

Got any frantic February moments to share?  Do tell, we could all use a laugh.

Now this is a Barbie I'd love to see though I'm sure it would be recalled in a heart beat.  The toy manufacturers would have to come up with some excuse like it was carrying Bird Flu or some other deadly thing from China when the religious right catches wind:  can't have an unmarried pregnant doll out there! 

Is Barbie married?  I could never quite figure that out.  Does Ken have commitment issues?  Is he a eunuch?  This is the Barbie that can rival those Bratz dolls.   This Barbie would definitely be for the Hillary/Barack ticket - she better, she's going to need the free medical care.

I've heard the jokes over the years that Barbie would have to be like seven foot tall to support her stats:  38-28-36.  We've all heard about her alleged Bulemia what I could never figure out is how she gets those tiny little plastic fingers down her throat.

Which do you prefer Barbie or the Bratz?

At a recent parent teacher conference, I was advised that Lily is having trouble paying attention in school because she is literally falling asleep at her desk.  She is not participating in story time nor does she respond when called upon.  Her comatose state is really affecting her performance in school.  Even though we make sure she eats breakfast the foods she was consuming in the morning were Cheerios and toast - carbs.  Sometimes, I give her fruit but she likes her carbs.  Eggs are out of the question because like her father, she's literally skeeved by them.  She eats PB&J for lunch and fruit so she does eat well.

I was advised by a nutritionist to modify her diet in the morning:  give her more protein and to get her on fish oil capsules.  She's been eating these great apple/chicken sausages with fresh strawberries washed down with a protein shake for two weeks in the am.  If it doesn't have a face Lily isn't eating it.  She gets her fish oils before she goes to bed. 

Today, I received the second of two congratulatory phone calls from her teaching team this week.  Her O.T. said that Lily has literally come out of her fog and is paying attention, focusing, participating and that even her voice is louder now (I give 'em two days before they start complaining about that).  Her teachers and her principal are saying that Lily's awakening is quite phenomenal.

Larry and I couldn't be more thrilled.  It's lovely to get positive feedback from our child's teachers for a change.  I can get used to this.  What nutritional changes have you made to your kid's diet that has affected their behavior positively? 

That's right!  You heard me.  The children's menus at restaurants are always full of crap:  hot dogs; hamburgers; french fries; chicken fingers (I've yet to meet a chicken with hands); etc.... Nothing but fried foods and carb filled pasta.  A truly unhappy meal.  And they wonder why our children are suffering from obesity in record numbers!  Why not just have smaller portions of the healthier foods on the adult menus:  like pint size baked chicken breast; or salmon; or something like that?!  Believe it or not kids like good food too.

I was raised on the four basic English food groups:  sugar, grease, alcohol and salt.  However, we know better now.  Who started this ridiculous trend of offering only crappy, tasteless, fried foods to children?  Are restaurants trying to compete with McDonalds?  If I wanted my kid to eat fast food I would go to a fast food chain....and I'd pay a lot less too.

I tend to share my food with Lily.  I'm famous for ordering an extra clean plate for her.  I've had waitresses make comments to the effect that I'm cheap for doing this.  I'm not trying to save money just her arteries.  

What do you do?  When you go out to eat do you order for your kids from the adult menu or the children's side? 

My mom breastfed me and she drank too.  So technically, I had my first White Russian when I was just six hours old.  No wonder I always slept through the night. 

I've talked about this before but it's worth revisiting.  It still amazes me how much guilt is heaped on women who don't breastfeed.  I was at a parents meeting at Lily's school earlier today.  One of the mothers was feeding her newborn a bottle during the meeting.  The woman was quietly feeding the baby in the back of the room.  If it weren't for the stroller I wouldn't have even known she was there.

One of the parents association volunteers went up to the woman and whispered loud enough for all of us to hear (I guess she wanted everyone to know how considerate or p.c. she is), "If you need to breastfeed you can go in the next room."

The mother responded with, "No thanks, we're fine here."

Then another parents association yenta piped in with, "She doesn't breast feed?!  What's wrong with her?"  If jumping to conclusions were an olympic sport this woman would definitely take the gold.

It's the middle of the night, you are catching up on some much needed mommy beauty rest and then you hear it.  The whimper.  The faint, "Mama, I don't feel good."  You hurry to your child's bedroom and there it is - your poor baby lying in a puddle of sick.  This used to happen a lot with friends when I was in college but it usually didn't signal illness just a great night of partying.  Unfortunately, that's not the case anymore.  This ain't no party ladies.

You glance over at the clock and it reads 2:20am.  Lily doesn't get sick that often anymore (thank god!) but when she does it always seems to strike in the middle of the night.  Why doesn't it seem to happen when I'm fully awake and prepared to deal with it?  The best is, you finally get them all cleaned up, soothe them and put them back to bed.  They have a lovely, restorative sleep while you spend the next hour or so doing laundry, throwing out rugs, whatever - god forbid your husband should help you.  They wake up the next morning all refreshed and feeling 100% better.  You wake up looking like something the cat dragged in and feeling like you're going to throw up any minute.  Then I take her to the pediatrician and spend 10 minutes trying to convince him that she really is sick because if I don't she will get sick again the minute the sun goes down or his office closes!  

Forget counting calories, grapefruit only diets, pills, exercise, guilting yourself, here's my mommy version of the Hollywood Diet: get a stomach virus and throw in a sinus infection.  This is what I had over the weekend and it was fantastic.  I threw up every hour on the hour for almost two days and I never felt better.  I plan to get sick every weekend from here till Spring to reach my goal weight.  This is definitely the way to go. 

How to do this?  Just kiss a toddler any toddler....if you can catch 'em - they're fast.  Fortunately, I caught my friends toddler on Friday.  Mommy and Me classes are great for picking up illnesses by the way.   A Kindergartner is good for this too.  They're always full of phlegm and for at least six months out of the year have icky, runny noses. 

If your children are older just go to a local playground and befriend the mother of a toddler or Kindergartner.  Now you can't kiss them yet because you just met them.  So when the little tike looks like he or she needs to have their nose wiped offer to do it and say something like, "Don't worry mom, I'll take the bullet."  The fat blasting bullet!  Make sure you throw away your pocket size hand sanitizer before you go.  You need to get serious if you want to fit into that bikini again.....and not the one with the built-in skirt.

What mommy weight loss plans do you follow?  Any good tips on picking up stomach viruses?  Any parks notorious for this in your neighborhood?  Share your secrets.

PS - I think the Hollywood Diet is reading one bad script after another.  Nausea is great for reducing hunger.

There are no other two words in the English language that spell par-tay to kids like face painting.  It's to kids what Margherita Mix is to adults:  a reason to get sloppy and start leaning on people. 

We went to another kiddie event this weekend and the main attraction was face painting - the ultimate kiddie cosmetic.  What the heck is it about face painting that makes kids actually volunteer to wait 45 minutes on line?  Lily has never displayed this kind of patience with any other kind of activity.  God forbid she should stand still while I brush her hair but offer to draw a lion on her face and she's all yours.  (Kind of scary.)  I rarely see male face painters.  I think that would be a red flag.  Is there a mild sedative in that paint?  Or is the face painter some sort of wizard?  Is face painting what you do when you fail cosmetology school?  Is it linked to Scientology?

My 15 year old god daughter, Hillary, who lives on the upper east side and is soooo "Oh my god!" once asked the face painter at Six Flags, "What kind of base do you use?"

I don't see the allure of face painting perhaps because I'm an adult or perhaps because they remind me of carnivals: broken dreams; broken people; broken rides; no insurance.....  But once you've got face painting, to quote SpongeBob, "The party switch is officially in the on position."

My friend just sent us an email with her new address containing this photo.  The caption read, "We moved to the country because we needed more space."  Sadly, you just can't put kids in storage.

Ever since we became parents, my husband and I have more stuff than ever.  We always prided ourselves on the motto - we collect experiences not stuff.  Kiss that goodbye!  Between Lily's baby things and all her present belongings (indoor/outdoor toys, skis, skates, bicycle, clothes) our home is officially on overload.  Yes, I've kept Lily's baby gear and furniture just in case we have another.  I find myself buying at least one giant plastic storage tub a week from Target.  Forget outsourcing jobs let's just outsource our stuff.

Any advice on paring down?!

We have an interesting 'situation' brewing here in the New York City School system:  many of our schools are failing and our Mayor, a truly great businessman, Michael Bloomberg, suggests 'rewarding' students with cash for better grades.  I just learned of this plan at a school meeting held by our principal.  Fortunately, our school is not failing but unfortunately many schools around us are and so are many, many students. 

Okay, tough subject for Funny Mom to make funny - I'm gonna try but give me a few minutes.  First of all, I think in my own laymen's opinion, (I am not nor have I ever been an educator) that there is way too much emphasis put on standardized tests and not actual learning.  I do believe our children are being trained to be good test takers.  Bloomberg is also proposing cash incentives to teachers whose students get higher grades on standardized tests - I'm not really sure how I feel about that. 

Our Lily is only five and her daily hour of Kindergarden homework contains test practise elements because she's already being prepped for the standardized testing she will begin in first grade.  She's already saying things like, "When you can't remember which one is the right answer - a, b, or c - always go with b mama."  To which I simply reply, "Really?  In my day it was always c."  She's obviously learning a great deal.

I cringe every time I get an invitation to a Lia Sophia party, I got two in the same week last month just in time for Christmas:  cheap cake followed by not-so-cheap jewelry let the fleecing begin.  Now, Shieldher, Inc is giving us even more reason to cringe:  Home Taser parties.

It's bad enough that my purse runeth over these days with chapsticks, tissues, hand sanitizers, juice boxes, granola bars, and a blackberry, now women (at least that's what the folks at Shieldher, Inc. want you to believe) are toting their own personal Tasers....and they come in metallic pink!  Whoopee!  The ultimate accessory.  Will they come out with special taser jewels like the ones teenage girls decorate their phones with?  They can combine the Taser with the glue gun and call it the Bed*mned.  Is the Taser the new pocket rocket?  Move over Avon, protection is more than skin deep.  Fear and consumption, that's what we're all about these days my friends.

Can you serve drinks at a home taser party??!!  "Be careful girls don't get the Taser near the punch you could electrocute your self.....lay off the vodka ladies!  Where's the dog?  Let's try this on a human....where's your husband?"

P.S. 11/10/09 - Been rethinking my position on these Taser parties as of late.  If we're gonna spend so much money on expe