Playdates these days seem harder and harder to come by.....specifically in the suburbs.  You know, when we lived in Brooklyn, getting together with other children was much easier.  We just used to meet in the playground after school.  Easy enough.  You got to meet the other kids and their parents (good or bad) in a matter of minutes and from there it was on to the greener pastures of individual play dates....or you could just put them on your personal 'do not call list' or click your imaginary 'ignore' button on your face-to-face book.  I really miss that ease of socialization that one gets in an urban environment....it's one of the few things I do miss....the noise, the crowds, the perpetual freak show aspect of New York City, being hit on by the homeless and the constant dog poop under my shoes I do not.  

  Halloween has really become like another holiday in our culture.  This year, with it falling on a Saturday, the madness was really ramped up another notch.  Lily and her cousins trick-or-treated for hours.  The day culminated in a rousing Halloween pizza party complete with 10 screaming, costumed kids.  Here's a picture of Lily as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, her cousin as Raggedy Ann and her other cousin as the Naked Cowboy (from Times Square Fame - he's always an original this kid, no psuedo-edgy Harry Potter stuff for this munchkin).  Don't worry, he was wearing a full body stocking with long underwear underneath.....but with all that sugar coarsing through his veins he couldn't feel a thing anyway.

Lily, our First Grader, had her first assembly of the school year Wednesday.  Sounds harmless right??....apparently not any more.....scary music.....dum dum dummmm.  An official note from the school prinicipal came home in her backpack yesterday warning us that due to the potential dangers of the H1N1 Virus that Wednesday's all school assembly will be the first and the last one of the year due to potential cross-contamination of possibly, allegedly (imagine Law and Order sound track) infected students.  And the Halloween Parade is cancelled too.....and that's outside!!!  No more in school recitals either.  No Holiday Pageant in school the day before Winter Recess and no Pilgrims Parade either.  Do they really believe that keeping the different grades separate will help curb exposure to these viruses??  What about all the different grades riding the bus together in the morning, or the lunch room, or when they cross in the hallways??  Flu segregation sounds like an impossible notion and something out of the middle ages to me.  Doesn't this all sound a little drastic to you?  It's not just me right?!  Can I get a witness??

Lily and her friend Courtney are so excited about Halloween this Saturday (please don't rain) that they donned Lily's old costumes today.  You should have seen them on the trampoline....a mouse and a dragon bouncing about.  Too funny.  It was like Halloween minus the candy...a total sugar high. 

Here's a picture of Lily playing with her cousin Patrick.  Lily enjoys spending time with her cousin but she definitely has a healthy fear of him and it's well earned.  As one can tell from this photo, he likes to play rough.  So does she but boys, even at the age of 7 I find, are already exponentially stronger than girls.  No wonder why girls take Karate!  He likes to give her bear hugs and squeeze her neck (see Exhibit A).  His, is a love that kills.  However, she is about 2 inches taller than him already so he better watch out.  Pay back can be a beyotch my dear nephew.....as we found last weekend.....

  Need a time out from the kids and a few laughs, bring yourself and your girlfriends to see Mama's Night Out at the Hannaford Auditorium, Abromson Center, Portland, Maine on Friday, November 6th at 8:00pm.  Not only will you have a great time but you'll feel even better knowing your ticket purchase goes to support the Cancer Community Center of Maine.  We've been selling out theatres all over the country and we intend to do the same in Maine for the Cancer Community Center.  Look forward to seeing you there!!  The mamas of Mama's Night Out are my fellow momtourage....bring yours and introduce us to them.

Earthquakes, tsunamis, rising unemployment, (my husband is still unemployed 7 months later - so sexy) the economy, failing industries, the health care crisis, global warming, Detroit.  Have you heard enough?  Are you ready to just drive your hybrid car into a tree already?...wait a minute.  We need that tree.  Try driving into a Walmart...that would make us all feel a bit better...just avoid the greeter.  She's probably somebody's grandma and most likely the primary child care provider in her household.  As if all this isn't bad enough, we received some more troubling news yesterday:  Lily is receiving extra help in Math and Reading during school.  What?!  I thought she was doing so well in her new school? 

  Every parenting expert out there warns us not to engage in food battles with our children because it's one of the few places they can exert their control and we'll lose.  Lily has suddenly at the age of 6 begun a nightly ritual of refusing dinner.  I'm of the belief that 'forcing' them to eat is a waste of time and energy.  Life is just too short for all that conflict.  My philosophy has always been, I'm not making her a special meal she eats what we eat and if she doesn't and wants a snack later - tough, no way.  Too bad.  Eat your dinner.  However, last night, I had to work and wasn't around to supervise.  Apparently, my husband gave in and quicky replaced her pork chop with chicken.  I was livid!!  I'm surprised he just didn't give her ice cream for dinner. (I can see it.)  Whatever happened to I have your back?!

I went to the store yesterday to purchase a gift for our friends' baby shower this weekend.  With only a few items left on her gift registry, I was stuck with either bedding or bottle items.  I was pleased to see that all the items she chose for feeding were phthalate and BPA free...however, I was shocked at the prices: $12.99 for only two glass 3.5oz Dr. Brown bottles!!  Are you kidding me?!  Our friend is expecting twins too!  I purchased 4 packages of bottles for her and spent over $50!  You see new moms, you can be safe and phthalate free but it's gonna cost ya.  How can a family with a new baby (how about those with existing children as well) possibly afford these prices in this economy?!  I don't know who's responsible for such mark ups: Dr. Browns or Babies R'Us but either way....shame on them.  The phthalate free pacificers were over $4 for two as well!....and I can't tell you how many of those we lost over the years.  Is there a pacifier heaven along with a sock heaven?  At $2.25 a pop I'd sew them onto their clothing.  Time to start price comparison shoppping on line or to find more economical substitutes.  I guess I've been out of the newborn market for a while because I was simply outraged by the exorbitant prices - well nothing ever goes down does it?...unless it's my money in the market.  No wonder why new moms need baby showers?!  Hillary was right - it takes a village.

As if it's not hard enough being a new mom as it is, now there's the added pressure of stimulating your new baby intellectually as well.  That hypnotic black and white mobile over their crib just won't do it anymore....now it's videos like Your Baby Can Read (which my best friend purchased) and infant playdates.  I saw that commercial again the other day, the one with the baby boy in the high chair giving stock market feedback and I actually thought it was real....a new enrichment program like Your Baby Can Trade.  It's not far off people, "...when baby picks a winning stock we reward him or her with a quiet time or a wheat-free, gluten free, carob cookie."  The New Wining - Teaching Your Baby All About Pinot - I'm telling you it's not that unrealistic.  

Kids can really embarrass their mothers.  Lily got me and good yesterday.  I went to her Open School Night on Monday and met her teacher, the school librarian and other educational professionals.  They're all wonderfully supportive and nurturing....that's why not only am I embarrassed at what happened but I also feel like a real heel.  Lily's school librarian looks just like Miss Piggy.  I mean she's the spitting image of her.  I almost did a double take.  My husband was pinching my leg under the table and whispering "Hi Yah!" in my ear.

Our friend Hunter has sticky fingers and I don't mean from his juice box.  After our play date yesterday, he helped himself to a gratis Snickers bar from the deli.  You see, he wanted Reeses Pieces and a Snickers but was faced with an awful choice when told by his mum that he could only have one.  We didn't realize he had taken the Snickers until we were down the street and he had finished his Reeses only to begin working on the Snickers!  His mother was furious!!  She told him off, gave him a time out, made him go back and apologize and pay for it and it did not end there.  There was an embarrassing conversation over dinner with his father about his crime which resulted in him losing all Wii privelages this weekend.

  With the economy being so...for lack of a better word....slow....and airfares being at an all time low, I packed up our daughter and took her to England for a real summer vacation.  Well, it wasn't actually what we'd define as 'summer' over there but at least school was out of session.  We did some sightseeing in London and then headed southwest to spend time with family in Cornwall.  Cornwall is farm country and Lily, being born and raised in Brooklyn, was thrilled to see sheep, cows and horses on a regular basis.  When I informed her that her cousin owned ponies she replied, "Real ones?!"  Here are some photos from our trip.  By the way, those other blonde children in the photo with the lambs are her cousins.  I know, it was like the aryan children ver playing dahlink (imagine bad German accent).  And don't worry, that cow in this photo was a fake.  They only teach milking on fake cows as the real ones are waaaay too dangerous....and stinky.

We're leaving for England tomorrow and I'm still packing......and it's 12:30am already!  Still, I really shouldn't be complaining.  I remember the days of packing for Lily when she was an infant and all that gear I used to spend hours stuffing into suitcases and the back of our car.  God forbid I had to fly!!!  That was a bloody nightmare....and it was....as I'm a professional stand up comedian and traveling is the name of our game.  I remember getting that car seat or as I used to aptly refer to it- the baby bucket - through security.  What a pain in the *ss!!  Constantly collapsing that stroller for the xray machine.  Thank goodness for Chicco.  Kill me already....though thankfully I never had to prove to any security personnel that those bottles of breastmilk were just that...breastmilk...by drinking them.  That would have been a waste!  I remember you only had to press one button for my stroller to fold down.  The real hilarity ensued when kind strangers would try to help me but didn't quite listen or understand the whole 'button' system.  Ah....those were the days.  How are you dealing with traveling and all that gear??  Is there anything you just can't live without??  Today, it's the mini DVD player for Lily. 

My great grandmother (apparently) used to frequently say, "There's only one beautiful baby in the world and every mother's got one."  The words of a wise woman.  However, It appears, she was wrong.  Yesterday, while at our local pool, I got a gander at one of Lily's swimming mates' new baby sister.  I had to stop myself from recoiling in disgust as she was one of the ugliest babies I've ever seen.  She looked like an alien:  all scrawny; skinny; with horribly splayed fingers and toes.  I found myself struggling for compliments: "She's awfully cute....she's terribly adorable... she's a great eater....she's very long."  Now some of you will read this and think, wow that Funny Mom is a horrible person.  How could she say these things?  Especially on a site that focuses on Motherhood.  May god have mercy on her soul......(pause)......now tell me none of you have ever felt this way about an infant?! 

My gal pal has breast fed her new baby girl for the first 6 months of her life and now she is switching to formula (and still pumping) because she's going back to work...unless you know of a great wet nurse.  That could be the new recession proof career!  She feels so guilty about not being able to nurse for at least 18 months as she did her first two however, I say she's lucky to have had this time with her.  With the current male-cession (it's mostly men out of work), women are putting in longer and longer days.  It feels like years since any of my friends have been able to breast feed longer than 6 weeks.  Nevertheless, the baby is experiencing nipple confusion so mom is feeling even guiltier about her decision.  I keep reminding her, you do what you can when you can.  Just think, if she stays home from work and loses her job then she and the baby can spend endless hours starig into each others eyes.....in the park....in their tent....'cause they'll be homeless.  Do what you can when you can ladies and when you can't, there's always Dr.Browns.  Anybody have any other bottles to recommend for nipple confusion??.....my husband still suffers from it.  (ha ha)

That's right, you heard it moms and dads.  The 16-year old Disney star did a Brittney inspired pole dance last night at the Teen Choice Awards....and this is the young woman my tweenage, 9 year old niece looks up to?!  Talk about the wrong message!  Didn't they have a meeting before the show?  Or a rehearsal?...where someone over the age of 18 would have the chance to say, "Ummmm, I don't think so sweet pea.  Put your wig and your clothes back on and get rid of the pole."  It's bad enough that Disney constantly barages us with busty, small waisted female animated characters like Ariel and Tinkerbell (whom I really think is a drag queen anyway)....now they're bringing those cartoons to life?!   Puh-lease.  I guess this means I have to start working out again.

Sorry I've been away for so long.  I've missed blogging and all the comments from my readers but I had my big Endometriosis Surgery in June and that took me out of commission for literally 6 weeks.  Not kidding.  I'm just starting to feel normal again.  Just to give you a quick update:  I still have my ovaries but only one Fallopian Tube...so we're now officially Reproductively Challenged.  One of my friends asked me recently if I got pregnant, despite my age and my issues (reproductive not psychological) would I keep the baby?!  I was like are you kidding?  Of course!  I would want to have the baby Jesus.  Speaking of miracle babies, above left is the latest addition to our family, our  new niece, born in February.  She's now 7 months old and cuter than ever.

Our six year old is enrolled in swimming classes this summer.  She can swim.  She does what we call 'the advanced doggie' - as she's very quick.  However, the strokes allude her at the moment.  While the other kids are at least attempting the strokes in class my daughter is just slapping the surface.  She's still not crazy about getting her face wet....so this is a problem.

This year, with soooo many people unemployed and the number only rising, take the time to really enjoy the simple things this 4th of July.  Like the freedom to read this blog and not have your text messaging stopped by pro-government, anti populist forces (hello....Iran).   More importantly, really enjoy the company of your friends and family in particular your munchkins.  No matter what age they are they'll always be our munchkins.  And yes it's loaded with carbs but it's only potato salad.  Eat it for gods sake.  You can go back to the gym....or Harry.....or however you work off those calories on Monday.  Happy birthday America.

Here's the latest in what I call extreme toys:  a scooter that creates sparks.  Here's the description of it from Amazon verbatim: "Adding a bit of spark to the original kick scooter, the Razor Spark has modified its A2 scooter with a foot controlled, detachable Spark Bar to light up your ride. The Spark Scooter's spark cartridge creates 20 percent more sparks than other brands on the market thanks to its 5 flint pads. A bonus spark cartridge is included."  Flint pads have been added to a child's toy??!!  Are these toy manufacturers insane??  Did this thing come from China?  Lead based toothpaste, Thalate in baby bottles....it's not a stretch to think China's trying to destroy us.  Maybe it was Al Qaeda?  Sounds like an old Saturday Night Live sketch doesn't it?:  "Here's a great toy for the kids.....Johnny Blow Torch....or how about a bag of broken glass!"  And I thought Pee And Poo Plush toys were ridiculous.  Whoever came up with this latest idea had their head firmly rooted up their a$$.  I smell a recall.  Reeecalllllaaaaa........think Ricola cough drops.

It's the end of the school year and once again, I find myself in the 'shocked and appalled' mode when it comes to the teacher's gift.  For the past two years, I was the official money collector for the teacher's gift in December and the end of the year.  In the past, I found it hard to collect even 5 bucks from the other parents....and that was in better economic times.  They would argue that 5 was too much.  Ultimately, I found myself 'sweetening' the gift kitty to the tune of $50 each time.  Now, I find myself in the complaining position.  Fortunately, this year there are three moms in Lily's class who take care of all 'teacher/party business' and I am eternally grateful.  However, they are collecting $20 from each student, 20 students overall, for the teacher apprecitation gift certificate.  That's $400 people!  Am I the only one who thinks this is a little much?  It feels like a bribe.

We're on our fifth straight day of rain here in the northeast so that means another indoor play date.  Today, one of the other mothers offered to have all the kids over to her house!  Yeah!!! Finally, someone else has stepped up to the plate.  I don't mind having the kids over but between the noise and the constant rain, I'm done.  I'm tired of playing hide and seek and decorating cupcakes already.  They really need to run around outside too but it's just too darn wet and chilly for that.  What are you doing to keep your kids amused during this latest weather set back???

I'm writing this because we had a troubling notice come home from our school yesterday:  apparently, there are several children in our school who have life threatening allergies to peanuts, tree nuts, wheat, milk and eggs.  The officials in our district are actually contemplating segregating these children from the rest of the children during lunch.  I don't remember hearing about all these allergies when I was growing up: the attitude in the 70's was basically - "Oh well, it sucks to be you."  However, that is not the case today.  We can all debate why these allergies exist (pollution, pesticides) but that does nothing to solve the issue of anaphylactic shock.  When a kid can't breathe because of peanut butter fumes the 'why' debate helps no one. 

I had the surgical procedures (on May 22nd) to correct all the fertility problems associated with Endometriosis.  It's almost two weeks since I had the surgery and I'm still sore.  I was assured I'd heal quickly but I think Lily being home sick from school all last week didn't help.  It's hard to heal when you're cleaning up vomit....every 2 hours.  I went for my follow-up exam yesterday and was quite surprised to hear what my doctor advised.......

I've been keeping Lily home from her New York City School this week not because of the swine flu but because of flu-like symptoms:  fever; projectile vomiting (lovely); chills; muscle aches; coughing....the list just goes on and on....and she's sleeping even less as well.  Great.  The pediatrician said give her Tylenol that'll break the fever I was like: "No, you know what will break the fever - daylight because she's sucking the life out of me.  She's a vampire!"  Apparently, I'm not the only one.  I called the school to let them know I'm keeping her home and they told me that 52% of the school was absent on Tuesday!  I don't think it's just a scare either because ALL the children on our block are home sick this week with these flu-like symptoms in addition to their double ear infections and Strep throats.  Isn't childhood just lovely??  Is your child home sick with these flu-like symptoms this week?  What are you doing to pass the time?  Please share.

Ripped from today's headlines there's another story of a Teacher (aged 27) allegedly having sex with her 14 year old student.  Shocking and disgusting.  The mother of the boy was tipped off by another parent at their PTA meeting.  (I will never blow off another PTA meeting again.)  After checking out his cell phone, the mother found hundreds of contacts between the student and teacher who were allegedly having sex on the school grounds no less.  One of the last texts from the teacher told the boy to "erase your phone" which he obviously did not.   Apparently, she's still good at giving directions.....and he's stilll not good at following through on them. 

Lily got a hold of my camera this week and has been taking photos like crazy the fact that it's digital makes it so easy to delete most of the shots anyway.  It's not like years ago when you went to take a photo with your parents' camera and they flipped out because you'd be wasting film.  Here are some of her shots...she takes many of the television and some you just don't know what they are........

OMG!  I have been following this story like a mad woman.  In general, I scoff at reality shows but since day one I've been addicted to Jon & Kate Plus 8 and most recently, The Real Housewives series on Bravo (whether they're from New York City or Orange County I love those bitchy broads).  I've always been addicted to Jon & Kate Plus 8 because just the fact that these people have 6 children all of the same age in one household is completely compelling.  I thought potty training one 3 year old was hard enough....imagine doing it for 6 all at the same time!!  Not fun but these two people handle the children with a lot of grace and patience.  I'm continuously impressed.  So, my obvious fan status makes me uniquely qualifed to comment on their situation.  I've been reading all the comments from our readers to the original post about the story earlier this month and taking in reactions from various television talking heads and I'm appalled.

When Lily was 5 I was the center of her universe....a place I loved being though I knew it was short lived.  I did enjoy it while it lasted though.  The six year old child is a complex, independence seeking, bipolar animal who swings from extremes like, "Mommy I want to love you all day," to "I don't like you, you're not my friend anymore."  And that was only because I wanted her off my computer for a minute...jeeesh.....what's she gonna say when things really get bad?  "You're a disappointment as a mother?!"  Ooowwww!  Tough crowd.  Good thing I have a strong sense of self.  I know Youtube is addicting but puh-lease.

My husband has really frustrated me several times over the past couple of years when it comes to the care of our daughter when I'm away but this past weekend really takes the cake.  While I was in California with my show Mama's Night Out, Lily hurt her ankle in the park after school on Friday.  My husband told me about her injury on Saturday on the phone.  He stated that her ankle was 'slightly' swollen but that despite her injury she was jumping around like a bloody mountain goat and running nonstop (her usual antics).  I flew home Sunday, after two delayed and cancelled flights, and arrived quite late in the evening.  Her ankle looked quite swollen to me on Monday morning so I took her to the pediatrician.  She took one look at it and told us to get an xray immediately as she feared it was fractured.

"I love you so much I'll stab you in the f**kin' heart!"  That's what my neighbor Gina screamed at her husband last year at the block party....in front of everybody!  And she wasn't even drunk.  It's safe to say that most of the people in my neighborhood could easily star in Lifestyles Of The Poor And Unknown.  All I see, (who knows what goes on behind closed doors) are unhappy women married to spouses who are not emotionally present for them nor their children.  All is not well.  However, despite the block party breakdowns and the frequent police visits, Gina bought a video camera so her teenage son can tape her and her family antics for a reality show.  (PAUSE)  OMG! What was that??  A thud?  No, it was Gina hitting rock bottom.

Forget Cinco De Mayo celebrate Nueve De Mayo (minus the Swine Flu of course)!  My show Mama's Night Out is coming to California this year for Mother's Day weekend.  Join us at these theatres for a well deserved time out:

Friday, May 8th, 8:00pm
Lancaster Performing Arts Center
Lancaster, CA

May 9, 2009, 8:00pm
Victoria Gardens Cultural Center
Rancho Cucamonga, CA
Mama's Night Out is Comedy by mothers for everyone.  This show is the perfect gift for your mom or wife on Mother's Day.  Forget flowers or worse - that plant - something else she'll just have to take care of.  Give her a laugh instead.

As you may or may not know, my husband is no longer gainfully employed in the financial world....and I'm sure will never be again....at least at the level he was.  A few weeks ago, I wrote a piece here about it and I have been talking about it onstage.  I've been talking about his desire to go back to school to become a nurse (and when I say his desire I mean my desire for him) - to have a recession proof job.  Well, a news producer with ABC heard me talk about it onstage and caught the article that was done on us in the Financial Times, and they filmed a segment on us that will most likely air this Monday, May 4th, on World News with Charles Gibson between 6:30 - 7:00pm.  We were interviewed by Dan Harris.  Please tune in!  If for some reason it doesn't air Monday most likely it will air Tuesday, May 5th, same time same bat channel.  Have a great weekend!

My show Mama's Night Out is coming to New Jersey and New York this weekend just in time for Mother's Day - May 1 & May 2.  Give yourself and a fellow mama a time out with Mama's Night Out.  These ladies are my momtourage! ...And I promise none of us have the Swine Flu.  Here are all the details:
May 1, 2009, 8:00pm
South Orange Performing Arts Center (SOPAC)
South Orange, New Jersey
Phone - Call 973.313.ARTS (2787) - This is a return engagement!
May 2, 2009, 8:30pm
Don't Tell Mamas
New York, NY
343 W 46th St
New York, NY 10036
(212) 757-0788

At least three days a week after school at the playground, we buy Lily (and at least 2 of her friends) popsicles from the ice cream truck.  They're pretty cheap - only $3.00 a day for 4 small popsicles.  However, since my husband was laid off....again....I've been taking a hard look at our finances.  Fortunately, I've been busier than ever however, we need to be more careful with money.  We still have $3 for popsicles but should we be spending $9 a week on popsicles from the truck when they're cheaper to buy from the supermarket? I don't think so. 

As you may or may not know, my husband and I have been "trying" to have another child for some time now.  Our first pregnancy was a spontaneous one so we thought the next one would be as well.....wrong.  Ever since I gave birth to the uber baby six years ago (nine and a half pounds), I have been suffering with very painful periods.  The pain is so bad I thought I was pre-menopausal or something.   To which my sensitive G.P. told me, "You're not pre-menopausal you're just overweight."  Thanks.  After seeing many specialists (including Infertility Specialists) and having all sorts of humiliating tests done (now when I see a gloved hand I just disrobe....which made skiing somewhat awkward this year) finally I have the answer:  Endometriosis.   

We took Lily to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden this week to see the annual Hanami or Cherry Blossom Festival.  This is one of our favorite things to do and this year, with all the constant bad news we really needed a little pick me up, especially since I had just mailed the IRS a check for $3000.  It's okay, I just made it out to AIG (too bad we couldn't just write them off as a dependent)..  But seriously, we didn't participate in any tea bag temper tantrums - I thought that was the realm of my overbearing mum.  Honestly, who do these people that protest taxes think is going to pay for our way of life: the road fairy? the school fairy?  Grow up already.  These are probably the same people who voted for George Bush....not once but twice.  It came as no shock to me that it was all coordinated by the Fox News Channel.

Lily's class had an Easter slash Passover party last week.  She absolutely adores both holidays so the party was a real treat for her.  I have to admit I love spring too...in fact I wish it would show up one of these days...it's cold as ever and miserable here in the northeast.  So, any kind of celebration that marks a change of season is always welcome to us.  Her teacher asked us all to donate $5 for the supplies so I didn't even have to bake for this party.....I'm loving her teacher more every day.

  Here's a picture of Lily standing next to the table of goodies (and that was just the dessert!) at the Easter Party we attended this past weekend in Brooklyn.  Thank god it was held in a night club with a huge dance floor so the kids could run off all that sugar.   The peeps and juice pouches alone were enough to propel her into outer space...nothing gets you higher than high fructose corn syrup.  If she gets the same amount of chocolate this year from family members as she did last year than I think the tooth fairy will be visiting soon too...and he'll be giving her dental floss instead of money.

I listened to all the vapid talking heads on Good Morning America this morning review the controversial new PSA on domestic violence featuring actress Keira Knightley.  You know you live in a misogynist culture when people take issue with a psa on domestic violence.  Yes, the images are graphic and disturbing....but here's a dose of reality.....domestic violence is graphic and disturbing.  It's only a film and it's meant to be wake us up out of our anesthetized state of stupidity on the subject.  Enough with the sugar coating already.  We're all so overweight as it is.  Let's thin down on reality.  That's the plan for spring: let's all shed 20 pounds worth of denial.

Sorry I've been out of touch but we've had bad news around here lately:  my husband's company had another round of lay offs and he was included.  It was the fourth round of lay offs since they started having them back in January of 08 (hello churning stomach acid and explosive diahrea).  He managed to cling to his job for a very long time for which I'm very proud of him......it appears that the same stalker qualities he exhibited when meeting me came in handy around the office.  However, it appears the financial industry he worked in for many years is just disintegrating.  So now it's time for more change.........

Lily had two girlfriends over today for a play date as it's still too bloody cold here in the northeast to play outside for longer than one hour.  That trip to Florida last week ruined me for the rest of winter...I'll be complaining and shivering long into June.  Any hoo, the girls had a great time except for the tears, bickering, whining, door slamming, foot stomping drama....and that was just me.....no, just kidding.  That was all the domain of the other ladies in the house.....

Snow on the first day of spring got you down??!!  Then give yourself a time out with the hit theatrical comedy MAMA'S NIGHT OUT coming to South Jersey tomorrow, Saturday, March 21st at 7:30pm.  Oh, by the way, I'm in the show too....did I forget to mention that??  Our show has been selling out venues all over the country.  March 6th & 7th we just had two sell out shows in Pennsylvania!  Proving that especially in this economy, people need a good laugh and Mama's Night Out delivers clean, family style comedy for moms and dads of all ages.  So join us for some real belly laughs at the Stafford Township Arts Council this weekend!  Hope to see you there.

Despite the economy or perhaps because of it, I'm on a quest to have Lily visit with her oldest relatives this year.  Not that we're looking to have her grandfathered into any wills, we're just happy to see her with grandmothers and great grandmothers on both sides.  No great grandfathers left I'm afraid.  The men in our family usually die early....because they can.  This photo of four generations of my husband's family was taken last week in Florida.  That's my husband's grandmother on the right and she's almost 94! 

You know, it isn't only the fat cats on Wall Street who have become synonymous with greed and excess these days.....self-important celebrities are right up there too with the overpaid and undeserving.  Today, I learned that Oprah just penned a deal with XM Satellite Radio for $55 Million.  

  Finally, a Hollywood actress is doing more with her breasts than just flaunting them on the red carpet.....and people are upset?  I generally don't write about celebrities unless they're doing something monstrously stupid or ridiculously funny because let's face it:  they're over exposed; completely boring; unimportant; narcisstic; and mostly irrelevant.  However, this story really has me intrigued.  Apparently, Selma Hayek, was in Sierra Leone and breastfed a malnourished baby boy....whom she's not related to.....(pause)....okay.   Sounds good to me....right?  Sounds like she may have even saved the baby's life.  So.....isn't that a good thing?  Haven't people ever heard of wet nurses?   Wouldn't you share your breast milk with a starving baby?  I don't see a problem. 

If you need a laugh this weekend, a time out from all the bad news about the economy, join my friends Nancy Witter and Karen Morgan and I for our own laughter stimulus package, Mama's Night Out, in Pennsylvania:

March 6, 2009
8:00 PM
Majestic Theatre
Gettysburg, PA

March 7, 2009
Sellersville Theater
Sellersville, PA

 "Obama said he hopes the terrorists don't follow us home, but if they do, and they want to bring down a building, the CitiCorp Center is at Lexington and 53rd." --Bill Maher

I have always tried to shield my child and other children from bad news or tragedy....which both apply to this economy.  However, there are some invaluable lessons to be learned from the current global financial crisis.  My in-laws, frugal as they are (admittedly sometimes embarrassingly so), grew up in the post-depression era Midwest.  Consequently, they really know how to squeeze a penny and have never lived beyond their means.  They, like my Hungarian refugee father, live by the mantra, "If I don't have the cash I can't afford it."  Very wise words indeed. 

I have to say, the phrase necessity is the mother of invention is very true....now more than ever.  Years ago, when my husband was unemployed and I could no longer go on the road for weeks doing comedy, my mom comedian friends (Karen Morgan and Nancy Witter) and I put together our mommy-centric theatrical comedy experience Mama's Night Out.  Three years later, I'm thrilled to report Mama's are selling out theatres all over the country.  We saw a niche and came up with a product to fill it.  We had to.  We're not bragging.  There were simply no producers out there willing to take on three non-famous, over forty-something (two of us overweight too) moms.  So we produced ourselves, got a manager, eventually an agent and years later here we are. 

Many parents of Lily's fellow Kindergarteners are getting anxious about the upcoming annual testing for our district's Eagle Program - accelerated classes for exceptional students.  I spoke with four mothers after school yesterday in the park about how they feel their children are 'perfect candidates' (believe me I was sucked into the conversation, I tried to back out gracefully several times but, like the Godfather, they just kept pulling me back in).  

When Lily was a tiny baby, my husband and I joined the organic food revolution.  We started shopping at Whole Foods and went out of our way to find local farmers' markets.  Every time we'd pass a McDonalds we'd shudder and say, "The horror, the horror."  However, with our current household budget shrinking, I've had to make cuts (many) where I can and sadly, organic food is one of them.  We can always go back to our healthier, more expensive, nutritional lifestyle when things improve but for now, we'll just have to stomach preservatives, fill-ins and chemicals.  Which all makes me sad because contrary to what you might think, I don't believe organic food makes us live longer it just makes the time we have here healthier.  In a strange twist of fate, I believe it's all those preservatives that actually make people live longer and at the rate things are going - global warming, potable water shortages - I don't know if I want to be around for all that.  I hadn't planned on it.  However, I had to remind my husband last night that we should just be thankful we have food in the fridge to even debate over (and now we at least have a little extra for the beer we need to help us forget).  What cuts have you had to make in your budget?  Please share, you'll feel better about it.

As if there isn't enough pressure on kids today, there seems to be a push to get babies to read now.  Remember when teaching your baby to sign was all the rage?  I remember seeing tons of babies in restaurants signing the 'eat' sign and thinking, "What a shame.  There are so many deaf children in the northeast."  I had no idea at the time that it was a movement!  I woke up late last night, after passing out on the couch around 8:30pm.  Lily is on vacation this week from school so we took her and her friend for a fun-filled day at the New York Hall of Science, needless to say I was wiped out.  The place was so crowded we could barely move but the kids didn't seem to mind.  I guess the native New Yorker in them doesn't mind 20 person ques for the toilet and various science/math games.  Any rate, I digress, around 2am I came across an infomercial for Your Baby Can Read or some such thing...I can't remember the exact name and I don't care to give them a plug here anyway.  It was so ridiculous it was laughable.....

I've learned in my short life that the key to happiness is lowered expectations.  So I'm not expecting any boxes full of chocolates this Valentines nor any naughty lingerie (which is really a present for him more than for me).  I've been hinting for weeks that I like dark chocolate with nuts but I'm sure those hints fell on deaf ears.  Not to worry, they'll taste even better at half price on Sunday.  I'm not expecting much at all:  a hug from my husband; a lovely crayon drawn picture from my 6 year old (the best presents I could ever receive actually).  But one of my girlfriends passed along a great laugh to me for Valentines and I'd like to share it with you....

A man asked his wife what she'd like to have for her Birthday.  "I'd like to be six again'", she replied.

It's not just me who thinks the now famous Los Angeles mom of octuplets bears a striking resemblance to Angelina Jolie...they must have the same plastic surgeon....it's all over the internet and all the comedians in the clubs are talking about it too.  They both have those unnaturally augmented lips going on:  like goldfish being pushed through a key hole.  Angelina also has an ever growing brood of kids (both biological and adopted) but unlike Octomom she also has a mate and tons of dough.  Is Nadya trying to be Angelina?  Is this just a more elaborate form of stalking?  (I also think she wants her own show on TLC like the Gosselins.)  I bet if you do a little back tracking in her email you'll see tons of emails to Angelina's fan site.  I bet she's been 'friending' Angelina like crazy on Facebook.....and I'm sure Angelina's people have her on 'ignore'.

So, I went off to the store today to buy a gift for my friend's new baby.  It's her second so she really didn't need anything besides diapers, wipes and new bottles.  She asked me to pick up ones that were BPA free.  Now I remember a few months ago all the hullabaloo over harmful chemicals in plastic baby bottles and pacifiers from China.....remember when the worst thing you get could get from the Chinese was MSG??....any rate, so off I went to Babys'R'Us to be confused and overwhelmed......

Lily is skating so well this year.  That figures though - she's 6 now.  We started her in lessons when she was 3.  That was kind of useless....she spent most of her time on her tush..she appeared to enjoy it though.  She used to ask me all the time, "Kating?"  She couldn't even say it forget doing it.  Ahhhh memories.  They grow up so fast...makes me sad.

We had a visit from my old college buddy Judy yesterday and her two year old son Joshua.  He's just the most adorable little tot....but at 33 pounds he's not so little considering he's not walking yet.  What a chunky little back breaker he is....good thing he's cute.  Imagine if he wasn't?!  He does the soldier crawl a lot, you know slithering around on his belly....looking for insurgents and cookies.  He's walking with the aide of tables and chairs, pulling himself up but not quite able to walk farther than a few steps without someone or something to lean on.....kind of like Judy's drunken college days. 

My sister gave birth to another daughter yesterday at 3:43pm......all 7lbs 15oz of her!  The biggest one yet for my sister.  This little girl, who is yet to be named, is baby number three.  There are two names being bandied about right now.  Thankfully, my nine year old niece's favorite, Hannah Montana, is not one of them.  She was induced two weeks early but mum and baby are faring well.  I have yet to see the new tot so I haven't been able to play babyrazzi yet but I will soon.  The last time my sister gave birth I was her partner as she was widowed on 9/11.  I'm overjoyed at the birth of this baby but I can't help thinking of when Patrick (or as we like to call him 'the terror') was born.  So, I'm slightly melancholy today but truly happy about non Hannah Montana.

Now that the cold weather is upon us we're having fewer and fewer play dates in the park.  In fact, all the children are coming over here....or we just have no play dates at all.  I don't mind the all kids coming here but shouldn't some of the other moms be reciprocating with play dates at their house by now?  What's up with that?  Have they forgotten?  Are they suffering from momnesia?  Should I send them a leading group email with the re: Playdate At Your House This Thursday? 

Again, I don't know where my friend finds these photos but everytime she sends them my way I feel the need to share them with you.  This one brought a much needed chuckle as I received it the moment the current wave of job losses was announced.  I don't know which is worse - his legs (or just that stance??!!), those wings or that wall in need of a power washing.  Laugh it up people.  Comedy is a much needed remedy in these times.

That was what someone told me at a child's birthday party last week.  As the parent of an only child I've heard many stupid, thoughtless remarks from other parents but this one took the cake....I just had to vent about it here.  You see, I made the mistake of engaging one of the other parents in what I thought was going to be a harmless, plesant conversation.  I paid a father a compliment on his identical twin sons, I told him that they were so well behaved and sat so patiently while the cake was handed out.  They were dear little boys.  The father then launched into a tirade about "What a handful" they are and that before he had them that he only had one child...like me.  And that, "Having one kid is easy.  Having three is a whole different story.  That's when you know you're a real parent - when you have more than one!" 

Considering our bleak economy (or at least that's what the media war drum keeps beating), the war and all the job losses this past year, I made it very clear to many of our friends that we are no longer exchanging gifts for Christmas & Hanuhkah.  I explained that not only were we doing it for monetary reasons but to reduce stress levels (mine, as I do ALL the shopping) and to emphasize "less is more" for our children (or at least my child).  I explained that we'd much rather spend time with our friends and loved ones this holiday season (and from now on) rather than money. 

I only turned on the television a few times over the holiday week and each time I did it was more depressing: from the recession; to the war; to the attacks in the middle east; and to the most depressing of all - the press' relentless coverage of the Obama family in Hawaii.  I'm sure you saw the countless photos of him with his girls just trying to buy ice cream.  There were times when one could just read from the President Elect's face that his B.S. Barometer had reached fever pitch.  It raised the same annoyance levels in me as when Sarah Palin would spout words like "dontcha" or "gotcha". 

Now that I have one of my own, it's no wonder A.A. Milne wrote a book of poetry for six year olds.  Something magical happened when Lily turned six on 12/22/08: she blossomed socially.  It was like she awoke from baby slumber into a true, young girl: she's chatting like mad; very confident; sassy; cracking jokes; telling her friends to copy her; had her first sleep over; and is suddenly full of 'poo poo and pee pee' songs.  It's a lot of fun....but it also makes me melancholy for my baby.  Now that we're in this stage of life the curtain has officially closed on 'totland'.  She had her friend Eleanor sleep over last night.  I was so relieved when Lily came into my room for a cuddle after her friend fell asleep.  I was actually heartened to hear her say, "I miss you mama."  I miss you too my darling....but I'm still here for you.  I always will be.

Hours after posting Santa Phobia, my post about my 6 year old daughter's irrational fear of jolly Old Saint Nick, my friend sent me these photos of other scared children with that awful Santa.  I don't get it!  Is is the suit?  The beard?  I understand being scared of a giant rabbit at Easter, I get that too, it's like an acid flash back or something.  But this guy is harmless...and he brings presents!!  Enjoy these, I don't know where she got them but they're hilarious... I think I would have felt better if the kids in the photo were 6 years old and up and not visibly babies. 

No, it's not fear of saints and religious artifacts.  In fact, Santa Phobia has nothing to do with religion at all (just like Santa himself).  It's just that unreasonable fear kids have of that kindly, old fat guy who comes once a year in a red suit bearing gifts.  What's so scary about that?!   Beats me.  Here's a photo of Lily's annual pose with Santa -  with her back to him - that's the only way she'll pose with Santa.  She refuses to make eye contact, typical city kid.  She acts like she just met him on the subway or something.  She's 6 now and still petrified of him.  It's starting to be embarrassing.  Will this ever end?  Are your kids scared or still scared of Santa?  Please share the pain.

I can't believe my baby girl is turning 6 next week.  We had her birthday party yesterday and when it came time to sing Happy Birthday I got all verklempt.  I actually had to hold back the tears.  Suddenly, it hit me.  My baby isn't my baby anymore.  She's growing up faster than I ever imagined.   Enjoy them while you can 'cause before you know it: they don't want to sit on your lap anymore; don't want you to cuddle them; and would much rather walk in front of you than hold your hand.  Cherish your babies while you can and tell them you love them every day.

As I posted earlier today, my husband is very anti-Christmas including the decorations.  So, to reduce seasonal stress I try to use ones that won't depress him too much and cause him to fly off into one of his 'it's so commercial' rants (I call them Blitzen Fits).  See our peace frog and Christmas Lobster....definitely not Kosher for my side of the family.  One thing we both agree on:  we both detest those giant, outdoor, snow globe things that use a fan to blow bits of styrofoam around encased Santas or Snowmen.  It's like, "Oh look, Santa's got respiratory problems."  Weird and such a waste of electricity.

My husband hates Christmas decorations so in order to keep the peace in our home over the holidays we have to put up lights that barely have anything to do with the season.  Our daughter is just glad that we have any lights up whatsoever so she's oblivious to the obviously out of season Diving Dolphin light at right.  Just the ritual of putting up the decorations was enough excitement for her.  What concessions are you making this holiday season?

I was at the mall yesterday and realized something, I just don't have the money nor the patience this year for the holidays.  I'm so behind on shopping and we didn't even take our holiday photo yet either.  However, for the first time,......I'm not really bothered by it all.  I really could care less.  We just wrote a check this morning for $2k to our adoption agency so that's where our money is really going this year.  I think that would be a much better present to the family anyway - a new life rather than a new pair of gloves.  So I need to make it down to Washington soon to get a Christmas bail out because we've only got $600 this year and this is how far it has to be stretched:  12 presents; 6 birthday presents; tips for the babysitter, manicurist, aerobics instructor, teacher, mail man, crossing guard; and a new bike for Lily's b-day on the 22nd.  Oh...and I won't be taking the family jet either....I'll just drive down in my 97 Corolla with the broken door now that gas prices are so low.....

What I loved this year the most about Thanksgiving was the fact that I didn't have to cook it...again.  Though I did bring several awesome (if I do say so myself), Weight Watchers friendly side dishes, I didn't have to serve a lot of people.  What a relief.  It's not like I don't do it all year long, between birthdays and barbecues and Easter/Passover, I'm all 'entertained' out.  In fact, we had such a good time at our friend's gathering that I already put in dibs to have it there again next year.  Our friends and family all drew straws to see who would be doing it next year.  I put in for our friends twice.  They had no idea.  I acted all bummed out when I didn't draw the short straw, "Darn it.  I lost again!"  That acting training comes in very handy.

I'm not the even hosting the family Thanksgiving Dinner this year but that doesn't mean I won't be busy preparing my 'dishes' to bring:  sweet potato pies; biscuit wreath; and two Spaghetti Squash Casseroles.  My Thanksgiving To Do List was ridiculously unrealistic.  As of this morning:  it had 23 separate tasks listed.  So, I had a big glass of wine and took a deep breath.  I got rid of 14 tasks now there's only 9 left to do before Thursday morning.  I got rid of the 'doing laundry' one, heck that's what perfume is for and the 'baking cookies' one too (hello Shop Rite).  Now that I can handle.  Do you overschedule and multi-task too much too?  Tell me about it.

We had four kids over this afternoon for an after-school playdate as it was waaaaay too cold to meet at the park.  We actually did meet on the playground but after only 25 minutes of that bone chilling, blustery north east wind, we were all headed for the comfort of the indoors....our indoors and I found myself scrounging for snacks for five hungry kids. 

We had our first official Parent Teacher Conference with Lily's new Kindergarten teacher last night, not that I didn't speak with her every day the first three weeks during Lily's transition from first grade back to Kindergarten but who's counting?  I'm happy to report, for the first time in her schort school history, that she's doing exceedingly well!!!  And I'm not just lying to make myself feel better about it this time!

  My show Mama's Night Out is going to be in two of the coldest spots in the country this week.  Mama's Night Out is comedy by mothers for everyone.  If you're in need of a night out and you're near these theatres here's the ticket information:

Rosza Center For the Arts, Houghton, MI, 11/19;

Grand Theatre, ArtsBlock, Wausau, WI, 11/22

My niece is turning 10 this November 22nd and she's a real tweenager: complete with attitude; the perpetual rolling of the eyeballs; and the desire for a cell phone for her birthday.  She's getting one too....texting privelages as of yet are not a guarantee.  She's only in 4th grade for goodness sake!   My mum is giving her gems to decorate her phone with and a 'cool soft pink leather skin' for it.  Has she lost her mind?!  And since when has my mother purchased anything cool??

We had a neighbor's kid over today for a play date.  He was unusually well behaved and was really happy to be over playing with Lily inside while it poured outside.  She was also thrilled to have him over.  The play date was a success!...until...(dramatic theme music)....duh duh dummm.....his parents picked him up 90 minutes late and didn't answer their cell or my texts.  What to do?....

My husband and I are seeing a fertility specialist, turns out we have reproductive issues.  I had to take the HSG test earlier this week and god was it painful!  They warned me ahead of time to take a painkiller and I was like yeah right.  I had a 9 and a half pound baby the first time!  I gave birth to a toddler!  How bad could it be?  Wrong.  Very bad.  In laymen's terms, it's an xray of one's fallopian tubes, ovaries, the works....  Looks like my right side is completely blocked. Why am I not surprised?  It couldn't be easy but I did conceive Lily 5 years ago with that same blockage (most likely) in place....so keep your fingers crossed. 

Just wanted to let you know that my show MAMA'S NIGHT OUT is coming to Minne-snowta this weekend for three shows!  MAMA'S NIGHT OUT (my momtourage) is comedy by mothers for everyone so you can definitely bring your husband.  Here's all the info:

There's a spring in my step today.  Wonder what it could be?  Could it be.....hope?  That's right, I'm actually feeling hopeful today for the first time in a long time.  I went to vote at 6:50am at our local school in Brooklyn just in case there were any lines.  Guess what?!  There were!  The lines were wrapped around the building.  The turn out is amazing.  I hope our current president sees the news tonight (it comes on right after Barney, George) and interprets the vast voter turnout as I do:  the people's mandate for change, that we're anxious to have the current adminstration over.  There's been a Bush, a Dick, a Colon....I think we got screwed.  Say bye bye boys.  I pray for all the Democrats on the ticket today.  It's important to get out there and vote dear readers....as we don't have this one locked up by a long shot. 

Diana Ross has nothing on our 5 year old Lily.  Last year, we went through three costumes in one day:  dragon; bunny; and finally a mime.  This year, she went to school as a mouse but will trick or treat later on as a ghost.  Here's costume number one:

Semen, stirrups and massaging one's cervix...sounds like a porno right?  Wrong.  Those were the topics of conversation at my first meeting with our fertility specialist on Tuesday....and we didn't even have dinner yet!  No Sade or Luther Vandross playing in the background either and no candles!  Just barked out questions like, "How's your menstrual history?"  I don't know I wasn't very good in that class.  "How many days do you bleed?"  Wow!  I've forgotten what it's like to be pregnant or when one is trying to conceive:  you're no longer a human being you're a science experiment.  Now I know that the good doctor is just trying to help me.  This is his job and I am thankful that he's up for it.....excuse me....ready, willing and able.

My daughter Lily is in Kindergarten in the local public school. There is a new phenomenon in going on in New York City elementary schools:  students watch movies and television instead of playing outside at lunchtime. On this one I'm not going to be a-political and try to show both sides of the issue because as far as I'm concerned, there is no valid argument for this besides furthering the interests of the fat, lazy, overpaid staff at her school... and I say that with all due respect.

I've written about it before in past blogs, juice boxes are full of sugar.  Lily's class is going to have a little Halloween party next week.  I was elected to bring the juice boxes.   Now considering how much sugar these little munchkins will be consuming later that day and at the party (with all those sugary, frosted baked treats), I'm bringing lowfat milk and wateroos instead of juice boxes.  I'm sure none of the kids will be like, "It's not apple juice?!"  Well if they do who cares anyway?!  What's the matter little Johnny?  Need a fix?  Juice boxes are like a gateway drug for meth.

Our daughter Lily is 5 years old and born late in the year... December 22nd to be exact.  She was promoted from Kindergarten to first Grade this year... much to my dismay, despite my begging and pleading. However, the New York City Public School system, in it's infinite wisdom, states that everyone born in 2002 regardless of month is in first grade this year no exceptions...nothing like taking the individual into account. You vill go to first grade und you vill like it!

I don't know where my friend finds these photos but she's always sending me something hilarious.  I just had to share these with you:  this woman could be a poster child for therapy.  The slogan would be "Co-Dependency Issues Treated".  This couple set up camp in Dysfunction Junction.  Wherever these photos were taken they obviously don't have Oprah.

Our 5-year-old daughter Lily is our only child.  It wasn't our plan to have only one child...but so far, that's just how it worked out.  If it was though, that would be fine too.  We're working on changing her status but in the meantime, we've still got the brand.  I feel like every day, in one way or another, I'm reminded that we only have one child.....not from good friends of course but the public at large.  I just love it when people meet us for the first time and say things like, "Is she your only one?"  Emphasis on only.  "You really should have another...just in case."  Thanks.  Thanks for that reminder...what did you say your name was?....the grim reaper??  Oh sorry, I forgot. 

How about this??  Instead of bailing out Wall Street why not just give the money directly to the American people?!  That's the kind of financial Viagra we could all use right now. Go ahead Mr. Bush, with your bad self, and stimulate my economic package already.  That sounds like a much better idea to me than giving more money to the Wall Streeters who lost it in the first place. 

My father-in-law has unfortunately become Lily's grumpa.  He just turned 70 but you'd think it was 90.  He's on medications for all sorts of ailments: high blood pressure; high cholesterol; some liver thing; and a mood disorder.  As a result of this pharmaceutical cocktail, he sleeps most of his life away.  He is a very sweet man....at least from what I remember.  The last time we actually had a real conversation was about three years ago.  Being in a permanent state of slumber and hard of hearing doesn't make participation in family activities nor communication easy for him.  Sadly, Lily now treats him like a piece of furniture.  She'll jump on him once in a while but otherwise she doesn't even notice. 

When I was a teenager, a girl in our school got pregnant.....by a college boy no less.  Very shocking.  At least back then it was.  Today, this is very common and accepted and even more common for the grandparents to raise the child whilst the young woman finishes college and or grad school.  That girl was a friend of mine by the way.  Her son, the mistake, his real name is Robert, is now 25!  The mistake will graduate law school this year.  I remember the days when he wasn't supposed to answer the phone and his family denied his existence.  Thankfully, those days are long gone.  My husband and I waited a long time to have Lily.  She's now five and we're now old.  I'm 40.  I can't believe I actually typed that out loud.  Actually, at first I typed 36.  How pathetic, I'm even lying to people I can't see about my age.  Here's even more shocking news:  this dinosaur is trying to reproduce.  Should my eggs be in the Smithsonian too??

We celebrated new years (the Jewish one) on Long Island at #13 Dysfunction Junction with the family again.  After the awkward moments, the dramatic sighs and slamming doors were all over, Lily and I headed off to one of those roadside haunted farms for a less scary experience.  We picked pumpkins, apples and ate fresh roasted corn.  It was a blast.

Despite all the turmoil in the markets, partisan politics and the war in Iraq, looking at pictures of Mr. & Mrs. Obama in their most "naked" moments - in front of crowds, cameras and all the rest of us - fills me with hope.  Their respectful, tender and encouraging pda-ing including "the bump", are an example of what true love and admiration really look like.  The usual pics of presidential candidates and their wives feature them holding hands and waving to the crowds.  They're clearly just another meaningless photo op.  This is quite different.  She's got his back - literally and philosophically.  Very refreshing.

Lily may be spending most of her time crying in first grade but she is reading too.  I must admit, despite my frequent complaints of too much homework, that she learned a great deal in Kindergarten.  By the time she graduated, (I know sounds funny doesn't it? but Kindergarten is a big milestone and deserves celebration when completed) she was just a few steps shy of reading.  Now, she's reading like a champ.  I'm so proud of her.  I love this picture because she reminds me of the commuters who read on the trains....only I don't remember seeing too many of them reading the Scholastic Weekly Reader.  Maybe that's the problem.  They were usually reading something much simpler....like The Post or the Daily News.

A little girl comes home from her first day of school.  Her mother asks, "What did you learn today?"   The little girl replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

Lily, our five year old, is having trouble adjusting to the 'independent work' of first grade.  She's bright and is operating at grade level but is breaking down (and having trouble pulling it back together again) when she makes a mistake, misses a direction, or something else equally as minor.  She also needs a little prompting to keep up.  However, this is not unusual nor alarming....at least for me.  We just keep reassuring her of her intelligence and ability.  We are her support group...and the meetings are daily not weekly.

Just in case you're in need of some serious belly laughs or a little me-time, that my show MAMA'S NIGHT OUT is going to be appearing in Pennsylvania very soon.  Here are all the details:  Thursday, Oct. 9, 7:00PM, Capitol Theatre in Chambersburg and; Friday, Oct. 10, 7:00pm, at the Shopland Hall/Scranton Cultural Center in Scranton.  Don't worry, we won't be appearing with Sarah Palin or McCain in Scranton....our show is a comedy not a tragedy.  MAMA'S NIGHT OUT is comedy by mothers for everyone.

I know it's way early in the school year to be proclaiming this but I will go out on a limb and say, I love first grade.  I'll tell you why:  less homework than Kindergarten.  I'm not kidding.  Last year, when Lily was a kindergartner, we had at least one to one and a half hours of a homework a night.  It was brutal: trying to get her to focus on new topics (yes, they had us start new subjects at home, and we weren't even on salary), review old ones and do 'busy work' for what seemed like an eternity every day.  Every weekend we had a book report due too!  We were teaching Lily all about sharing at that time and one day she asked me, "Can I share my homework with my friends?"  Smart girl.  This year, so far, we only have one book report a month and only 30-40 minutes of homework a night.  We no longer start crying the minute we leave the playground after school....I'm talking about me!  There is a god.....and she is merciful.  Are you in homework hell?  Let us know your story.

There's a rumor in the entertainment industry (well at least among us comics) that Sesame Street retired the Cookie Monster character because of his unhealthy eating habits.  "He's a monster...he has a different metabolism than humans for gods sake!  And he never actually ate the cookies...more like crushed them."  I'm quoting fellow comic Karen Bergreen with that joke.  I don't see him anymore on new episodes of the popular childrens series.  Am I missing something?  Is he still on them?  Are we just not seeing the episodes featuring him in the northeast?  If it's true it makes me very sad 'cause I really liked him.  His complete lack of decorum around baked goods is rivaled only by my Hungarian grandmother.

This ride was symbolic of the emotional roller coaster we were on with Lily and all her female cousins this past Sunday.  We spent the day at a wonderful (and expensive) amusement park but still....very few of the female children were happy or allowed us to see them being happy.  They're all budding divas and drama queens no matter what their birth order.  It was a day of crying, sighing, demanding, threatening, door slamming, ultimatums, foot stamping and that was just the five year olds.  I was like who wants Midol?  By the end of the day, I felt like Lindsay Lohan's personal assistant.  Do you suffer from little girl drama??  Do tell.

This was the first year since 9/11 that my husband and I didn't go to the pit to memorialize.  Frankly, the scene at the Trade Center every year on the anniversary is too much for us.  We're finding it more difficult now to hear our brother-in-law's name read aloud with the other victims than ever.  I thought time would numb that.....but it hasn't.  My friend Heinrich's last name starts with an A so luckily between my brother-in-law and Heinrich, the tension is over early in the proceedings for us.  So, this year we chose to repeat our walk across the Brooklyn Bridge on the 7th not the 11th.

Lily starts school at 8:05am, eats lunch at 11:50am and has snack at 10:30am.  We, the parents, were advised at first grade orientation by her teachers that we are to send in only healthy snacks.  I've been sending in what I believe to be healthy snacks:  cut up fruit; pretzels; yogurt; organic oreos.  Only to find out, that her teachers have been withholding her snacks because they don't feel they're healthy enough and I quote, "are loaded with sugar."  Do teachers really have the right to tell your children what they can and can not eat?  Should teachers supercede your judgement when it comes to your childrens nutrition?

You know, the whole Sarah Palin nomination for GOP VP has really got me thinking.  Every time I see her, she's posing with her husband and her five children...she's pro-life if you haven't heard already.  Well, she must be pro-babysitter and pro-daycare too because who is raising her children while she's busy being Governor of Alaska and now VP hopeful - campaigning all over the place?  Why have a big family if you're not intending to raise them?  Are all these pictures just more lies being propagated by our society that we can have it all?  That we can have whatever we want:  tons of children, a happy family and a fabulous career?  Is that even possible?

It's all over the internet: GOP Veep Candidate Sarah Palin's unmarried teen daughter is pregnant. And? Why am I not shocked? Heres some new for you - it happens every day in America and all over the world for that matter. It's no secret, we all know that teen pregnancy rates among girls 15-19 years of age in America are on the rise. As the mother of a daughter, I'm hoping that perhaps this will draw some attention to this disturbing trend. I heard the Democratic Presidential Candidate say over the weekend (I'm paraphrasing), "..families and children [of politicians] should be off limits." Exactly. Right on Mr. Obama, once again you have proven that you are the man.