Here's the latest in what I call extreme toys:  a scooter that creates sparks.  Here's the description of it from Amazon verbatim: "Adding a bit of spark to the original kick scooter, the Razor Spark has modified its A2 scooter with a foot controlled, detachable Spark Bar to light up your ride. The Spark Scooter's spark cartridge creates 20 percent more sparks than other brands on the market thanks to its 5 flint pads. A bonus spark cartridge is included."  Flint pads have been added to a child's toy??!!  Are these toy manufacturers insane??  Did this thing come from China?  Lead based toothpaste, Thalate in baby bottles....it's not a stretch to think China's trying to destroy us.  Maybe it was Al Qaeda?  Sounds like an old Saturday Night Live sketch doesn't it?:  "Here's a great toy for the kids.....Johnny Blow Torch....or how about a bag of broken glass!"  And I thought Pee And Poo Plush toys were ridiculous.  Whoever came up with this latest idea had their head firmly rooted up their a$$.  I smell a recall.  Reeecalllllaaaaa........think Ricola cough drops.

It's the end of the school year and once again, I find myself in the 'shocked and appalled' mode when it comes to the teacher's gift.  For the past two years, I was the official money collector for the teacher's gift in December and the end of the year.  In the past, I found it hard to collect even 5 bucks from the other parents....and that was in better economic times.  They would argue that 5 was too much.  Ultimately, I found myself 'sweetening' the gift kitty to the tune of $50 each time.  Now, I find myself in the complaining position.  Fortunately, this year there are three moms in Lily's class who take care of all 'teacher/party business' and I am eternally grateful.  However, they are collecting $20 from each student, 20 students overall, for the teacher apprecitation gift certificate.  That's $400 people!  Am I the only one who thinks this is a little much?  It feels like a bribe.

We're on our fifth straight day of rain here in the northeast so that means another indoor play date.  Today, one of the other mothers offered to have all the kids over to her house!  Yeah!!! Finally, someone else has stepped up to the plate.  I don't mind having the kids over but between the noise and the constant rain, I'm done.  I'm tired of playing hide and seek and decorating cupcakes already.  They really need to run around outside too but it's just too darn wet and chilly for that.  What are you doing to keep your kids amused during this latest weather set back???

I'm writing this because we had a troubling notice come home from our school yesterday:  apparently, there are several children in our school who have life threatening allergies to peanuts, tree nuts, wheat, milk and eggs.  The officials in our district are actually contemplating segregating these children from the rest of the children during lunch.  I don't remember hearing about all these allergies when I was growing up: the attitude in the 70's was basically - "Oh well, it sucks to be you."  However, that is not the case today.  We can all debate why these allergies exist (pollution, pesticides) but that does nothing to solve the issue of anaphylactic shock.  When a kid can't breathe because of peanut butter fumes the 'why' debate helps no one. 

I had the surgical procedures (on May 22nd) to correct all the fertility problems associated with Endometriosis.  It's almost two weeks since I had the surgery and I'm still sore.  I was assured I'd heal quickly but I think Lily being home sick from school all last week didn't help.  It's hard to heal when you're cleaning up vomit....every 2 hours.  I went for my follow-up exam yesterday and was quite surprised to hear what my doctor advised.......

I've been keeping Lily home from her New York City School this week not because of the swine flu but because of flu-like symptoms:  fever; projectile vomiting (lovely); chills; muscle aches; coughing....the list just goes on and on....and she's sleeping even less as well.  Great.  The pediatrician said give her Tylenol that'll break the fever I was like: "No, you know what will break the fever - daylight because she's sucking the life out of me.  She's a vampire!"  Apparently, I'm not the only one.  I called the school to let them know I'm keeping her home and they told me that 52% of the school was absent on Tuesday!  I don't think it's just a scare either because ALL the children on our block are home sick this week with these flu-like symptoms in addition to their double ear infections and Strep throats.  Isn't childhood just lovely??  Is your child home sick with these flu-like symptoms this week?  What are you doing to pass the time?  Please share.

Ripped from today's headlines there's another story of a Teacher (aged 27) allegedly having sex with her 14 year old student.  Shocking and disgusting.  The mother of the boy was tipped off by another parent at their PTA meeting.  (I will never blow off another PTA meeting again.)  After checking out his cell phone, the mother found hundreds of contacts between the student and teacher who were allegedly having sex on the school grounds no less.  One of the last texts from the teacher told the boy to "erase your phone" which he obviously did not.   Apparently, she's still good at giving directions.....and he's stilll not good at following through on them. 

Lily got a hold of my camera this week and has been taking photos like crazy the fact that it's digital makes it so easy to delete most of the shots anyway.  It's not like years ago when you went to take a photo with your parents' camera and they flipped out because you'd be wasting film.  Here are some of her shots...she takes many of the television and some you just don't know what they are........

OMG!  I have been following this story like a mad woman.  In general, I scoff at reality shows but since day one I've been addicted to Jon & Kate Plus 8 and most recently, The Real Housewives series on Bravo (whether they're from New York City or Orange County I love those bitchy broads).  I've always been addicted to Jon & Kate Plus 8 because just the fact that these people have 6 children all of the same age in one household is completely compelling.  I thought potty training one 3 year old was hard enough....imagine doing it for 6 all at the same time!!  Not fun but these two people handle the children with a lot of grace and patience.  I'm continuously impressed.  So, my obvious fan status makes me uniquely qualifed to comment on their situation.  I've been reading all the comments from our readers to the original post about the story earlier this month and taking in reactions from various television talking heads and I'm appalled.

When Lily was 5 I was the center of her universe....a place I loved being though I knew it was short lived.  I did enjoy it while it lasted though.  The six year old child is a complex, independence seeking, bipolar animal who swings from extremes like, "Mommy I want to love you all day," to "I don't like you, you're not my friend anymore."  And that was only because I wanted her off my computer for a minute...jeeesh.....what's she gonna say when things really get bad?  "You're a disappointment as a mother?!"  Ooowwww!  Tough crowd.  Good thing I have a strong sense of self.  I know Youtube is addicting but puh-lease.

My husband has really frustrated me several times over the past couple of years when it comes to the care of our daughter when I'm away but this past weekend really takes the cake.  While I was in California with my show Mama's Night Out, Lily hurt her ankle in the park after school on Friday.  My husband told me about her injury on Saturday on the phone.  He stated that her ankle was 'slightly' swollen but that despite her injury she was jumping around like a bloody mountain goat and running nonstop (her usual antics).  I flew home Sunday, after two delayed and cancelled flights, and arrived quite late in the evening.  Her ankle looked quite swollen to me on Monday morning so I took her to the pediatrician.  She took one look at it and told us to get an xray immediately as she feared it was fractured.

"I love you so much I'll stab you in the f**kin' heart!"  That's what my neighbor Gina screamed at her husband last year at the block party....in front of everybody!  And she wasn't even drunk.  It's safe to say that most of the people in my neighborhood could easily star in Lifestyles Of The Poor And Unknown.  All I see, (who knows what goes on behind closed doors) are unhappy women married to spouses who are not emotionally present for them nor their children.  All is not well.  However, despite the block party breakdowns and the frequent police visits, Gina bought a video camera so her teenage son can tape her and her family antics for a reality show.  (PAUSE)  OMG! What was that??  A thud?  No, it was Gina hitting rock bottom.

Forget Cinco De Mayo celebrate Nueve De Mayo (minus the Swine Flu of course)!  My show Mama's Night Out is coming to California this year for Mother's Day weekend.  Join us at these theatres for a well deserved time out:

Friday, May 8th, 8:00pm
Lancaster Performing Arts Center
Lancaster, CA

May 9, 2009, 8:00pm
Victoria Gardens Cultural Center
Rancho Cucamonga, CA
Mama's Night Out is Comedy by mothers for everyone.  This show is the perfect gift for your mom or wife on Mother's Day.  Forget flowers or worse - that plant - something else she'll just have to take care of.  Give her a laugh instead.

As you may or may not know, my husband is no longer gainfully employed in the financial world....and I'm sure will never be again....at least at the level he was.  A few weeks ago, I wrote a piece here about it and I have been talking about it onstage.  I've been talking about his desire to go back to school to become a nurse (and when I say his desire I mean my desire for him) - to have a recession proof job.  Well, a news producer with ABC heard me talk about it onstage and caught the article that was done on us in the Financial Times, and they filmed a segment on us that will most likely air this Monday, May 4th, on World News with Charles Gibson between 6:30 - 7:00pm.  We were interviewed by Dan Harris.  Please tune in!  If for some reason it doesn't air Monday most likely it will air Tuesday, May 5th, same time same bat channel.  Have a great weekend!

My show Mama's Night Out is coming to New Jersey and New York this weekend just in time for Mother's Day - May 1 & May 2.  Give yourself and a fellow mama a time out with Mama's Night Out.  These ladies are my momtourage! ...And I promise none of us have the Swine Flu.  Here are all the details:
May 1, 2009, 8:00pm
South Orange Performing Arts Center (SOPAC)
South Orange, New Jersey
Phone - Call 973.313.ARTS (2787) - This is a return engagement!
May 2, 2009, 8:30pm
Don't Tell Mamas
New York, NY
343 W 46th St
New York, NY 10036
(212) 757-0788

At least three days a week after school at the playground, we buy Lily (and at least 2 of her friends) popsicles from the ice cream truck.  They're pretty cheap - only $3.00 a day for 4 small popsicles.  However, since my husband was laid off....again....I've been taking a hard look at our finances.  Fortunately, I've been busier than ever however, we need to be more careful with money.  We still have $3 for popsicles but should we be spending $9 a week on popsicles from the truck when they're cheaper to buy from the supermarket? I don't think so. 

As you may or may not know, my husband and I have been "trying" to have another child for some time now.  Our first pregnancy was a spontaneous one so we thought the next one would be as well.....wrong.  Ever since I gave birth to the uber baby six years ago (nine and a half pounds), I have been suffering with very painful periods.  The pain is so bad I thought I was pre-menopausal or something.   To which my sensitive G.P. told me, "You're not pre-menopausal you're just overweight."  Thanks.  After seeing many specialists (including Infertility Specialists) and having all sorts of humiliating tests done (now when I see a gloved hand I just disrobe....which made skiing somewhat awkward this year) finally I have the answer:  Endometriosis.   

We took Lily to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden this week to see the annual Hanami or Cherry Blossom Festival.  This is one of our favorite things to do and this year, with all the constant bad news we really needed a little pick me up, especially since I had just mailed the IRS a check for $3000.  It's okay, I just made it out to AIG (too bad we couldn't just write them off as a dependent)..  But seriously, we didn't participate in any tea bag temper tantrums - I thought that was the realm of my overbearing mum.  Honestly, who do these people that protest taxes think is going to pay for our way of life: the road fairy? the school fairy?  Grow up already.  These are probably the same people who voted for George Bush....not once but twice.  It came as no shock to me that it was all coordinated by the Fox News Channel.

Lily's class had an Easter slash Passover party last week.  She absolutely adores both holidays so the party was a real treat for her.  I have to admit I love spring too...in fact I wish it would show up one of these days...it's cold as ever and miserable here in the northeast.  So, any kind of celebration that marks a change of season is always welcome to us.  Her teacher asked us all to donate $5 for the supplies so I didn't even have to bake for this party.....I'm loving her teacher more every day.

  Here's a picture of Lily standing next to the table of goodies (and that was just the dessert!) at the Easter Party we attended this past weekend in Brooklyn.  Thank god it was held in a night club with a huge dance floor so the kids could run off all that sugar.   The peeps and juice pouches alone were enough to propel her into outer space...nothing gets you higher than high fructose corn syrup.  If she gets the same amount of chocolate this year from family members as she did last year than I think the tooth fairy will be visiting soon too...and he'll be giving her dental floss instead of money.

I listened to all the vapid talking heads on Good Morning America this morning review the controversial new PSA on domestic violence featuring actress Keira Knightley.  You know you live in a misogynist culture when people take issue with a psa on domestic violence.  Yes, the images are graphic and disturbing....but here's a dose of reality.....domestic violence is graphic and disturbing.  It's only a film and it's meant to be wake us up out of our anesthetized state of stupidity on the subject.  Enough with the sugar coating already.  We're all so overweight as it is.  Let's thin down on reality.  That's the plan for spring: let's all shed 20 pounds worth of denial.

Sorry I've been out of touch but we've had bad news around here lately:  my husband's company had another round of lay offs and he was included.  It was the fourth round of lay offs since they started having them back in January of 08 (hello churning stomach acid and explosive diahrea).  He managed to cling to his job for a very long time for which I'm very proud of him......it appears that the same stalker qualities he exhibited when meeting me came in handy around the office.  However, it appears the financial industry he worked in for many years is just disintegrating.  So now it's time for more change.........

Lily had two girlfriends over today for a play date as it's still too bloody cold here in the northeast to play outside for longer than one hour.  That trip to Florida last week ruined me for the rest of winter...I'll be complaining and shivering long into June.  Any hoo, the girls had a great time except for the tears, bickering, whining, door slamming, foot stomping drama....and that was just me.....no, just kidding.  That was all the domain of the other ladies in the house.....