Results tagged “mom” from Momtourage: Blogger Knows Best

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My show Mama's Night Out is coming to New Jersey and New York this weekend just in time for Mother's Day - May 1 & May 2.  Give yourself and a fellow mama a time out with Mama's Night Out.  These ladies are my momtourage! ...And I promise none of us have the Swine Flu.  Here are all the details:
May 1, 2009, 8:00pm
South Orange Performing Arts Center (SOPAC)
South Orange, New Jersey
Phone - Call 973.313.ARTS (2787) - This is a return engagement!
May 2, 2009, 8:30pm
Don't Tell Mamas
New York, NY
343 W 46th St
New York, NY 10036
(212) 757-0788

 

This zippered, shirt-like contraption is meant to go over a baby carrier so both mom and baby can stay snuggly. We have no doubt that it succeeds on that count. (Our testers have confirmed that it's both "soft" and "warm.")

But what about everything else?

It's zippered everywhere--and not in the punk rock sense, friends--and its color must be seen to be believed. (No photo could do our sample any kind of justice. It is the precise color of mashed peas.) But most of all, it looks positively terrifying. Is the hole in the front really for a baby? Or is it to accommodate a tentacle, an air hose or cell-division gone awry?

Would you use it? Want a visual before you decide? iVillage producer Patrick Sandora was kind enough to model the Peekaru...

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...The kind who lives off of her mother (and us taxpayers)

In a matter of days, the Nadya Suleman story has gone from "Ooooh" to "Eeeew." I think we all smell something here--and I'm not just talking the stench of soiled diapers.

After a two-week long roller coaster ride of public scrutiny, I am happy to report the high-flying commercial prospects of The Adventures of Octomom may have skidded to a crash landing.

Why? Because many moms don't like her much.

"Her chance of gaining corporate partners is slim to none," says William Chipps, senior editor of IEG Sponsor Report, an endorsement- deal tracker service. He adds that marketers generally run from any hint of controversy, "which is obviously the case with Nadya."

Just last month Nadya Suleman--aka Octomom--was an oddity. Few could relate to the litter-spawning mystery woman from La-La Land. Momtourage Producer Laura Motta said it best in an early post: "You sort of had to wonder..."

We were indeed curious. Then came details, like the $2 million pay-to-play price tag for her story; reports from Suleman's own long-suffering mom that the jobless, single mom was "obsessed" with children; and, worst, she already had six kids! It wasn't long before many of us became furious.

In the wise words of the great Queen of Soul (inauguration millinery choices, notwithstanding), let's call this song exactly what it is:

 

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Lily is skating so well this year.  That figures though - she's 6 now.  We started her in lessons when she was 3.  That was kind of useless....she spent most of her time on her tush..she appeared to enjoy it though.  She used to ask me all the time, "Kating?"  She couldn't even say it forget doing it.  Ahhhh memories.  They grow up so fast...makes me sad.

 

That was what someone told me at a child's birthday party last week.  As the parent of an only child I've heard many stupid, thoughtless remarks from other parents but this one took the cake....I just had to vent about it here.  You see, I made the mistake of engaging one of the other parents in what I thought was going to be a harmless, plesant conversation.  I paid a father a compliment on his identical twin sons, I told him that they were so well behaved and sat so patiently while the cake was handed out.  They were dear little boys.  The father then launched into a tirade about "What a handful" they are and that before he had them that he only had one child...like me.  And that, "Having one kid is easy.  Having three is a whole different story.  That's when you know you're a real parent - when you have more than one!" 

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Okay so it's the first day of school and amidst all the drama of getting ready, (yes, there were some tears and nervous rants like, "I can't find my bloody hair clips mama!") Lily lost her second tooth!  She said, "There's something in my mouth."  It was her tooth!...hanging by what looked like a gruesome thread.  We quickly put it in an envelope under her pillow for the tooth fairy.  At least that's what I thought we did....

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In my position as the Consulting Group Director for Hybrid Mom Consulting Media group (www.hybridmom.com), I have interesting and rewarding challenges every single day. I am a work at home mom, but I am also responsible to an ever expanding network of other work at home moms who join our organization as consultants, providing freelance work to growing businesses, and our members, entrepreneurial moms who need assistance in promoting their products and services and helping their businesses grow. So, in a nutshell, my work at home work is to help other work at home moms work. And that, my friends, is a lot of work!

At Hybrid Mom, we are trying to hone and fine tune the delicate balance that is life for today's mother. We strive to provide innovative strategies to enrich the way moms work, play and live! The Hybrid Mom staff all work from their respective homes. Ninety nine percent of our members and consultants work from home. We all have children. We all have minds. We all have creativity, talent, gifts and wisdom to share with the world. And, unfortunately, we all have little miniature master manipulators that continue to make us feel guilty about the way we live our lives.

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Hollywood more excited about bumps than boobs these days. 

I'm not that old at all, but being in show business myself, I do remember the days when having a baby meant the end of a starlet's career.  However, today is a much different story: between the all too excited rumors of Jennifer Garner possibly expecting again; the craziness over J-Lo's twins; and the reported $12 million paid for the first pics of Brangelina's summer blockbusters; I think it's safe to say that Hollywood is gaga for the goo goo set.

 

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Here's our friend Lora looking very pregnant at my friend Gen's barbeque on Sunday.  The barbeque rocked, the kids were in the pool for about four hours.  Gen & Lora are part of my Brooklyn Momtourage.  Lora was scheduled for a C Section this Friday (7/25).  However, she was experiencing some pre-labor pains at the table that were intense.  With her first child, she went 5 weeks early so she hadn't experienced the 'final week' before.  I have.  All I could think was 'you're at the end kiddo'.  We were all thinking that......it doesn't take a genius.

Well, we were right!  (We should start charging.)  Lora delivered a healthy, 5lb 11 oz, baby girl yesterday - Gianna Grace.   We're all so happy for her and her husband.  It's so exciting, can't wait to meet the newest member of our tot-tourage.  Welcome to the world Gianna Grace!!

It's Official:  Lily hates me.  And to think, less than two hours ago I was the best mama in the world....because I put whipped cream on her popsicle.  How fickle is her love!  Just because I had the temerity to ask her to put away her shoes....excuse me, not even put them away, just pop them in the shoe basket less than 5 feet from where she was sitting.  What a shrew!  What a cow I am.  Mean mommy is back.

No matter how much I joke though, actually hearing your darling child spew venom like "I hate you" stings just a little bit.  I try to be all logical and respond with, "It's okay that you hate me for the moment.  I still love you.  Now put your shoes in the basket or no Little Einstein's today."  When inside I'm like, "Screw you kid!  Do you know what I went through to have you?  You were 9 and a half pounds.  That translates to 14 stitches.  My vagina was pretty much rerouted because of you.  Now when I sneeze I pee myself.  Thanks kid.  Take your crocs and blah blah......(various unmentionables)." 

But it's all okay.  She is definitely just asserting her 5 year old, alpha female independence. If I'm feeling particularly needy all I have to do is send a few Oreos her way and I'm back in....but mean mommy is no sucker.  Share your "I hate you mommy" stories with us please....I guarantee you'll feel much better.

 

 

 

Just when you think you've got the perfect shot of your child it happens.  You check in 'review' and see that your little darling's eyes were focused somewhere other than the camera.  Darn it!  Thank god for digital cameras.

This is a regular occurrence around here.  The only time Lily ever looks directly at the camera is if it's a professional photo session or by accident or if I'm waving chocolate.  Here's a shot of Lily emerging from a fake log at the Bronx Zoo....and looking somewhere else.  Yes, thanks to global warming the even logs are fake now.

The next time your child needs disciplining forget time outs, the naughty chair, loss of privelages and spanking.  How about taking them on a trip to the cemetary to visit Santa??!! 

I don't know where my friend gets these photos.  She's a mother of 5 girls ranging in ages from 2 to 19.  I imagine when one has that many children that psychological torture is something one would rely on from time to time.

OMG!  This is by far the worst news story I've heard this morning.  Forget the collapse of the housing market and Hillary's delegate count......a 3 year old hasn't slept since birth.  Kill me already.  And I complain because Lily hasn't napped since she was 18 months old?  I'm starting to feel guilty.  God help those parents.  I recommend Benadryl.  Benadryl is like Cialis for parents.  Millions of kids in this country think they have allergies.  No way baby.  Your parents just need you to sleep.  (Turns out this child actually has a neurological problem, see the link above.)

Does your kid sleep?  Did you have a baby that just didn't need sleep?  Go ahead brag if you must.  I love hearing about children who actually sleep.

Mother's Day is fast approaching and this year, I'm begging my husband for the ultimate gift and it doesn't cost a thing:  time.  Time with my family.  Not even time alone.  I just want him to pack a picnic lunch and go to the park with our daughter and play and have fun.  I say this not to be melodramatic nor because I'm trying to be one of those self sacrificing, "super moms".  I say this because I've just given up on getting any really decent gifts for Mother's Day.  Let's just say that over the five short years I've been a mom, I've received some of the most horrible gifts on Mother's Day.  See below:

 

My father actually thought this was a cute idea.  Because I like gardening so much why wouldn't I appreciate a garden gnome that flashes my neighbors??  The kids think it's a riot.  Over the years they've written various things on the tush like:  blow me; suck it; go ahead I'm easy.  Delightful.  Just what I want in my front garden.  We live in the city garden gnomes just don't work here.  Finally, over the winter break this year, somebody smashed it.  Aaawww.  What a shame.  Not. 

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Celebrate Mother's Day Weekend with MAMA'S NIGHT OUT. 

Just wanted to let you know that the hilarious comedy show (if I do say so myself) MAMA'S NIGHT OUT is coming to the Avalon Theatre, Easton, MD this Friday for a special Mother's Day weekend show.  See here for more details. 

MAMA'S NIGHT OUT is comedy by mothers for everyone.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back on the internet another wacky news story is spreading like a virus.  It's manic Monday my dear readers.  This one takes the cake:  A Maine woman was taken to a hospital rather than a jail cell after she began going into labor in the back seat of a police car following her arrest on a domestic violence charge this past weekend.

Police said the 23-year-old gave birth after being arrested earlier in the evening for allegedly assaulting her husband in a fight while driving.  Road rage is taking on a whole new meaning.  I'm shocked - she's married at 23!  Poor thing.

Officer Doug Maifeld told the Sun Journal of Lewiston that the woman, who was eight months pregnant, began going into contractions in the back of the police car. He said an ambulance met them at the police station and took the woman to the hospital.  Police said the mother and baby were then taken to Maine Medical Center in Portland, where they were reported to be fine. 

Perhaps all that exertion brought on labor.  I remember taking walks around the hospital to bring on labor I just should have beaten up my husband....lord knows I was in enough pain too.  Did I miss something?  Is beating up other people the new lamaze?  Breathe and beat ladies.  Do you think she'll blame this on raging hormones? 

Did you beat your husband when you were pregnant?  Did you come close?