Results tagged “mommy tips” from Momtourage: Blogger Knows Best

My great grandmother (apparently) used to frequently say, "There's only one beautiful baby in the world and every mother's got one."  The words of a wise woman.  However, It appears, she was wrong.  Yesterday, while at our local pool, I got a gander at one of Lily's swimming mates' new baby sister.  I had to stop myself from recoiling in disgust as she was one of the ugliest babies I've ever seen.  She looked like an alien:  all scrawny; skinny; with horribly splayed fingers and toes.  I found myself struggling for compliments: "She's awfully cute....she's terribly adorable... she's a great eater....she's very long."  Now some of you will read this and think, wow that Funny Mom is a horrible person.  How could she say these things?  Especially on a site that focuses on Motherhood.  May god have mercy on her soul......(pause)......now tell me none of you have ever felt this way about an infant?! 

At least three days a week after school at the playground, we buy Lily (and at least 2 of her friends) popsicles from the ice cream truck.  They're pretty cheap - only $3.00 a day for 4 small popsicles.  However, since my husband was laid off....again....I've been taking a hard look at our finances.  Fortunately, I've been busier than ever however, we need to be more careful with money.  We still have $3 for popsicles but should we be spending $9 a week on popsicles from the truck when they're cheaper to buy from the supermarket? I don't think so. 

 "Obama said he hopes the terrorists don't follow us home, but if they do, and they want to bring down a building, the CitiCorp Center is at Lexington and 53rd." --Bill Maher

I have always tried to shield my child and other children from bad news or tragedy....which both apply to this economy.  However, there are some invaluable lessons to be learned from the current global financial crisis.  My in-laws, frugal as they are (admittedly sometimes embarrassingly so), grew up in the post-depression era Midwest.  Consequently, they really know how to squeeze a penny and have never lived beyond their means.  They, like my Hungarian refugee father, live by the mantra, "If I don't have the cash I can't afford it."  Very wise words indeed. 

We had a visit from my old college buddy Judy yesterday and her two year old son Joshua.  He's just the most adorable little tot....but at 33 pounds he's not so little considering he's not walking yet.  What a chunky little back breaker he is....good thing he's cute.  Imagine if he wasn't?!  He does the soldier crawl a lot, you know slithering around on his belly....looking for insurgents and cookies.  He's walking with the aide of tables and chairs, pulling himself up but not quite able to walk farther than a few steps without someone or something to lean on.....kind of like Judy's drunken college days. 

That was what someone told me at a child's birthday party last week.  As the parent of an only child I've heard many stupid, thoughtless remarks from other parents but this one took the cake....I just had to vent about it here.  You see, I made the mistake of engaging one of the other parents in what I thought was going to be a harmless, plesant conversation.  I paid a father a compliment on his identical twin sons, I told him that they were so well behaved and sat so patiently while the cake was handed out.  They were dear little boys.  The father then launched into a tirade about "What a handful" they are and that before he had them that he only had one child...like me.  And that, "Having one kid is easy.  Having three is a whole different story.  That's when you know you're a real parent - when you have more than one!" 

Oh dear, the annual teachers' gift collection is not going well for my younger son's class. As a parent who spearheaded not one but two of said collections last year, I completely sympathize with the mom (Yes, it always seems to be a mom, doesn't it?) who is in charge of it this year. That said, I have a few pointers (some learned the hard way) for anyone who ever finds themselves in this somewhat stressful and largely thankless position. Believe me, heeding them will make your job a lot easier.

My husband hates Christmas decorations so in order to keep the peace in our home over the holidays we have to put up lights that barely have anything to do with the season.  Our daughter is just glad that we have any lights up whatsoever so she's oblivious to the obviously out of season Diving Dolphin light at right.  Just the ritual of putting up the decorations was enough excitement for her.  What concessions are you making this holiday season?

How about this??  Instead of bailing out Wall Street why not just give the money directly to the American people?!  That's the kind of financial Viagra we could all use right now. Go ahead Mr. Bush, with your bad self, and stimulate my economic package already.  That sounds like a much better idea to me than giving more money to the Wall Streeters who lost it in the first place. 

When I was a teenager, a girl in our school got pregnant.....by a college boy no less.  Very shocking.  At least back then it was.  Today, this is very common and accepted and even more common for the grandparents to raise the child whilst the young woman finishes college and or grad school.  That girl was a friend of mine by the way.  Her son, the mistake, his real name is Robert, is now 25!  The mistake will graduate law school this year.  I remember the days when he wasn't supposed to answer the phone and his family denied his existence.  Thankfully, those days are long gone.  My husband and I waited a long time to have Lily.  She's now five and we're now old.  I'm 40.  I can't believe I actually typed that out loud.  Actually, at first I typed 36.  How pathetic, I'm even lying to people I can't see about my age.  Here's even more shocking news:  this dinosaur is trying to reproduce.  Should my eggs be in the Smithsonian too??

Just in case you're in need of some serious belly laughs or a little me-time, that my show MAMA'S NIGHT OUT is going to be appearing in Pennsylvania very soon.  Here are all the details:  Thursday, Oct. 9, 7:00PM, Capitol Theatre in Chambersburg and; Friday, Oct. 10, 7:00pm, at the Shopland Hall/Scranton Cultural Center in Scranton.  Don't worry, we won't be appearing with Sarah Palin or McCain in Scranton....our show is a comedy not a tragedy.  MAMA'S NIGHT OUT is comedy by mothers for everyone.

This ride was symbolic of the emotional roller coaster we were on with Lily and all her female cousins this past Sunday.  We spent the day at a wonderful (and expensive) amusement park but still....very few of the female children were happy or allowed us to see them being happy.  They're all budding divas and drama queens no matter what their birth order.  It was a day of crying, sighing, demanding, threatening, door slamming, ultimatums, foot stamping and that was just the five year olds.  I was like who wants Midol?  By the end of the day, I felt like Lindsay Lohan's personal assistant.  Do you suffer from little girl drama??  Do tell.

My five year old is in an Inclusion Class or CCT - Collaborative Classroom Teaching.  This is her third year of being in Inclusion and I'm all for it. She was born in late December, 12/22, as a matter of fact.  So, if we lived in the burbs she would have been held back in Kindergarten and not allowed to progress to 1st grade because she's not emotionally mature enough....and I have to agree.  I would have loved for the school to hold her back another year as she is sooooo intellectually and emotionally immature compared to the kids who were born in January.  Six Months to a year is a huge difference when one has only been on this earth for five years.  However, New York City likes to push all children forward regardless of their birthdate because that's just the way it is here.  If you were born in 2002, by golly you're going to 1st grade this year whether you're ready or not!....und you vill like it!!!!

As I tend to do at the beginning of a new school year, I started off vowing to become supermom. So when I discovered that none of the children from my son Sam's pre-K class would be in his new Kindergarten class, (It's a huge, urban school.) I networked to find at least one child who would, then promptly arranged a playdate with him. And it was wonderful. They played for hours. The year was off to a great start.

And then two days later the little boy's mom told me that he had head lice.

Okay so it's the first day of school and amidst all the drama of getting ready, (yes, there were some tears and nervous rants like, "I can't find my bloody hair clips mama!") Lily lost her second tooth!  She said, "There's something in my mouth."  It was her tooth!...hanging by what looked like a gruesome thread.  We quickly put it in an envelope under her pillow for the tooth fairy.  At least that's what I thought we did....

Hollywood more excited about bumps than boobs these days. 

I'm not that old at all, but being in show business myself, I do remember the days when having a baby meant the end of a starlet's career.  However, today is a much different story: between the all too excited rumors of Jennifer Garner possibly expecting again; the craziness over J-Lo's twins; and the reported $12 million paid for the first pics of Brangelina's summer blockbusters; I think it's safe to say that Hollywood is gaga for the goo goo set.

It's Official:  Lily hates me.  And to think, less than two hours ago I was the best mama in the world....because I put whipped cream on her popsicle.  How fickle is her love!  Just because I had the temerity to ask her to put away her shoes....excuse me, not even put them away, just pop them in the shoe basket less than 5 feet from where she was sitting.  What a shrew!  What a cow I am.  Mean mommy is back.

No matter how much I joke though, actually hearing your darling child spew venom like "I hate you" stings just a little bit.  I try to be all logical and respond with, "It's okay that you hate me for the moment.  I still love you.  Now put your shoes in the basket or no Little Einstein's today."  When inside I'm like, "Screw you kid!  Do you know what I went through to have you?  You were 9 and a half pounds.  That translates to 14 stitches.  My vagina was pretty much rerouted because of you.  Now when I sneeze I pee myself.  Thanks kid.  Take your crocs and blah blah......(various unmentionables)." 

But it's all okay.  She is definitely just asserting her 5 year old, alpha female independence. If I'm feeling particularly needy all I have to do is send a few Oreos her way and I'm back in....but mean mommy is no sucker.  Share your "I hate you mommy" stories with us please....I guarantee you'll feel much better.

I used to be able to live frugally but nicely on about $150-200 a week.  It went on food and gas but I still had money left over for the little things like an ice cream at the park, a slice of pizza for Lily (I'm on Weight Watchers remember?), an impulse outfit buy for Lily or a quick trip to the dollar store for some lead laden pool toys.  But now, that $150-200 is just flying out of my pocket! 

I spent $48 filling up my gas tank the other day and that's for a small, economical car.  (I can't imagine what all those fools who drive SUV's were ever thinking.)  My car may be old but it still gets around 32-33 miles per gallon so I'm going to drive it till the wheels fall off.  Then, I went to the grocery store to quickly get some milk, bread, and other staples and I spent another $47 bucks!  Now, I've got just $5 cash till I break down and go to the cash machine.....something I hate doing.

All our friends are feeling the pinch too so we're having our very first 'pot luck' barbecue with our neighborhood momtourage in Brooklyn this Friday.  Everyone brings one dish so the responsiblity of feeding everyone doesn't fall on one family.  And, we each bring a cocktail pitcher or bottle of wine.  It's a cheap night out and it's going to be a blast 'cause there's nothing more fun than hanging with good friends and enjoying good food.....the laughter of all the kids playing in the background is a big help too.

What are you doing to lighten your budget?  Any tips on saving money?

Hey there ladies.  I have great news.  As of this week I lost 20 pounds on Weight Watchers!!!  I'm so pleased.  It's been tough but now I'm eating healthier most importantly eating less and I work out 3-4 times a week.  My cholesterol also went down to 180 so I'm really thrilled.

Today is July 4th one of my two favorite holidays....the other is Thanksgiving because for me it's all about getting together with family and friends and sharing a great meal.  However, today I'm really going to be mindful about what I eat as I tend to overload myself at barbecues with pasta and potato salads (and chips and booze).  This year, it's my turn to host and I'm only preparing healthy salads, no pasta or starchy ones, and lots of lean meat.  I've asked my guests to only bring fruit salads and fresh fruit dishes for desserts.  It's going to be a delicious day.  Freedom from fat is one of the best freedoms of all.

I went to a baby shower this weekend.  I was a little disgusted and surprised when I received the invitation as the mother-to-be is not a first time mom and her first child is only 4.  It was weird.  I had the strangest sense of deja vu as I can even remember what I gave her for her first shower.  This is her second child but she's expecting a girl this time so her family felt compelled to have yet another one for her.  They were kind of aware they were pushing the limits of taste too as they called it a Baby Sprinkle.  They just should have called it what it was, "Another Opportunity For Someone Else To Spend Money On My Children" or  "Oh you're pregnant again, here take my wallet."

This is up there with the people who get divorced and married again but have the nerve to invite their friends to another bridal shower.  I'm like, "Just use the gift I gave you for your first marriage...if you didn't already break it over his head."  Actually, I stand corrected.  Maybe a second bridal shower is appropriate after divorce as he may have taken half her stuff. 

Any rate, back to the second baby shower.  Have you ever heard of such a thing?!  Is this just a New York thing?  People in this state spend $30k on confirmation parties so I guess the new trend of having more than one baby shower per mom per child is not such a stretch.  7 of the 7 women at my table were all surprised too.  In fact, when my friend Carol (also a friend of the mother-to-be) asked the sister-in-law why she was having yet another shower the woman became all defensive and said, "It's the new thing.  Haven't you heard?" 

Have you heard?  Am I behind on this?  What do you think?  I'm a little peeved.  The mom-to-be-again was also very shocked by the shower (and slightly embarrassed), she said to us on the Q.T., "I'm grateful and it's lovely to see everyone again but this isn't my first."

Any one who knows me knows that I'm for girls having all the same opportunities as boys.  I'm a comedian for gods sake!  Try breaking through the glass ceiling of that boys club.  I'm definitely for the whole, "You go girl" movement.  I loved the Spice Girls.  I always try to set a good example for my daughter and my niece too by demonstrating that women can do anything that men can do...albeit the physically obvious like peeing standing up (unless they're drag queens).

We went to our friend's son's wrestling tournament the other day.  Much to my surprise and delight girls were participating in every weight class of the match.  However, they didn't have a separate girls league yet because there isn't enough interest.  (Give it time I say, whenever we heard there was a girls league in any sport of any kind when we were growing up we participated and our father encouraged us to.) 

Seeing girls wrestle with boys was just wrong.  It looked like an attack or like we were interrupting something.......