Results tagged “vodka” from Momtourage: Blogger Knows Best

"When we were kids we couldn't afford vacations but my mother's Jewish so we went on guilt trips instead...they last so much longer too."
 -- SherryDavey

Two weeks ago I did a gig at a beach club on Fire Island.  It didn't pay that well in dollars but what it did pay well in was free hotel rooms....a currency I'm all for.  So, we left Lily on the main land with our in-laws and headed off with some friends for a night of laughing, dancing and recharging (left to right:  moi; Dan; and fellow comedian Vicky Kuperman). 

Above right was our view on the ferry over to Fire Island.  We kicked back with some diet cokes (we're all on Weight Watchers so we chose to save our points for something much more satisfying than beer....chocolate) and just stared off into the distance for a dose of late day vitamin D.  With the economy and our savings accounts all being in the state they're in, this was the perfect alternative to the stay-cation.  Getting away with friends or just that one special friend (let's hope it's your husband or wife) even for one night is just what the doctor ordered for parents.  Believe it or not, the kids could probably use a break from us too.

Where have you been this summer?  Got any stories of the perfect staycation or daycations to share? 

Okay, so it's been a while since we traversed to Central Park for a zoo visit.  We just did the Bronx Zoo but why not subject ourselves to more torture seeing as we're WCS members it's free right?!  Wrong.  What you don't pay cash for you pay in blood (literally, Lily fell down some steps), sweat and tears.  Free don't come cheap baby.

Why not go to the Central Park Zoo when it's 95 degrees out??!!....forget the humidity.  The millions of tourists were a blast too.  There's nothing like being surrounded by a swarm of confuzzled looking, non-English speaking, panic stricken people loaded down with bags from "The M&M Shop Times Square" who back up right in front of you while trying to get 20 of their friends and family in one single photo completely crushing your toes at the same time.  And yet, even after they tap dance on my twinkies they still manage to get me to take the photo for them - and with them in it this time of course. 

It's Official:  Lily hates me.  And to think, less than two hours ago I was the best mama in the world....because I put whipped cream on her popsicle.  How fickle is her love!  Just because I had the temerity to ask her to put away her shoes....excuse me, not even put them away, just pop them in the shoe basket less than 5 feet from where she was sitting.  What a shrew!  What a cow I am.  Mean mommy is back.

No matter how much I joke though, actually hearing your darling child spew venom like "I hate you" stings just a little bit.  I try to be all logical and respond with, "It's okay that you hate me for the moment.  I still love you.  Now put your shoes in the basket or no Little Einstein's today."  When inside I'm like, "Screw you kid!  Do you know what I went through to have you?  You were 9 and a half pounds.  That translates to 14 stitches.  My vagina was pretty much rerouted because of you.  Now when I sneeze I pee myself.  Thanks kid.  Take your crocs and blah blah......(various unmentionables)." 

But it's all okay.  She is definitely just asserting her 5 year old, alpha female independence. If I'm feeling particularly needy all I have to do is send a few Oreos her way and I'm back in....but mean mommy is no sucker.  Share your "I hate you mommy" stories with us please....I guarantee you'll feel much better.

I was up in Maine last week with my show MAMA'S NIGHT OUT (click on the link for a great performance clip). We were invited back to Deer Trees Theatre in Harrison for another sold out show, in fact they had to add 30 seats to accomodate the overflow....I'm bragging I know but I'm so proud of the ultimate momtourage - Mama's Night Out.  I'm really proud of our group and I couldn't be happier to be working with fellow funny moms and great friends Karen Morgan and Nancy Witter.

We have a blast when we're on the road.  First of all, it's usually only for 24 hours so we have to pack in days of partying (get the vodka) into one night.  We stay up late ranting, raving and laughing about the economony, politics, our neighbor's horrible children...till the wee hours of the morning.  I still love chatting with my single friends in the city but there's nothing like relating to fellow moms about motherhood, husbands, balancing career and family.....that's why we all need our own momtourages.  I couldn't be happier with mine.  What's yours like?

It's summer and schools out!  Time for the annual flood of friends and family from all over the world to visit NYC....and stay with us.  People in our family jokingly refer to our home as the Brooklyn B&B....only we serve dinner and lunch too thank you very much. 

It's only July 9th and we've already had 2 sets of visitors.  Last week, we had the more enjoyable visitor - our friend's eleven year old son Jonathon.  Lily just adores him and they had a fabulous time together.  We did: the beach several times; the Bronx Zoo;  Statue of Liberty (Statued of Liverty as Lily calls it); Chinatown; Little Italy; parks; and the grand finale....the latest Disney Pixar release Wall-E.  Thank god my husband stepped in and let me sit that one out.  I'm fried on children's television and films.  I don't care how cute the trailor is there's not enough alcohol in the world to get me through another kids summer blockbuster release.

P.S. - I bribed Lily with candy to look directly at the camera for this shot!

We babysat our 4 month old god son, Andrew, on Sunday.  It's only been a few years since Lily required constant carrying but wow have baby slings come a long way!  Now Lily was an enormous baby.  She weighed 9.5 pounds at birth (born naturally by the way - hey drugs are natural - 17 stitches later thank you very much) and was 13 pounds by the end of her first month.  I remember one of my aunts gave me a sling at my baby shower.  She kept saying, "I first saw this in Guatemala, all the women down there use them."  To which I replied, "Great, I'll remember that when I'm picking coffee beans in Brooklyn."

I always thought they looked a bit dodgy.  The one my aunt gave me didn't look particularly strong enough to hold my little butter ball.  It was like a sheet with a clip on it and the whole 'one clip' thing didn't thrill me safety wise.  And quite honestly, our über baby was so heavy I couldn't imagine the positioning of her weight being beneficial to my back.  I also wasn't thrilled with the fact that slings looked like a lot of work.  One minute it's a sheet with a clip the next it's a bandanna.  I was never good at making beds I still can't get my corners to look like sails so how could I possibly handle the sheet thing every day.  I'm sure there are millions of women who use them and the benefits they get from them are innumerable.  Good, good for them.  As we say in Brooklyn, "I'm just saying." 

Parents need discipline to say no to their children.

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy. "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player in his room!"

"So how do you handle it?" his friend asked.

"I send him to MY room!"

I spent a very frustrating afternoon with Lily and her playdate yesterday it was definitely a double-shot-of-vodka-day. The playmate, Andrew, was a right little so and so who terrorized my child, my last nerve and my living room. Listen, I'm a parent too, I'm not sancti-mommy, Lily tests me as well - they all do - and I know some things are easier said than done. But most importantly, I know and common sense tells me that giving in to a child all the time and not setting limits is setting us all up for disaster.

Andrew, bless his heart, did things like: from the top of the stairs throw down a clump of blocks which flew in every direction possible; when told to clean up the mess he screamed "NO!" at the top of his lungs (funnily enough he doesn't have a problem using the word); he didn't interact with Lily he merely teased her; he screamed in her face the phrase, "You don't have to tell me that twice!" so many times that he proved that he didn't know what he was saying; he was rude; he was crude - he peed all over my toilet (I hate men more every day); and he screamed in his mother's face "You be quiet now!" I know, kill me already.